Young Writers Society

Hello!

I just read another one of your poems and this one caught my eye. First of all, the title is interesting. I liked it. It was unique and succeeded in pulling me in, so well done!

I want to say the content was very deep, and had an important message there. I think it's good to talk about self-harm, because it needs to be known about, even though it can be horrible to think about.

A few things that I think could be improved.

1. Your rhyme scheme - it's very forced, and your rhythm doesn't work so well as it could because of this. The words don't flow as well as one would want them to, and the rhythm is jolty because you have to adapt to suit these awkward words.

2. I feel like while your content is already good, it didn't connect with me. The thought of self-harming has previously had the ability to make me cry, but this one didn't move me much. I read it quite quickly, and I didn't take time to absorb the language because it just didn't grab me, and I think that's partly because I was focused on the rhyme scheme, but I also feel that you could have actually written it from the perspective of someone about to commit suicide. Self-harming, while a problem, feels good in the moment. It is a relief from whatever pain you are experiencing, but only self-harmers and maybe a couple of other people really understand this. Recently, I've done quite a lot of Brechtian inspired drama, and Brecht is all about telling you things you don't know to improve what you do know. We know that suicide is very upsetting for everyone involved, and it's good to reflect on that, but also tell us about the temporary joy of self-harming itself. Even though it's definitely not a good idea, self-harming feels good in the moment, and I think you could try expressing this, because it would teach a lot of people.

Overall, a good poem. I think you've tackled an important issue pretty well. Just maybe work on connections and also rhyming. Remember, rhyming is difficult, and you don't have to do it. Maybe try writing this poem again without rhyme and see how it goes. This is only my opinion, though, and I know I gave quite a few critiques, but I do think you've described the pains of suicide well here.

Hi CaptainSaltWater,

As requested.

Your attempt is admirable, as this is a very important topic. However, given the message you wanted to portray I think it failed. You note at the bottom that you want the poem to be a reminder not to self-harm, as well as to try and give hope to people who self-harm by reminding them that they are amazing no matter what. I don't think this poem does that. What it does is describe what happens when people self-harm, but it doesn't do anything more than that. It is like the difference between a wikipedia article on self-harm, and an essay exploring the issues about self-harm. Your poem in this analogy is a wikipedia article - a shallow description of events, and images, and the essay is what you want it to be - a persuasive poem, which digs deep into the real issues and inspires people.

Here's some of the reasons why I think the above is the case:

1. Lack of depth

Your poem does not go any deeper than superficial descriptions. One of your lines is literally "where people self-harm." This is followed by "they hurt themselves." It goes on to note the weapons they might use, the scars, the potential blame, the causes, and the possibility for hope. It does this in a perfunctory way, like a bullet point list. But it does not tackle any of these issues and it does not get underneath their skin. I did not come away from this poem feeling anything new about self-harm, or it inspiring me. And that's one of the main reasons this failed. One potential possibility for a redraft is to focus on just one of these issues, rather than all of them, and hone into it. With more specificity, poems become better. If they tackle something too wide, it is impossible for them to be good. Pick one - let's say, hope, as this is what you really want to convey. Try writing a new draft of this but focusing only on hope.

2. Forced rhymes

The forced rhymes detract from your message and are making you pick lines that do not help. Issues and tissues is probably the worst - you have shoehorned in a line saying "using used tissues" to ensure the rhyme pattern remains. Never mind that "using used tissues" is poor language anyway (the repetition of the verb use), it quite simply jerks the reader out of the poem and makes them think, oh, that's just in there to rhyme with tissues. You also have really weak couplets because of this, things like "they hurt themselves / due to a defeat". Because of your forced rhyming, you have boiled down self-harm into "due to a defeat." Does that statement really make you feel like you have encapsulated the meaning of self-harm? I don't think so. It is shallow and superficial and I want to see you do better than that.

3. Too descriptive

The poem is all description - as mentioned - of things, items, feelings. It does not do anything more. It features no opinions, or messages, or anything really. It is like reading a dry factual statement on self-harm. You use no techniques to come up with anything new or challenge the reader. When I read a poem I want it to feel new and exciting, or at least challenging and engaging, and the way you spin your words and choose your language is one of the best ways to do that. What you have is too basic, too simple, too superficial. Try new things, throw caution to the wind. Don't accept the basic connections, but challenge yourself to come up with new ways of describing things, and you'll find that you may come up with something a lot more memorable. If you want to inspire people who self-harm to stop, or remember that they are amazing, you then want to use language in a new way to connect to these people. Read more poetry and see how published poets do it. They convey their message through interesting language and novel language that captures the imagination and the soul. I don't expect you to be able to do that yet, but I want to see you at least try!


Time to redraft, I think. Think on what I have said above and maybe give this another go. Good luck!

This was really well done!

Self harming is subjective, some people believe it is right.

This is such a beautiful poem with an amazing message. Not myself, but I know some people that I use to go to school with who still self harm and this poem just might do the trick to help them stop or at least make them feel better. Still, I think the meaning of this write was conveyed well and the rhyming really added the perfect touch to the flow of the poem. Nice work! You've done a great job here! -IceWinifredd

Wow, this was simple but powerful. The emotions are clear and you really set a scene of a boulevard of suicide.
The third and fourth lines in the fourth stanza gives a sense that death is so persistent in the area and grief everlasting:

Their loved ones cry

using used tissues.

There are ropes on trees,

weapons left on the street.

They hurt themselves,

due to a defeat.

-

The scars they have,

were left with pain.

They have to live

with an eternal bane.