Published August 13, 2006
A storm approaches
to strip me of my childhood.
I can feel it like the tension in a room,
before the exchange of angry words.
No longer are there monsters under the bed
--they have moved inside my head,
that is the new battleground
where I will fight my demons.
There are sleepless nights
but for other reasons.
Afraid I will awake to find,
the window open and my youth gone—
stolen during the night.
The sandcastles I delighted in building
are all washed away.
The tide has left and with it all my childish impressions.
I can feel the sand between my toes,
can now touch the river bed
But I am still struggling to keep my head above the water.
It seems the older I grow,
The emptier the glass becomes.
Imaginary friends
have long since dissipated
into the air from which I conjured them.
But the friends that replaced them
Remain as illusory.
Long since have I lost faith in my father’s invincibility,
and my belief that in this world
I could survive on imagination,
circus acts,
and cotton candy.
Displaced hope in a God that doesn’t care how loud I scream,
I will never get what I want
no matter how many times I say “please”.
Sorry no longer cuts it—
no longer mends
The sting of a harsh word.
“Grow up” your parents chastise.
If only they knew how fast you are.
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Monkey,
There are of course many ways to interpret a poem. With regards to your third comment, I rather like the way I phrased this verse, and if you want to interpret it in a vulgar way...that your perogative. What I was aiming at signifying was that it seems you are growing up so quickly that it is almost like going to bed a child and awaking a man. Other than that, I appreciate your input. Cheers,
Cameron
I love the last two lines, they complete the poem well and i think every teenager can relate because there so real, no parent realizes whats going on in there child's life and just how much we know and have experienced and i love how you've shown that in complete realistic simplicity.[/quote]
You should take out gale. Why? 1) It flows better, 2) When you say gale, I think of a very strong wind, but when you say storm, I think of lighting, thunder and rain, 3) I don't want to get all technical on you, but a gale is strong wind ranging from 32 to 63 miles (51 to 102 kilometers) and a storm ranges from 64 to 73 miles (103 to 117 kilometers). Also, there's something about the last line there that just seems...weird. Doesn't seem to fit or make sense.
Two things. The first two lines I've heard numerous times, in mostly songs.
I think you should change the last lines to, 'that is the new battleground/ where I will fight my demons.' Sounds better and doesnt deter the flow and rhythm as much.
Your youth gone, stolen during the night? You should clarify this, really. Someone might think you're talking about your virginity or something.
Anyways, this was a pretty good poem. I enjoyed it, although it got pretty confusing at times. The last stanza is my favorite, and very powerful. Don't change anything about it.
This is wonderful. It was just a bit shaky at the beginning.
Afraid I will awake to find,
the window open and my youth gone—
stolen during the night.
I love these lines.
But the friends that replaced them—
in reality,
Remain as illusory.
The rhythm got a little weird here. Maybe you could just have it read
'But the friends that replaced them
Remain as illusory."
It still makes sense, and flows a bit better.
and my belief that in this world
I could survive on imagination,
circus acts,
and cotton candy.
Lovely image, childlike and bittersweet.
Displaced hope in a God that doesn’t care how loud I scream,
I will never get what I want
no matter how many times I say “please”.
Sorry no longer cuts it—
no longer mends
The sting of a harsh word.
One of the things I like about this poem is that despite the subject matter, it avoids coming off as angsty and misunderstood. Except right here. If you could revise it or even take this part out all together, I think it would help the poem. Especially 'I will never get what I want.'
If only they knew how fast you are.
Great line and a very strong ending.
I liked this a lot. It seems very heartfelt, without becoming too emotional or overwrought. The language is kind of tough, which suits the mood. It makes me think, for some reason, of concrete and breaking glass. Umm... yeah.
Very nice job.
I'm not sure exactly what it is about this poem that makes me like it, but I definitely like it. I can totally relate as I am now a college student and my parents keep telling me to "grow up." Maybe that is what makes it so likable; the fact that most people can relate to being told to grow up when they feel they are already doing so at a speed far too quick for them. That, and the fact that the monsters really did seem to move to my head. Anyways, definitely keep up the good work!