Date 2020
Sheriff Brightwall entered the diner glad to finally sit down and have some coffee what seemed like hours of paperwork. He smiled at Diana the waitress. He loved her and she knew it.
“Lovely day isn’t it,” she said.
“Not as lovely as your coffee and very good looks,“ he replied.
She blushed and started making his coffee.
Brightwall turned and saw a TV in the corner of the diner. “That’s new,” he said.
“We had that installed the other day,” said Diana.
“Wouldn’t want to miss the first rocket to go into space since 2013,” said a man at a table.
Brightwall thought he had seen this man somewhere before. “Have I seen you somewhere before,” he asked.
“Not that I know of,” replied the man.
Brightwall shrugged and they both looked back at the TV and saw an interview between Mark Eddison and John Dwight.
“Is that old John Dwight having a go at Christianity again,” the man at the table said.
“Tell us something new,“ said Diana as she handed Brightwall his coffee.
“There you go John,” she said.
Sheriff John Brightwall turned around. “Thank you,“ he said.
Diana turned up the volume on the TV so they could hear.
“So you are now be called the greatest atheist in the world,” said Mark Eddison.
“Well I try,” replied John Dwight which brought a few laughs.
“I mean you have worked so hard to prove your point and you have wrote more than five books which were all very well thought out and researched and believe me they were all quite thick,” said Mark.
“As thick as all those so called “Christians” heads,” said John, which brought hardly any laughs, which put a very annoyed look on his face.
“I believe...” said Mark who felt that he had brought that bad joke on and wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, “that that you are a friend with the famous Doctor Amanda Grayling who also shares your views on God and Christianity.”
“Yes I am,” said John who was still annoyed over the joke but wanted to put all his thoughts about it to the back of his head. “Which I think should rest the case perfectly, since she is said to be the smartest and most intellectual female on the planet.”
“But she’s still female,” said Brightwall jokingly and smiled at Diana, who gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder.
The man at the table looked at them. “Are you to married at all?” he asked with a smile.
John and Diana looked at each other and did not know what to say.
“I don’t know...,” said John “are we?”
“We could be,” said Diana
John leaned closer on his chair which, being one of those tall ones, fell over. Diana laughed as John got back on his feet. “Could have happened to anyone,” he said.
As he stood his chair up John saw that the man at the table looked quite pale and was shaking.
“Are you all right?” asked John.
The man did not answer but was staring at the screen, which had a picture of Doctor Amanda Grayling on it. John looked at the picture; the woman was smiling down at them with a happy, cheerful smile. The picture then disappeared as someone had asked Diana to switch channels to the rocket launch preparation.
John then turned back to the man at the table. “Are you all right?” he asked again.
The man did not look at John but said “I...I don’t know, I...“ The man then got up suddenly and stumbled towards the door.
John caught the man by his arm. “You’re not well, let me take you to the hospital,” he said.
“Let go of me,” the man shouted.
“You need help,” said John, and grabbed him again.
The man then grabbed John and pushed him with great force. John was lifted off the ground and landed on the table the man had been sitting at. John tried to get up, he had banged his head witch felt sore. Diana helped John up and sat him on a chair.
“Are you all right,” she asked.
“My head hurts,” he replied.
Diana went to get something to help his head but John did not want to wait. It was quite warm as he walked out of the diner witch made John think that he would get very hot and sweaty running after this man and thought about going back inside. Nevertheless, he wanted to catch the man that needed help and had ruined his day. He looked to his right and just saw the man, stumbling around the corner. “Perhaps I won’t have to run after all,” he thought hopefully.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,596 Reviews
Hello, Candyman!
I agree with UpandOut15 that this was an intriguing piece. It makes me wonder what's been happening in the past eighteen years, what kind of world they live in, what the Sheriff's life has been like, and especially who the mystery man is. I like the little romance between Brightwall and Diana. I think there's a lot of potential there, should you decide to develop it further.
I have to ask... Is this the first part of a novel, or a larger story? If it is supposed to be a complete story in itself, it could stand a little further developing: it doesn't feel quite complete. However, it makes a very good beginning for a novel or novelette.
Reading through this, I noticed several instances in which you missed words. I'm not going to point them out for two reasons: One, I don't know if I could find them again, and Two, you need to go through and read over your piece. It took me several years of knowing that rule to actually put it into practice, but believe me: reading over your stories before letting anyone else read them can save you a lot of embarrasment. Spell-check is awesome, but it can't catch missing words or misused words. Always read over things before posting them or handing them off for editing.
How long have you been writing? Your punctuation is much better than most beginners that I've seen. Most people stumble on dialogue, but you've done a pretty good job there; though you need to add a question mark to the end of your character's questions. Like this:
“Are you all right?" She asked.
A question mark goes at the end of the question, and the first word after the quotation is capitalized.
Altogether, I think you have a good start here, it just needs a little work. It looks like your main problems are technical things: punctuation, show-don't-tell, grammar, and things like that. Your imagination doesn't seem to be flawed, though. You have introduced us to a new world (or a future world... Whichever you prefer), and you did it fairly well. Your world has a distinct feel to it that you did a good job of communicating.
Keep writing! And if you do post more of this story, please let me know!
this is a good story enjoyed it
Thanks for looking at my story and I am glad you enjoyed it.When I right more tell me if you think theirs something I should do.Keep Calm and Carry On.
Hey, Up here, as requested!
I'd like to start out by saying this is a very intriguing piece. It leaves off with the possibility of a second chapter, if this is part of a novel, or second part, if this is a short story.
From a reviewing standpoint, everything is pretty good. You do tell a lot more than you show, but that gradually improves throughout the piece and is easily fixed, and you have a few mix ups with the correct version of a word (e.i. - "witch" is supposed to be "which," seeing as you weren't looking for a noun or adjective). But once again, those things can be easily fixed. The last thing I noticed is that a lot of your characters are named John. I suggest possibly changing one of them. It's usually recommended that you don't have more than one character whose name starts out with the same letter, but it's the sound that truly counts. John is a fine name, just don't overuse it.
I hope this helps!
- Up
Thank you UpAndOut15 for looking at my story and your advice.I think you may be right about naming to many people John so how about Reginald Dwight instead of John Dwight.Let me no if you think it's a good idea.Keep Calm and Carry On.