Light Up

Hey,

I really like the use of enjambment in this piece, it is really effective and works well. To build upon that I would try to put some caesura in, as this will give it an edge.

I think what you were trying to convey was really good, and that you did it well.

I think your structure looked weird and made it off putting especially with the elliptical parts. I would try and break it up more, just an opinion.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Purse your lips against old

rolled mary-jane made only--I believe this is supposed to be Mary-Janes, capitalized and plural.

from the best imported

Columbian black,



While you settle back

into the sofa of your body ---makes absolutely no sense to me.

and let the wafting smoke

dance the Apache

in and out of your muddled vision,

dancing in and out of mirages

and misunderstandings



--while you stand up

tall from your high place

and judge the rest of us,

looking down from atop

the bridge of your nose.

...........meanwhile, ---too many dots, I think

the drip drip drip

of the leaky faucet

hammers a tattoo upon

your retreating consciousness.

Biological drips;

...........drip -----again.

steadily into your bloodstream,

constantly jogging your memory

to the fact that underneath

that stratum of macromolecules, ---kind of sciency to be put into a poem like this, but that's just an opinion.

life steadily decreases until

all is extinguished into

blank unsettling nothingness--

where Jesus is still

walking on the water.



You jerk awake and gouge

the sleep hiding in the corners

of your eyes, while you clear

away the smoke that is still

hovering above your head,

but is no longer dancing

but rather brooding

in the corner--

much like you.



I actually really liked this one. It's a very unique perspective on...what is it exactly? sleep? It's very deep, anyway.