It begins in the depths of your core
A rising
A gathering of passion beyond description
Cresting forth in an arch
A tingling in the fingers
That cannot be ignored
It seizes you
Becomes an extension of yourself
Merging into your mind
Until you hear,
Forces you to see
The inky blackness ruptures forth into a symphony of color
As you teeter on the balance between sanity and beyond
Your mouth gapes in wonder at what you see
At all that has eluded you
The underlying elements
…the truth beneath the lie
Your body shakes from the impact of this truth
Sweet climax of the written word
You rise, take your pen and write…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Amice in that while free verse is a perfectly fabulous form of poetry, there still remains the need to separate the piece from prose, to give it that flowing sound that makes it read like a poem. I'm not sure if I can explain how to do that. Its something that just happens- you play with syllables, noises, stops and runs.
There are some very nice words in here. The idea is great, and some of the description as well.
There are a few thing that don't seem right, however:
The passion seems to move from being a flood to a wave. It doesn't really make sense. I suggest changing overflowing to a different adjective- maybe one that fits in the the idea of waves. A "gathering passion," perhaps.
"Integration" isn't powerful enough for your description. It connotes something casual, gradual. Just a thought, but you could continue on in the water idea. "It rolls" or "it crashes" like waves into your mind. Continuing in a constant theme might make your poem more memorable.
The "inky blackness of imagination"? Maybe I just didn't understand the line correctly, but in my opinion, the color of imagination is far from inky.
So, these are only a few ideas. The greatest advice that could be given is to edit. Sometimes it seems impolite to edit a poem, especially if it was written in a flurry of inspiration. But it will take it from a raw thought to a finished, highly readable product.
I applaud the effort! There are several excellent points!
But I felt it lacked rhythm... that comfortable swing. NOT saying it has to be sing-song!
It moved from "ones core" to "you" and "your mind". Let's be consistent, shall we?
"Until you hear" ... what?
"The inky blackness of imagination ruptures into a symphony of color"
Okay, this may just be my stupidity, but if imagination is inky blackness, what's the symphony of color?
There is a LOT there to work with Cameron! It's active and very expressive!