Published June 17, 2007
- Synaesthesia is a condition in which one type of sensory stimulation evokes the sensation of another, in some cases triggering the perception of vivid colour.
Creation is obsolete in terms of a new colour;
the rainbow bleeds but three hues into the blender,
and it takes but her smile to provoke
a rhapsody of palette tones; a symphony
collapsing into the static grey.
He said, she said, you said. ‘Something seems familiar’
A culmination of meaningless chatter, newspaper clippings
and commercial jingles are flashing neon
in your mind. She is speaking, but you can only see her
swimming in the hazy aqua of your eyes, treading softly
through the viridian blades of grass, her words
just the breathless rush of a thousand other voices
that are not yours, but speak on your behalf.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Looking at how this poem has improved I'd like to say well done! This is much better than the first draft and some of your imagery is wonderful but I think you should work on the rhythm. It's not bad but a strong rhythm could make this brilliant and a fast paced rhythm would add to the emotions involved.
I like the imagery...
I haven't really read over what everyone else has said. (I see some stanza killing went on?)
The imagery is really nice, the only problem I have with this poem is my connection to it. It's very beautiful, and presents a lovely picture in my mind, but what am I supposed to be feeling? I don't feel a whole lot, I just see really pictures. This would be such much better if I could get an impression of emotion from it, but I can't...
It's nice though
Wow, Cameron, you instant killer of stanzas! *high-five* I like it much better now, although you might want to play around with the sentence structure in the last stanza so it doesn't all seem so long and drawn out. I mean, right now there's a sentence stretching five lines. Why not a period after "grass"? Without one there, said sentence is more of a comma splice, no? Er...maybe not, but it's still bizarre.
Good job (and prompt editing...wow)!
-Colleen
Alrighty, the second stanza is gone, but I couldn't find it in my heart to forfeit all of it, so I combined parts of it in the last stanza. Better?
I am definitely a fan of the beginning and the end of this poem, but I think that even after revision the second stanza is unnecessary. If not unnecessary...still done poorly. It doesn't fit with the rest of the poem; I think this is because there are so many adjectives, and while I realize that the adjectives are there for a purpose, they really slowed me down and interrupted the really lovely rhythm of the first stanza.
Other than that, good work!
-Colleen
Presenting the first revision. Still needs some work, but I've tried to make the stanza's connections more evident. While the last stanza may seem confusing, its based upon the synaesthesia of a real individual, whose condition allowed him to remember pretty much everything that ever happened to him. When someone would speak to him, it would instantly conjure up memories of novel passages, past conversations, etc, etc. Hope this is an improvement.
Cameron!
Your title caught my eye immediately, as I actually have synesthesia, and I've been trying to explain to members in the chat exactly why I freak out when they type in all caps (my letters have colors, capital letters are the most noticeable, and when I see all caps, they don't mix well in my brain and I end up feeling sick).
Anyway. Enough about me. *laughs*
I was expecting to see a lot of synesthetic imagery in here, actually, and I'm sad to say I was disappointed. Now, that would be fine if I could figure out how the title relates to the poem, but again, I only have a vague idea.
See, this is what I'm talking about. It has a bit of that synesthetic imagery, and at this point I'm loving the poem and I want to read more.
I actually really dislike this stanza. The first line doesn't need that comma. I like the "aqua of your eyes" image, but emerald grass, sapphire sky? I'd like to see more unique, obscure terms for those colors. Trust me, I'm guilty of using the jewel tones in poetry as well -- I think I have an entire poem about amethyst dreams -- but while mine may not be salvageable, I think yours could be.
Now, another problem with this stanza is that it falls away from the synesthetic side of things. Remember, you're going for mixed imagery!
Okay, I like this stanza a bit better. You bring back the mixed images, and it has a nice flow.
Overall, though, the flow just... isn't there. I don't understand how the first stanza connects to the rest of the poem. I'd like to see more uniformity throughout -- carry something through each stanza so it all connects.
It was an interesting read, and a decent try, but I know you're capable of really taking this apart and bringing it back together in a better polished form.
well, you've got some images here (rainbow bleeding, swimming through hazy aqua eyes), but the flow (especially in S1) was off. In fact, it seemed more like borderline lyrical prose then a poem... in the beginning at least.
I'd say work on your rhythm, and you could have some intriguing pieces.
~Ed