Young Writers Society

Amazing work! I was expecting to read something completely different based off of the title, but I was pleasantly surprised. The narrator has a very strong voice in this poem, and I like how their bitter words parallel with the bitter coffee. Here is my review on each stanza:

FIRST STANZA
The first stanza really drew me in; I like how the lines are divided, making it seem like the narrator is rambling in anger or bitterness (if I'm interpreting it correctly). It sets the tone nicely. I don't know if you meant to write "god" instead of "God," but it makes sense that you did.

SECOND STANZA
I feel like this stanza was a little clunky, but I love your description of the coffee, and this stanza continues the tone nicely.

THIRD STANZA
This wrapped the poem up well. I can tell that you're very skilled in writing poetry. I always struggle with finding a good ending, so I admire how you did it.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Overall, amazing work!! I hope my review helps. Keep writing!

Hi CaptainJack!
Here's a quick review for you today!

with strong black coffee and the overall
absence of creamer and sugar as the
coffee was made by hardy men of sea

for hours on end only to realize that they
had forgotten your presence as a child of
god among those who are too old to stray
from this so called righteous path.

Hi there CaptainJack! Niteowl here to review.

I like the metaphors and imagery in this, but there's also a few spots I think could be cleaned up.

So the first stanza is the strongest in my opinion. The way it runs on makes me feel like maybe the speaker is trying to say it quickly in fear of being forgotten/invisible again. It seems the speaker has been hanging around the church trying to find salvation and fellowship, only to be ignored and forgotten by the more devout members. My inner grammarian wants the stanza to end in a question mark and the comma feels out of place, but those are nit-picks.

The second stanza I'm less clear on, but it seems the speaker is talking to someone more naive and sheltered who has not experienced the bitter coffee of the real world. It's unclear if the speaker wants the subject to join them in this bitter-coffee drinking or if they're trying to warn them away so they remain innocent. The second line feels like it's not actually saying much-it's telling me there's a thing and vivid details but I never get a sense of what those are. I'm not sure if the description needs expanding here or if you could do without the line entirely.

I really like how the third stanza ties in with the first. It feels like the speaker has just been hanging out in the church trying to find all that hope and grace stuff, but now they're drinking days-old coffee (side note-I did that once on accident after an office holiday break. 0/10 do not recommend). I do, however, feel the perspective could be a little clearer. Who is "them"? The righteous church-goers from the first stanza or maybe the sea travelers from the second? Who is the other person drinking the coffee? It's implied that it's "you", but the previous stanza reads like that person hasn't had the bitter coffee yet, so I'm unsure.

The closing line is excellent. The bad coffee seems to reflect the narrator and how they have grown bitter from being forgotten by the churchgoers.

Overall, I like the way the piece uses extended metaphors, but there are a few spots that are a little too ambiguous. Great job and as always, keep writing!