z

Young Writers Society



same.

by Persistence


the comet shows off its tail in their sky,
wanting to be praised like the carefully-constructed rhythm
it spent hours designing.
but it's no different than all the other rocks
that trace the black and blue.
and slowly but steadily it loses part of itself.

the raindrop crashes against your windshield,
wanting to be remembered for a carefully-conceived pun
that any other spec of water could have made.
but it is nothing more than a salty tear inside the Dead Sea
that won't be talked or thought about.
you wipe it off your glass without looking.

the photon races through her window,
wanting attention for all the carefully-created rhymes
that countless others have used countless times.
but her skin is a mirror that bounces it off,
and it speeds away from her into the distance,
losing some of its energy to her mirror,
the rest dispersed inside your raindrop,
what’s left absorbed by the coldness of their passing comet.

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Sun Sep 25, 2016 7:22 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Candy! Thought I'd drop by and review this this Review Day.

I quite like this - I took away from it that it was about, well, sameness, and feeling like you can never come up with something creative, which is definitely something I relate to a lot.

Overall, the structure of this is quite sound, and my main points are little almost nitpicks that I think detract from the poem overall.

but it is nothing more than a salty tear inside the Dead Sea
that won't be talked or thought about.
you wipe it off your glass without looking.

Watch out for repetition. The second line here basically conveys the same sentiment that the third line does, and the third line does it much better. To be honest, if the second line was deleted entirely, I don't think you'd lose much. (Just change the third line to "that you wipe off..."

wanting to be praised like the carefully-constructed rhythm
it spent hours designing.

This was another place I was going to harp on unnecessary repetition, (if it's 'carefully-constructed,' the fact that it spent hours designing it doesn't mean much) but then I realized the point of the structure and the way it mirrors the other two stanzas. Because of that, I'd say the problem is that with the other two stanzas, the equivalent of the second line implies that what the thing came up with is actually really overused. However, this one doesn't do that, and that's what I'd recommend changing. Maybe allude to a really common chord progression or drum rhythm? I wish I could give you a specific suggestion, but I'm not really well-versed in popular music. (I also didn't understand why you said "like" the rhythm it designed, when all the others were "for")

but her skin is a mirror that bounces it off,
and it speeds away from her into the distance,
losing some of its energy to her mirror,
the rest dispersed inside your raindrop,
what’s left absorbed by the coldness of their passing comet.


This stanza is harmed by slightly awkward phrasing. "That bounces it off" reads strangely to me - why not use "reflects"? Similarly, since "the rest" disappeared inside the raindrop, as a reader I wasn't expecting there to be more left over to be absorbed by the comet. I also thought it was odd that it's "their" comet - you never specified a "their" in the first stanza.

And that's all I've got! Sorry for so many little nitpicks, as I said, the overall idea and structure of this is quite sound, and I think with a tiny bit of editing this will really go to the next leve.




Persistence says...


Hello, Mea! Thanks for reviewing.

By "bounces it off" I wanted to draw the focus on that one particle. If I said "reflect" it would have been more of a group thing, as in a whole beam being reflected. This way it's just the one photon. So sorry if you don't like the wording, but to me it sounded a bit more individual if you bounce something off rather than reflect it.

Also there is a "their" in the first stanza, in the very first line. And the light doesn't disappear in the raindrop. It disperses in it, you know, like light disperses when it goes through rain and you get a rainbow?

Anyway, thanks for the review. I should have spent a bit more time on this poem, but I think it was around 2 am when I wrote it, and I just wanted to write something. Maybe that's why it spent so long in the Green Room. Thanks again, and have a great day!



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Wed Sep 21, 2016 11:36 am
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santiago says...



hi, aman here.
i dont know much about poems but i like the concept. It tells us to do diffrent things if we want to leave an impression, doing something in a monotonous procedure wont make a difference. :)




Persistence says...


Hey! Thanks for reading!

I'm glad you were able to interpret it in your own way. Have a nice day!



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Tue Sep 20, 2016 4:37 pm
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Elijah wrote a review...



King here

I can not say I dislike this poetry because I do not fully understand, maybe I understand it in a different way it needs to be understood but anyways. The idea is still the same for me. I really do not know your style of writing so I can not complain about it so much but I do not find using no capitalization very attractive or appealing for the reader's eye. I would totally understand if your own style is like this but unfortunately, I see that you use every other kind of punctuation but not the capital letters where you need them. I would be okay with this styly/writing if you had not used commas and fullstops but if you will leave a fullstop, you need to start the sentence to end it.

I also noticed that you use 'carefully-..' for each second line for each next stanza. Maybe this has a deeper meaning but I still do not find it. I only realized that there is a rhyme in the second stanza which I surprisingly liked. I know that you have no big issues because your vocabulary is very good as I see and you do not make the small mistakes we have times to times like where to put the apostrophe. Anyways, I will leave the edited version down below. You do not need to correct it if you find it worse.


The comet shows off its tail in their sky,
wanting to be praised like the carefully-constructed rhythm
it spent hours designing.
But it's no different than all the other rocks
that trace the black and blue,
and slowly but steadily it loses losing part of itself.

The raindrop crashes against your windshield,
wanting to be remembered for a carefully-conceived pun
that any other spec of water could have made.
But it is nothing more than a salty tear inside the Dead Sea
that won't be talked or thought about.
You wipe it off your glass without looking.

The photon races through her window,
wanting attention for all the carefully-created rhymes
that countless others have used countless times.
But her skin is a mirror that bounces it off,
and it speeds away from her into the distance,
losing some if of its energy to her mirror,
the rest dispersed inside your raindrop,
what’s left absorbed by the coldness of their passing comet.


Hope it helped and have a good day!




Persistence says...


Hey! Thank you for reviewing!

I've seen a lot of people take issue with capitalization and punctuation in poetry. However, writing this poem the way I did has nothing to do with my style. I usually accurately use both punctuation and capitalization. But here I was trying to give off a more depressing vibe, so that's why I didn't use any capital letters.

This may sound blunt, but the part that you "fixed" in the first stanza, right at the end, is simply wrong. It completely changes the meaning of the sentence, and it is not what I was trying to say. I didn't say that the rocks lose parts of themselves, because not all celestial bodies are comets (and comets lose a tiny bit of mass over time). I specifically said that the comet is the thing that loses a part of itself. That is the whole point of the poem. The objects lose a part of themselves. The photon loses energy, the comet loses mass, the droplet is completely lost and wiped off. They fail to draw any attention, so they blend back with everything else, and thus they are the same. The comet is the same as all the rocks, the droplet is the same as all the other raindrops, and the photon is the same as all the other photons, despite all their lightly-described individual journeys. So, that's why I had the sentence the way it is, and not the way you rewrote it.

The use of "carefully" has no meaning on its own. I only chose it because it alliterates with the word after it, and it makes it sound nicer. I didn't want a completely structured, nor a completely unstructured poem, so here and there I added a few things.

Thanks for pointing out that typo in the last stanza. I'll make sure to correct it straight away.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing. I appreciate it. There's something else I would like to comment on regarding your review, however.

The use of different colours is just brilliant. I don't see this done often, and I haven't done it myself, but I really like it. It makes it look incredibly neat and pleasing to the eye. Thank you for taking the time to make it that way. It really is something special, and if it's not too much trouble for you, I recommend that you do this for other reviews as well. It's a really excellent touch. Just wanted to point that out.

Again, thank you very much for taking the time to review. It is greatly appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful day yourself!



Elijah says...


For the thing that you do not agree with for the end of the first stanza, I did not change the meaning, I only changed the tense so it goes more with the tense you have started the line with.


For the coloured text, it is a very hard to do it because you need to use more than two codes to make the colour and all the corrections. I am glad it is liked. /purple for life/



Persistence says...


The changing of the tense changes the meaning. If you use present continuous in this situation, you will be referring to the rocks. If you use present simple, you can use a pronoun, which has person and number, and they determine what you're referring to (in this case, the comet).



Elijah says...


It still refers to the comet because we are talking about one thing, not several like the rocks. I still accept your ways also. If I cut the part where we say 'itself', then we will not know if we talk about the first or the second. But 'itself' refers to the comet so whatever I do, we talk about that 'it'.



Persistence says...


Ohhh. You're absolutely right. I didn't see that. Sorry for arguing. My bad.



Elijah says...


It is fine. XDD




A wizard is never late. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
— Gandalf