In Your Hands
by Cameron Murray
for *
This ain’t gonna work out . . .
I can already see it now . . .
Go ‘head --- kick me out my own house,
Stab me repeatedly in my heart ‘til it blows out.
Man, the amount of ache on the floor --- oh, wow.
But at least the pain then might die down.
Or maybe it’ll just inflate,
And I’ll be even more in pain,
Feelin’ even more intense aches.
Someone asks, “How you doin’ today?”,
I’ll reply with a smile that’s just so fake,
“Yeah, man, I’m doin’ just great!”
But really, I’d be about to break
Into two pieces, like Michigan state.
Love can just as easily turn into hate.
I say, just leave it up to fate.
Put it on the grill, look at what’s at stake.
Despite the steak, if I lose you, I say I’ll emaciate.
To this pain, I’m nothin’ but a slave.
Help me escape, emancipate
Me. Never mind; no matter what I do,
It just won’t go away.
No, I don’t blame you.
No, I don’t hate you.
But, man, how much I love you,
How much I trust you.
Darlin’, I’d put my life in your hands anyday.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hey, GirlWithATypeWriter here for a review.
First off, I applaud your efforts. Writing rap is not everyone's cup of tea and you have managed it extremely well. Even as I read it, the words in my head sounded like it was being rapped. I was able to listen to the tune and that was amazing.
Now a little bit onto the actual content of the piece.
I like how you haven't used flowery language but managed to deliver with simple words the depth of the poem. The punctuation in the poem is done extremely well and it looks very pleasant to read.
My most favorite lines were:
"No, I don’t blame you.
No, I don’t hate you.
But, man, how much I love you,
How much I trust you."
I really feel the pain in these lines and can relate to it.
I thought that the line "Man, the amount of ache on the floor --- oh, wow." was kind of tacky but I'm honestly just nitpicking at this point.
Overall a great poem and I hope to see more from you.
XOXO
Keep Writing!
I've never reviewed a rap before...I can't help but wonder what beat this uses. Anyway, the verses are powerful and clear enough to express what you're feeling, which a lot of people are actually not good at. The rhymes are smooth, and I really liked the "escape, emancipate," "stake, steak." Lines 3-4 caught my attention the most...I'm sorry you had to go through such an experience. Please keep writing. You're very good. And my apologies for not being a great reviewer...
Hi there CamelGuy! Niteowl here to review.
I'll start off by talking about the work and my interpretation, then getting into more specific comments. We start out with the declarative "This ain't gonna work out...kick me out of my own house", showing that the relationship is over. Then we get into the speaker's pain, which he's hoping will die down but it doesn't. He fakes being okay but is still heartbroken. In the end, he begs the ex to heal him. The ending lines suggest that despite what she put him through, he still loves her and wants her to save him.
As an aside, I would caution against using your real name on here, both for safety reasons and so it doesn't show up on Google when people search for you in the future.
Now, some things I liked. There's some interesting lines like "I'd be about to break into two pieces like Michigan state" (though I'll admit I was confused if you meant the state itself or Michigan State the school lol), and "Put it on the grill, look at what's at stake" and "To this pain, I'm nothing but a slave, Help me escape, emancipate". Overall, I feel like the piece does a good job of showing the various emotions one goes through after a breakup, especially when you still love the person.
My main critique has to do with the flow of the piece. Admittedly, I'm not a big rap fan, but when I read works that are meant to be songs or raps, I read out loud and pay extra attention to the flow and rhythm. There's some lines where I trip up trying to read. For example:
The first line feels a little clunky. I think "stab me in my heart 'til it blows out" would flow better and have more impact. The second line is kind of weird--"ache on the floor" doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But if you change "ache" to "blood", it fits better with the line about being stabbed. Maybe something like "My blood dripping on the floor now".
I might cut these lines, because I don't know if they add much, since you just said you think the pain will inflate.
Overall, I like the way this piece explores emotions and it has some good lines. Keep writing!
I really enjoyed this! Everything was so natural, it flowed right off the tongue.
One thought about the line "feelin' even more intense aches" I feel like this line sounds just a little awkward. Maybe try cutting out the word "even". Just a thought
Overall, you did an amazing job, keep writing amazing stuff!
This is a wonderful poem! I'm rapping the words as I read. Your grammar is excellent, and I love your choice of words. I can feel the narrator's pain at losing his love, and that's a very important quality when writing characters. Great job!
This is a wonderful poem! I'm rapping the words as I read. Your grammar is excellent, and I love your choice of words. I can feel the narrator's pain at losing his love, and that's a very important quality when writing characters. Great job!