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Neverland Part One

by CapybarasAndCoffee


Outside is dark and Wendy is sitting on her bed with a lamp on her bedside table

Wendy Darling: Mother!

Wendy’s mother enters the room

Mary Darling: Yes my dear

Wendy Darling: Will you please sing me a song

Mary Darling: Of course.

Stars In Our Eyes (Intro)

Mary Darling: Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder from afar, shining so bright, like a diamond in the darkest night.

Star bright starlight the first star I see tonight I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. What do you wish for, Wendy?

Wendy Darling: I wish one day we can publish a book. I wish one day we will be well known. I wish for many things but there’s just one thing on the top I wish that we’ll always be together.

Mary Darling: What kind of book?

Wendy Darling: A wondrous book, a place where everything is perfect, a place where pirates roam, a place where no matter how lonely you feel you’re never alone, a place where you can stop growing at whatever age you like, a place where you’ll always live and never die.

It will top the lists it will be the best

Mary Darling: Sounds like we’ve got stars in our eyes. Goodnight now Wendy

Wendy Darling: Good night mother

The screen goes black and it fast forwards to the next day









Wendy Darling: Good afternoon mother.

Mary Darling: Hello Wendy how was school?

Wendy Darling: Just fine. Can we write now?

Mary Darling: Of course

Stars In Our Eyes

Mary Darling: Should it be in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person?

Wendy Darling: What if it’s a mix of these then we can do all three.

Mary Darling: Who will the good guy character be?

Wendy Darling: A person whose caring, compassionate, daring, and has equity

Mary Darling: Now what about the bad guy?

Wendy Darling: A person who is sly, who cannot die, a person who is nice to everybody.

Mary Darling: How about Once Upon A Time?

Wendy Darling: That sounds just fine

*It skips to next scene they both appear a little older*

Wendy Darling: Oh my! Look at the time as it passes by so quickly, still we haven’t even done it. We have to start the pictures, make the character design, what will their fashion be like?

Mary Darling: It’s up to you my dear. I’m just here to jot them down as you say what to write

Wendy Darling: We started this when I was 10 now I’m 11 and we need to begin writing the story and make sure we reach the end, two years ago when began you and I and still we have stars in our eyes

*Wendy pulls out a piece of paper and a pencil and begins to sketch*

Wendy Darling: What about a dress that's tight one the chest but loose everywhere else, kind of short but no thighs in sight, knees are barely visible, with off shoulder sleeve, wait make it long with ruffles, hems, and gems.

Mary Darling: I’ll do my best to make off the idea you’ve created and soon we’ll be on top.

Wendy Darling: We’ve got stars in our eyes and we’re not going to stop.

*A wind blows and it goes to them in their kitchen Wendy is writing on a piece of paper*Wendy Darling: 2 years ago it was a dream but now it’s about to become a reality. After all this time of stars in our eyes our dream will come true.

Mary Darling: Ow! Wendy Darling: Mother are you okay?

Mary Darling: I need to go to a hospital now! Wendy Darling: Come on mother!

*The next thing we see is Wendy sitting outside a hospital room*

Nurse: Wendy you’re mother has died of stage 3 breast cancer

Wendy Darling: How can this be?! NO!

*Wendy starts to sob and the screen goes dark*

Hi!

So this is Neverland which is my own little spin-off of Peter Pan but I changed a bunch of stuff I hope you enjoy please leave a reveiw and let me know your thoughts! :)

P.S Don't be afraid to be honest :)


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Sat Apr 06, 2024 11:20 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

Pleasure to meet you, and your new story! I am Raven, and I’d like to review this script using my Familiar method today! It’s pretty much the YWS’more method with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

Ah, how exciting! I love your ambition, deciding to write this story as a play script! That's so creative and cool, and as for the story itself, it's great! I love your spin on the Peter Pan tale so far. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here! I did want to share something about formatting. Now, please be aware, I am NOT a professional, I only remember this from an elective I took years ago, but this is the general layout I was taught:

ACT I

SETTING

Describe the setting here


TIME

If applicable, mention time details. A certain holiday or event, at a certain clock time, in the present


Description of the opening scene. General layout, important props, character positions, etcetera.

CHARACTER NAME

Character dialogue goes here. I think for song lyrics, the words are italicized and put in quotes, but I cannot guarantee that.


Body language, minor changes, etcetera. If your character just moves into the next room, or time flashes forward like it does in Neverland, it would probably go here.

ACT END


This is NOT me saying you should restructure the story to this format, especially since this is based on memory and I can't guarantee it's 100% accurate, but if you wanted tips on general play script formatting, this is something I can offer...hopefully without sounding like a know-it-all, very sorry if so XD

Either way, I think you could get away with a little more love for your descriptions. Whether a result of the formatting or just overlooking them, they seem a little bit short here. But that was my only complaint in the story itself.

And of course, to reiterate, I am not a professional so please (always) take my advice with a grain of salt. I mean nothing negative by anything I said here, and I cannot overstate how cool this story is ~

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, as I mentioned, there's a lot that's great here!

First of all, as I mentioned, I do love the playscript style, and I really like the spin you put on the story. How Neverland becomes Wendy's own imaginary world, which she wants to bring to a book one day (I think many people on this platform can relate to that, haha!).

I also like how Wendy's mother becomes more of a major character in this version, and your characterization of her is brilliant. I really liked this line from her:

Sounds like we’ve got stars in our eyes.


This felt so whimsical and precious, and it really just made me like her character right off the bat.

Likewise, going on to watch Wendy and her mother build the Neverland world piece by piece, designing everything in it over time, was just such a heartfelt thing to read, drawing the reader in and deceptively staging everything as going fine.

Then, of course, leading into this:

Nurse: Wendy you’re mother has died of stage 3 breast cancer


What?!?! Now that caught me by surprise! The unexpected tragedy in this traditionally innocent story really adds a new darkness to the overall tone, and new depth to explore the characters from. Fascinating!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this was so awesome, I would love to see an Act II! Nicely done! :D

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Sat Apr 06, 2024 3:18 pm
CapybarasAndCoffee says...



@ThekingsAdvisor @KaavyaK @Wr3n
This story is supposed to be a musical did "Stars In Our Eyes" come off as a song?




ThekingsAdvisor says...


In the first bit, i would say then it felt more like a semi-tragic poem. Well, that's why i felt like i didn't have any knowledge on how to write a musical.



KaavyaK says...


It felt like a couplet to be honest, but it was lovely.



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Sat Apr 06, 2024 12:32 pm
ThekingsAdvisor wrote a review...



Wow, this was such a wonderful read. Believe it or not, I have never read about Peter Pan I only have heard of it, so I have zero idea who Wendy is, still this was a good experience. The only problem was that I think you messed up in one of the parts where you did these

"Mary Darling: I need to go to a hospital now! Wendy Darling: Come on mother!"

You put both of the characters in the same line which you weren't doing before.

Overall a really good read.




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Sat Apr 06, 2024 10:22 am
KaavyaK says...



Hi,
I liked your story. I think this ending with an unhappy dimension leaves a hope for the readers.
Will wait for the 'Neverland Part Two'

Thanks




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Sat Apr 06, 2024 7:26 am
Wr3n wrote a review...



hi hi! My name is Wren and this is my attempt at a review :3

I did NOT expect that ending omg. Anyway, the peter pan spin-off idea is something I don't think I've ever seen, especially something like this, so it's pretty cool. Though it is a bit unrealistic (Specifically, people don't die of cancer that quickly. Especially if it was just diagnosed). But, it does add to the charm so I can't really critique. The idea of Wendy having written the idea of Neverland is unique! Definitely something that could be expanded on and made into a full-scale book if you ever decide such. I think my favorite part was Wendy's little speech about Neverland as a concept, "a place where everything is perfect, a place where pirates roam, a place where no matter how lonely you feel you’re never alone, a place where you can stop growing at whatever age you like, a place where you’ll always live and never die." It made me feel really nostalgic, y'know?

Anyway that's about the furthest extent of what I have to say. 10/10, amazing concept/story!





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