Things that should remain things

There's perhaps no feeling worse then rejection. To watch as something of your own creation, an idea, a story or even some words you've merely muttered laid out and stamped upon. Your chest manages to feel both constricted and hollow simultaneously, it takes conscious reminders to suppress the primal instinct of crying. Some of us face rejection only once or twice in our lives, while others are forced to bear it day after day after freakin' day.

Some people deserve this fate, though they often work out to be the one's who inflict it upon the less fortunate. And why? Because they are "normal". They are the ones that define what is acceptable and what is not. And why? I don't know. If I did then maybe this gun wouldn't be by my head right now.

I don't understand it. People tell me no one does but that's obviously not true. If it wasn't true I should be able to walk around and be gay and be proud of it, instead of crouching over what self-respect I have left in the shadow of regret, cast by the scorn of those unable to accept difference. Everyone seems to know why this shadow is there, but me; the one who should know most of all.

The metal is cold. On both hand and forehead. Just like the countless drops of sweat that break out every time I see someone look at me. Like the little needles of shame that prick my skin every time I sit and they move away. Like the constricting and expanding insides of my chest, whenever something I say is disregarded. And when I ask why it's always the same: ask your boyfriend faggot.

It's just the way the world is I suppose. People hardly judge you by who you are anymore. It's the people your attracted to, the color of your skin, the time you get in Track and Field, the amount of people you waste your life with that add up to make who you are. These things shouldn't remain things, things that can identify you before you can identify yourself.

Courage. Who will stand and fight for their opinion while others bow down and shed their inner selves for temporary acceptance? This is a thing that should remain a thing. Honor. Who will feed their input and protect themselves from rejection on their own while others let it tear them apart? This is a thing that should remain a thing. Loyalty. Who will support one-another despite the shunning of the ignorant, while others fly from false friendship to temporary allies? These are things that should remain things, yet don't. And why not is a mystery. Maybe all will become clear if I pull this trigger. Maybe then I will understand, maybe then I could be accepted. Maybe....