Tick. tick. Tick. tick.
The hands of the clock cut though time
with a lumberjack’s determination.
Hours cut like oaks
Minutes like branches
Seconds like twigs
Patience. Not my virtue.
Chess. Another man’s game.
Puzzles. Scattered on the floor.
Shoes; wearing the trench in the carpet
Brow; aging my face by decades
Grass; matured to adulthood
Cold sweat
Trembling hands
Shallow breaths
Please, let me pass
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64.5 D-
Pass.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there CaramelDelight! Katja here to hopefully provide helpful commentary on your first poem! Please feel free to disregard anything I suggest or comment on should you deem it unhelpful. That being said, let's get onto the review!
My Interpretation (PLEASE feel free to correct me if I misunderstand)
The poem is expressing the passing time, despite the narrator's nervousness and inability to be patient. They seem to be doing some form of test, online, and are in great need of passing it to pass the class, which seems to be the overall need for the time to slow down. This is not what any other reviewer has interpreted yet, so i fear I may be wrong. I get this inference because of the final four lines,
What I Liked
I really liked that your poem expresses an inability to be patient with an ever moving clock marking the passing of time, though the person seems to be struggling with this.
I also enjoyed the comparison of the clock's ticking and the movement of time to the swing of a lumberjack and each time interval with a specific strength of wood to chop. The shortest being seconds (twigs), minutes (branches), and hours (oaks) the longer the time, the harder the object to cut down. I like that this gives the reader a visualization of the narrator's stressing over the time with this comparison.
Very relateable as well!
Suggestions
Since you used punctuation in the beginning (periods and commas) I would continue this throughout the poem. Poetry is versatile and doesn't necessarily need punctuation, however to use it selectively throughout a piece feels sloppy if done incorrectly.
That's all I have for suggestions today! I rather enjoyed your poem, whether my interpretation was correct or not I really enjoyed the use of comparison with the lumberjack and the passing of time to a varying degree of strength based on length of time intervals. Very creative and unique comparison!
I look forward to reading more of your work soon,
Keep writing,
-Katja
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about what we as humans perceive as the passage of time.
I like the comparison of the clock’s hands chopping down hours minutes and seconds to how a lumberjack persistently chops down trees because it adds to the poetic character of the composition.
My understanding
The speaker tells us that he is not a patient man in reference to the passage of time. He tells us he wishes to pass. The expression: “He passed away comes to mind.” So I understand this as wish for death and the refresh statement as a wish for another chance at life.
The trembling hands shortness of breath and cold sweat seem to be describing the symptoms just before of death that someone might experience. The impatient feeling is definitely understandable since making sense of the aging process isn’t easy beyond a certain point.
Suggestions:
Perhaps the following two words are not the best.
cut and wearing
wearing -[grooving-creating, causing,] The word “wearing"" temporarily had me imagining the shoe using the rug as a garment.
cut - [topple, fall, keel over,] Otherwise the hours.minutes, and seconds seem to be doing the cutting.
Hours topple like oaks . . . .
What does 64.5 D mean?
Brow aging . . . .
[Wrinkles aging . . . . ] Otherwise the brow gets the 100% responsibility for the aging and tat is hard to imagine sine in most humans the brow plays very little role in contributing to the aged appearance.]
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
First of all, where is 64.5 a D- ?JK.
Amazing.
Really. For a first poem (I can say as someone who's an utter beginner in poetry too). This isn't part of the review sandwich format. You have a gift for imagery. The build up is near perfect. Exam results are a critical time, reminded me of when I sat like that too, once.
Okay, now to the parts where I think there is some scope for improvement . The placement of "tick tick tick tick", was a bit jarring as a start, both because the phrase "tick tock" is more common and that's four periods in the beginning. Again, maybe that was your intended effect, and I would have put "tick tick x2" or "tick tock x2" also after the seconds like twigs part. Kind of like a repetition, but would also match nicely with the continually reducing time units.
Also, since the time related images got so much emphasis, I would have liked am extra line or two here and there, something more about the shoe and the trench and how it plays in with the mounting tension.
Still those are minor errors. For a free, unmetered verse poem, and a first one, this is simple and effective.