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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

That Old Dream 1.2

by Brigadier


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

As she slid into the drivers seat of the mud covered jeep, a hand reached out of the bundle, followed by a series of coughs and a quick introduction.

“Captain James Barten, just by the way.”

Della ignored the offered hand, starting up the machine and carefully rolling out of the mud before they got stuck. She looked back once more on the body they left in the snow, reassuring herself that someone would come back for the boy soon enough. Proper conventions called for retrieval of a body whenever possible - it just wasn’t possible right now.

The bundle spoke again, saying, “That’s my name. Of course, I already know yours, but I think I’m going to ask for it anyways. Or I could just ask about who is leasing the spot in your bed for the night?”

“Oh really, James. That’s a bit crude even for you and especially about the woman who is trying to save your life,” the priest from the back said, speaking up in her defense.

Father Louis pulled another blanket out of the back of the jeep and handed it up to Della. The temptation to let him die passed through her contemplating mind again, but Barten was surely like any other soldier that she had met out here. Quick to joke about her combined with a failure to follow through on any of the joke’s intentions.

To add to the priest’s objections, Della asked, “Don’t you think that’s just a little bit inappropriate for introductory conversation, Captain?”

“We didn’t exactly have a conventional introduction. And you’re not exactly my type so I’m just repeating jokes from all the men and women that interested in you.”

“It doesn’t matter who is screwing you or getting fucked by you tonight, Barten. Who makes you ejaculate doesn’t determine which jokes you can and can’t try on me.”

The silence that fell over them was like all of the silence in Korea. Just because no one was talking didn’t mean the room was going to be quiet for long. Their jeep was traversing along a road in the middle of a war zone, leaving behind a corpse wrapped in a thin blanket from the victim’s knapsack. A piece of material that the folks back home wouldn’t have even thought fit for a horse.

“Della, what are you going to do with the boy’s body?” Father Louis asked, making his presence known again.

“If I were back home, and I found a body in the woods, and I wasn’t following the code of conduct of the military, then I’d probably burn-”

“Cremation isn’t really the best idea for Catholics, Ms. Darling.”

Burning a body was her definite choice for happening across one in the old forests. But these weren’t the old forests that she was used to and she certainly hadn’t accidentally stumbled across the boy.

“You know boys and girls, though I’m not making any clear assumptions with you two, there’s a chance he’s not Catholic,” Barten said from the passenger’s seat.

The doctor had pulled himself out of the bundle of blankets beside her, coughing while lighting a cigarette, and was currently enjoying a few long draws in their agreed upon silence. Della ignored how his hand was still wrapped with hers as she drove slowly through the muddy ruts with her free hand. She instead had her attention split between their hazardous path and the state of the bullet wound she had spotted back at their wilderness triage point.

If a soldier didn’t want to tell anyone that he was dying then that was up to him, but it was her responsibility to make sure that the hospital had as many able surgeons as possible during this war.

She shook her hand loose of his, putting both hands back on the steering wheel while explaining, “No, sir. He is most definitely Catholic by the medal he was wearing and probably by the name that was stitched into his collar. Though, I doubt you would know about such things as a Texas Southern Baptist?”

Della added a questioning tone to the end of her statement, knowing that it wasn’t an entirely accurate summary of Barten, but it was her best guess so far.

“Close but no cigar, Miss Darling,” he replied. Barten stopped to take another breath, the slight wheezing more apparent than before. “I am in fact a Georgia Southern Methodist. So you were partially correct in your guess about me.”

“If you’re a Southern Methodist from Georgia, then how is any part of my guess correct?”

“Because I’m from Texas originally and I never quite lost the voice. It’s always confusing to the other lovely inverts I meet in my travels.”

Father Louis looked at Della with an open mouth and a blank state of confusion across his face. His eyes flashed between herself and the doctor, and she could already hear the questions coming from his slick Midwest accent.

“Excuse my ignorance, but what exactly are you two referring to because your accents both sound the same to my ears? And I lead the choir so I know my hearing is fair enough for government work.”

He was a Yankee. That much was clear from his confusion over the terms that she and Barten could throw back with ease after barely knowing each other. She just hadn’t been sure which part of the Midwest the priest was from before - there were some ‘Southern’ parts of the Midwest region.

Della ignored the priest at first, continuing her inquiry into Captain Barten.

“I guess they didn’t like your habits when you were in Texas, Mr. Barten.”

“I guess they didn’t,” he answered and blew out another puff of cigarette smoke.

Father Louis spoke again with more alarm than confusion, tapping Della on the shoulder.

“I’m sure that you two have some very interesting homosexual matters to discuss, but we’ve got some trouble coming up behind us.”

The doctor readjusted in his seat, moving one of the side view mirrors with a grim look passing his face before he even spoke.

“What’s happening back there, Barten?”

“You might want to pull over.”

“Why in the hell would I do that when you’re bleeding all over the god-”

The expletive that came at the end of her question was drowned out by the choppers that came swarming from above. Della moved the jeep over to the side of the road, directing Father Louis to keep pressure on Barten’s wound while they watched a series of ambulances, buses, and beaten cargo trucks pass by on the muddy road. They were all surely headed towards different battlefields and different hospitals based on their choices at the junction.

Their silence was not a voluntary choice anymore - they couldn’t have heard each other over the roar even if there had been anything appropriate to say.


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Mon Apr 12, 2021 12:10 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi CaptainJack,

Mailice here with a review! :D

I think I already reviewed the first part of this chapter excerpt and now I don't know why I didn't review the second one as well. :D

The cynicism is well present in the text and like how it's already very satirical at times. Della is a very interesting, complex personality and I like the way you portray her here. You definitely succeeded very well in portraying her so strongly.

In some dialogues you can quite quickly understand who is speaking, but I would still briefly insert who just said what in some places, as it can get a bit out of sight in longer stretches. Anyway, if there are three or more characters, I think you should at least include that more often.

But I like that the dialogues are very fluid and they are also well written. They don't seem plastered on or artificial, but real, sarcastic and serious, as you would probably expect in the army.

What I find lacking in this chapter are the descriptions of the landscape a little. Of course, that's hard to add anything concrete when Della is just driving the jeep, but at least you could add more of those short descriptions of where they are going, if they roll over a rock that makes them bump or something like this. Otherwise I think the short interjections of descriptions are very good. Especially in connection with Della's character (theme of hands, etc) works very well and already gives her a lot of depth to her and to a certain extent to the other characters.

However, the chapter itself seems a bit short, because not much happens, except for the conversations between the Father, Della and the Captain. There could certainly have been some more to stretch out the chapter, as I don't really know where the story is going yet.

Maybe it would be practical to just briefly introduce a train of thought, for example from Della, how she came to be here, and what her goal is in this whole action. For me that´s something I would add; the objective of the characters.

Otherwise, I thought you had a great way of writing, where I didn't notice anything that was out of place.

Mailice.




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Sat Mar 13, 2021 5:54 pm
Vita wrote a review...



Hi there! Another great and funny chapter. You definitely still have my attention. Their were a few things that could have been worded more clearly, and I've put my suggestions for how to rewrite them below:
“Oh really, James. That’s a bit crude even for you and especially about the woman who is trying to save your life,” the priest from the back said, speaking up in her defense."
It might be better, here, to either say "Oh, really James!" or "Really, James?" it reads more naturally. you also don't need to explain that he was speaking up in her defense, since the reader can see that for themself.
"Quick to joke about her combined with a failure to follow through on any of the joke’s intentions." This is awkwardly worded. try "Quick to joke about her, but unlikely to follow through."
"The temptation to let him die passed through her contemplating mind again," I would write this "Once again, she contemplated the temptation of letting him die."
"And you’re not exactly my type so I’m just repeating jokes from all the men and women that interested in you.” This line doesn't really make sense here. It's awkward and hard to understand. If it were me, I'd write "Don't get your panties in a bunch, you're not exactly my type. Can't say the same for all the other men and women that are interested in you." I also would still like to figure out what kind of alternative universe 1950s we're in that's less heteronormative than 2021. Is anything else different in this world?
“It doesn’t matter who is screwing you or getting fucked by you tonight, Barten. Who makes you ejaculate doesn’t determine which jokes you can and can’t try on me.”
This seems unnecessarily vulgar. I'm not against bad language when it adds something to the story, but this is really quite gross, and I don't think it adds much. Especially since Ms. Darling is from the Carolinas, and just last chapter reflected that just one f-bomb could have ended her career not to long ago. She's clearly not your typical "proper lady" but she would probably retain some vestige of the southern politeness she was raised with. Maybe try something like "I don't care who is going to bed with you tonight, what gets you off doesn't determine what jokes you can and can't try on me.
“If I were back home, and I found a body in the woods," Are they currently in a forest? If so, I don;t remember that being described, and trees aren't the first thing I picture in a war-zone, what with all the bombs.
"probably by the name that was stitched into his collar." How can you tell someone is catholic by their name?
"Though, I doubt you would know about such things as a Texas Southern Baptist?” This phrase confused me. I originally thought she was asking if he knew what a Texas Southern baptist was. I would write it "Though I doubt a Texas Southern Baptist such as yourself would know about such things?"
“I’m sure that you two have some very interesting homosexual matters to discuss, but we’ve got some trouble coming up behind us.” How did Della and the priest know he was gay just from him saying that "she wasn't his type"? I suspected he was when he said it, but I read it more as a subtle hint than anything concrete.
Overall, another amazing chapter. I'll definitely read and review the next one when it comes out.





"I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!"
— Feltrix