Intoxicating Secrets

This has some great potential, but there are a few grammatical errors I would like to point out, and questions I would like to raise.

My first point is this: your and you're are not the same so:

"...pretend you're not listening..." and "...when you're alone again." would be the correct versions.

Also, to and too. "...is too much to bare...", not "...is too much too bare..."

I would also just like to question the phrase "In the end the whisperer silent insinuation..." this confused me greatly. Did you perhaps mean, "In the end the whispered silent insinuation..."? Not much of an improvement, I'll admit.

Anyway, as I said at the beginning, this truly has a lot of potential. Keep writing

Hi CarnivorousButterly! Welcome to YWS~ I hope you like it here. Know that if you have any questions about the site, you can always let me know and I will do my best to help you. ^^

Okay, so...To point out the obvious, I'll tell you that I'm GeeLyria and I will be reviewing your piece today. I think you have a very unique way of expressing what you are feeling through poetry. I can detect how creative you are when I read two particular lines: 1) "feeling swelling inside". That is a strong line; very vivid imagery. 2) "the cloak-and-dagger thoughts". Excellent comparison. Very nice descripions! I believe this is the strongest part of your piece. Kudos on that~

When you shrivel to the corner,
when you pretend you're not listening....
When you're alone again. It's hard.
Being alone, feelings swelling inside.

Hello, CarnivorousButterfly! Welcome to YWS, congrats on writing your first poem. I'll be reviewing your poem today.

I liked the title of your poem it's very intriguing. And the topic of secrets can take many different forms and have various interpretations. From your poem I see you went the darker route of secrets and their effects.

I'd firstly suggest to format your poem in stanzas as opposed to sentences and paragraphs, as this would help your poem flow a bit better.

"When you shrivel to the corner, when you pretend your not listening.... When your alone again."

I thought the repetition of, "When" became a little too much and became redundant. I don't think the ellipsis were needed, an enjambment would've worked fine. This sentences confused me slightly, particularly the end phrase about being alone "again", the reader isn't aware the character was alone in the first place. I suggest using more imagery or metaphors here to set the scene a little.

"It's hard. Being alone, feelings swelling inside."

I think this line should've actually been your opening as the reader knows a bit more about the character being "alone" and how they feel about it, it puts more into context. I would've liked to see you elaborate more on the "feelings swelling inside", to make things more interesting. The word, "hard" is a bit on the bland side perhaps a more powerful synonym?

"What's the point of living if there's no happiness..."

I thought this line was a bit unrelated to the previous ones. It could to with a question mark after the ellipsis but that's optional as It may be a rhetorical question. I thought the line sounded a bit overused, perhaps expressing this in a more metaphorical or different way.

"Secrets that are kept in the dark where the one talked about is not informed about such things being thought and murmured like the shadows at night."

This line was very long, it dragged a bit and didn't sound too poetic, especially the word, "informed". I suggest breaking up this sentences and showing more rather than telling.

"too bare"

This should read, *to bear.

"In the end the whisperer silent insinuation is too much too bare and the cloak-and-dagger thoughts cause the whispered to go into despair."

I'm not sure if it's intentional, but there's a random internal rhyme here with, "too bare and despair". I just thought it was a bit inconsistent with the rest of your poem using no rhyme.

"With nothing but an empty world that absorbs the person into an inescapable black hole."

I thought the word, "absorbs", didn't quite fit with this line, it read a bit too scientifically and not poetically.


Overall, well done and continue to write! Hope this helped.

Okay, seems like you are having your first day here! First off, happy first day!

First day, first work! Woow!

Anyway!

Your poetry is Narrative, eh? Always had few difficulties in understanding them. Okay. Good title. I always find titles very very interesting actually, so everytime, in a review, i always talk about titles at first.

Well, i liked your poetry. The concept. Wait, watch there! The first line, i guess they are YOU'RE not YOUR.

"When you shrivel to the corner, when you pretend YOU'RE not listening.... When YOU'RE alone again."

And, this one,

In the end the whisperer silent insinuation is too much too bare and the cloak-and-dagger thoughts cause the whispered to go into despair