Young Writers Society

ah this is nice - Lizz!

I believe you have changed this into a poem from whatever it was initially - unless the folks below were really pulling some content out of thin air.

I do like this short piece though - and I think part of 'magic of poetry' is it's ability to bend and explore things we take as truth - in ways that prose cannot. Like everyone takes this "don't put all your eggs in one basket" thing as gospel - but what does it even mean?

It'd be fun honestly to do a whole series of poking at common little sayings like this.

A short critique: I think that the two first lines are a bit awkward in their wording - I don't mind the formality, and I like the use of the word "fiction" - but "one saying, that of this" doesn't quite flow - I would tinker with the wording a bit and see if there's a smoother way to say that.

I also wonder if you could put a more evocative word than "things" // I like the vagueness - because yeah we could still be talkin eggs here - so people can appreciate that on the surface level if they don't want to read deeply - but it implies so much more -> could be money, could be talent, could be energy, beauty, a whole host of things that a person might hope to offer others.

My favorite part of the flip is probably that you change the directionality of the saying on both the surface and deeper level -> The "don't put all your eggs in 1 basket saying" is normally observed selfishly -> I'll diversify my portfolio so that I don't suffer if I drop the basket. But you flip the saying to say we should just be asking about where to put the eggs, or be concerned about our own consumption of our goods (whether they're eggs or something like talents/money/time etc) but we should be protecting them for the good of /offering/ them to others. That changes the whole saying's purpose.

And then the heartbreaking realization that the speaker feels like even though they're evaluating their basket as something to offer to others / they feel like there's not enough there to need to worry about putting them in separate baskets.

It is short, but there's no way that someone "couldn't get it" because there are so many directions to take meaning from it - surface level and at a deeper and narrative level.

I will say if you think about expansion I think there are some fascinating turns this poem could take -> if you want to mix in other eggs sayings you could too. Eggs also evoke a lot of wonderful imagery and symbolism - my first thought when reading the title was questioning whether this might be a poem about reluctant motherhood or something. Yeah so many areas for expansion - though I do like what you have already too.

Keep on writing (whether people get the poems or not - I think they're great) - I'm looking forward to making my way through these recent little pieces you've posted - I am anticipating some gems.

~alliyah

Dear LadyBird,

My nine year old cousin says, "I hate eggs. They're gross and mushy, and they're bleh. And they taste like poo, not that I've ever tasted poo but they taste like poo. Ba bye!"

"And why are you wearing an Indiana Jones hat? Do you have his whip too? Okay that's all I want to say, ba bye!"

I've always wondered about the saying. I love how emotional all of your poems are. They are very simple and leave you with something to think about. I love them, keep writing!

- B

P.S. I'll be looking for your name in the green room!

Hi, lizzybookclubqueen1! I'm Magestorrow, but you can call me Mage. And I'm here to review your work! I checked the other reviews before to make sure I didn't repeat anything, so hopefully this will be helpful!

I really like the idea of this. Jehanne is not only a knight in shining armor-get the pun?-but she is also the medieval equivalent of a superhero. What a cool girl! She's pretty awesome. Just wondering, where did you get the idea for this story?

As I was reading, I noticed that you had some M.I.A. punctuation. Mainly commas. I'll put the revised sentences down below this so you can go back and edit.

You see , she was training to become a lady.

This meant, along with the etiquette classes she was required to take to prepare her for marriage , she had to learn everything about running a manor.

Jehanne , of course, was of noble blood, but she was even more special than being the daughter of a lord. In secret “Several lords came to help me one day; well that is what they said. They tried to make me give them land in exchange of marriage for Jehanne. Is that not right dear?” Lady Anne asked. Jehanne and Lelia were protectors of the castle.

“Have you had any takeover attempts from neighboring manors?” the Bishop asked, concerned.

“Several lords came to help me one day; well that is what they said. They tried to make me give them land in exchange of marriage for Jehanne. Is that not right, dear?” Lady Anne asked.

 After breakfast and prayers, Lady Anne sent for Jehanne while some servants were hitching the wagon.

Once they were inside, Jehanne held Lelia’s paw and rubbed the pendant around her neck.

To better accompany Leila’s new form, Jehanne rubbed her pendant again and transformed herself into an armored knight.

Lelia’s breath of lethal fire destroyed the thieves’ wagon, but not their own. Her leathery wings flapped like a tent in a wind storm, kicking up a great dust that blinded the thieves. The thieves, frightened, jumped upon the horses that had been pulling their wagon and galloped away as fast as lightning. In the fight, Jehanne’s hand rubbed against her magic pendant which was now glowing in a blinding matter and she became visible again. Luckily, her visor covered her face. Then, while nobody could figure out what had happened, Lelia and she rode away so they could get home before Clara and the guards.

Once home they hurried to the old unused barn that was a secret place.

Once home, the duo hurried to an old, unused barn. It was Jehanne and Lelia's secret hideaway. Only the two knew of it, making it one of the safest places for them to revert to their usual forms.

Jehanne’s Mother placed her with one of her childhood friends, Count Frederick’s son, younger Frederick, and she danced later with him after dinner.

 All was well for now until Jehanne and Lelia had to rise again to save the day.

For now, all was well. Only time knew when Jehanne and Lelia would have to rise to save the day once more.

This was so cute. I mean, honestly. It was inexplicably cute. Just, awesome.

Though I do think it could use some renovation here and there (it sounds more like a description of the story instead of the actual one, could use some more dialogue between characters to flesh out personalities), but generally I think the idea could make a good children's book, or a really fun YA series. Jehanne comes off, at least to me, as the sort of female protagonist that goes on adventures fighting otherworldly creatures and protecting travellers while also being the quirky, funny everygirl. I mean, that sort of thing could go wrong, but in this case I think it might actually work out.

But again, if you are planning to make it into a book, try fleshing out the characters more. Have the scene start out with a conversation between Jehanne and her mother, for instance. But that's just my suggestion, so feel free to take it lightly. If you ever do continue it, I'd love to read the next part.

This great nice start and wording and nice job setting the scene. Please continue this