Published November 9, 2011
Hi, CaptianRandom here,
I wrote this at 10:12pm about someone, I really want to tell them something, but fear of what they might say and what might happen at school if they tell everyone.
I want to tell you something,
but I just can't
what will you say back to me,
will you break my heart?
it is frowned upon, what I want
but do you want the same, or will you just taunt?
praying for the courage to speak out to you
but hiding away and wanting to redo
so many scenarios come into vision
but only one can go into action
scared of a result I live in fear
of what you might say, when I wait all year
I want to ask you, oh yes I do,
I love you,
but do you love me to?
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hey there! Name is Randi or Alabaster. Please don't take offense if I go into detail when I'm reviewing your work.If you want, you can always message me and we can talk about your work and if you want me to view others. I'll be glad to review some of your work!
but i the I needs to be capatilize just can't
what will you say back to me Needs a comma or a period at the end
will you break my heart?
it is frowned upon,
what i again capatilized please.want but do you want the same,
or will you just taunt?
praying for the courage to speak out to you
but hiding away and wanting to redo
so many scenarios come into vision
but only one can go into actionscared of a result i Capatilize please? live in fear
of what you might say,
when i capatilizewait all year
icapatilize want to ask you,
oh yes i do,i love you, capatilize
but do you love me to?
You do have many errors in here, please redo this. I know I must sound mean but I think you need to redo your grammar as well. Its not well and the para's don't mix together at all. Add a few more lines or take some away, it's just way off.
Thanks,
~Randi (Alabaster)
Hello!
I love the simplicity of your poem. Simple yet it strikes to the core. Blessings!
It's really good, I like it but you only have a few problems with it.
1. YOu need to capatilize your Is, even on YWS.
2. You should put more punctuate more, so we can hear the pauses.
3. Be more cleal.
4. And please stick to one pattern. Your patterns are all over the place. Four lines, none are ryhmed, then boom! the next six lines are all ryhmed, it just doesn't work for you honey.
That is all my Captain Random. HOpe I helped, if not, PM me!
Hi cap'n!
Name's Ciara.
I thought you're poem was excellent, and I loved it because it's something everyone goes through and I can relate to it.
Other than a few grammatical errors (very minor ones like captilization) I had no problems with it.
By the way if you need anyone to talk to, I'm a great listener and will try to help in any way possible.
Keep writing!
Sincerely,
Ciara<3
Looks like we're in the same situation and these lines are likely similar to the situations.
So...I'm just as scared as you.
Great poem!
Hey-
All of the grammar and spelling errors have been pointed out by the reviewers above me, so no need to repeat. Keep writing, I see potential here!
Great post. I though it was really cute and charming. I can't help but feel as though you could take this farther
~Jess
Hi there Captain!
Giving you here a good advice, just say it. Just think about other situations in life that are way harder than telling someone you loff them. XD
Okay, but going back to the poem. I like it, it's very sweet and cute<3 But remember this, do anything to make your topics look professional, that attracts readers: all I's should be uppercase when you use them as a pronoun. And also, there's a typo in the last line.
"I love you,
but do you love me too?"
That's all I've got to say. Good job! ^_^ Keep writing!
~Solly<3
Hey Captain i am Ste and i loved your work. I found it witty yet had the desired emotion to make me really get the serious side if the piece. YOur use of the English language is exceptional ut practice makes perfect pal so jsut keep hard at it.
Keep Writing and i am always here to talk to
Ste