yesterday you smiled at me.
i cheesed back gratefully.
i don’t think you care about the gap between my teeth.
yours are perfect (though one is chipped underneath.)
i don’t know how you do it Venus’s tortured Cupid
sending Goosebumps to my mind and making these fairytale butterflies multiply.
you’re never the first person I see when i enter a room (but you’re always the first i look for)
i walk by with a friend laughing
obnoxiously loud just to get your attention
i don’t even say hi so i come back by
and our two second eye contact fills me with seductive tension.
do you feel it too? No. i don’t think you do.
We’ll always be good friends. And I’ll always want
More. But i can’t scare you away
Again so I’ll just stay a friend.
Really your presence is all i need I’ve
Quit on relationships for the time being. (I liked talking yesterday. like it was just
Us in the world and not some public place) I told you a few
Secrets and I think you know another, but you still look at me the same; you don’t run for cover.
you take away my fears with that sweet soft voice
your eyes are like fierce protection evading all that
white noise.
I want to be the one for you but I think I’ll have to pass
and the secret that you think you know isn’t the worse one that I have.
But as yesterday turns into last Friday and last Friday turns into last month
Yesterday will always be my today because I have a fairy tale dream
with you in it and
You are more than my ‘Twas Once.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Is this about a crush? Was my first question but as I read into this more and more it's more than just about Love. It seems to me to be more about someone listing things that others take as a flaw and making it be perfect to them. Like whatever someone finds wrong about this one specific person you find something in it that's good, something to be loved. Am I right?
Was this based off your real life? Did you make it up?
It doesnt really matter but I am very curious about this. This is very beautiful and I am very glad you shared it with all of us
~Sam
I like on how the word "Love" Reflects throughout the song. I would love to listen to this song! This masterpiece is perfect! I love on how you put all your effort and brain cells to made this! This is like heaven on earth! I really do love it! I hope this gets published someday in a book or newspaper or something that can go worldwide because this deserves it! Heh. I might just be exaggerating, but this masterpiece got me overwhelmed and I really like it! Wait no. I don't like it. I love it! Keep it up! Keep up the good work!
I wish it could be performed and I will immediately download it to my phone and listen to it repeatedly! 
What exactly do you mean by
"Cheesed back gratefully" ?
In the first four lines you made it rhymed (and those lines are some of my favorite because of that)
but then on the rest of it, there is no rhyming. You might want to be consistent, it would make it sound better.
What do you mean when you said
"Venus's tortured Cupid" ? (A helpful hint, also, is when a name ends with an 's' and you want to make it possessive, then you just add an apostrophe, for example Venus' would be how you would write it. It sounds the same, it is just more grammatically correct)
You don't need to capitalize "Goosebumps"
A helpful thing for when you want a poem to flow better, is for you to make the amount of syllables the same in all of the lines, and then go back and tweak it once you are done. Also, if you are having troubles with finding words that rhyme, a thesaurus is the way to go. It is a poets must have. It could also help you get more descriptive words to make your poem even more in-depth.
You also might want to be more consistent in your capitalization of the first letter in your lines.
I think the main problem here is just being consistent. Capitalize all of your "I"s and make sure you use proper grammar throughout. Minor things like that. I think with just a few small tweaks and troubleshooting, you could make this into something really good!
Good job!
i cheesed back gratefully.
Do you mean grinning back or something?
I also noticed that in some parts of the poem there was no grammar at all, and than it switched to some grammar, I suggest not doing this.
"sending Goosebumps to my mind and making these fairytale butterflies multiply."
Goosebumps shouldn't be capitalized unless it's the beginning of a sentence.
i walk by with a friend laughing
Again, I suggest using all grammar. From some of the reviews people gave me on poems, poems just don't usually flow that well without it. Instead of using the word walk, I suggest using a more descriptive word.
"white noise."
How can a noise be white...?
"i don’t know how you do it Venus’s tortured Cupid"
What do you mean here?
I was extremely moved by this. I can definitley tell that you put some thought into this. It also seems that it has a lot of meaning to you. But it has a great flow with it and I'm very impressed. keep up the good work, I hope to read more of it.
comment please