I haven't been on this site for awhile, but I'm back again and I updated this poem, since I had written a different version after I posted it. so please critique the new version!
Static, your voice smudges,
sound waves connecting us, quavering
like a rubber band stretched between
two whitened fingers, the pressure will
snap.
Now I realize why I loved you. We both
had the comfort of fitting together
our broken edges, because we had
something in common. My fingers
used to trace the deltas etched on your
face from torents of toxic tears.
And you would wrap your clammy arm
around me, and feel me shivering.
Together, we shared the disease.
"There is no cure." And that one
phrase echos across my tunnel, and
fills up my head till the words
bellow together.
All is quiet.
You were wrong.
So now I wait for the last shred to break,
I'm putting your black and white picture away
in my museum of the past. You'll never cross
the line, it's far too easy to live
in the place where all the sounds
warble and break like shadowy monsters
on the wall.
I haven't been on this site for awhile, but I'm back again and I updated this poem, since I had written a different version after I posted it. so please critique the new version!
I have to shamefacedly echo the reviews of the others as they seem to have outlined the main points of needed improvement.
I felt that in some places the flow was like a square wheel; you know, bang, lift, bang, lift. It was very jumpy and forced in most places and it was like; oh dear. The imagery and word choice weren't too bad and they were consistant throughout the piece which was good because normally someone just has a piece of writing where the first two lines are okay, third is great, fourth okay, fith bad, sixth and seventh great etc. so it was good to see you can handle the whole consistancy thing.
I agree with every single thing Mad said. There you go, haha. Nothing else to say except what he said. =P
I agree with Mad, the one word last line could make the second stanza much better, more forceful.
I really loved the first stanza, very passionate and vivid imagery. The second stanza isn't as great but it still works well.
Is this supposed to represent hearing bad news? That's what it reminded me of.
Keep up the good work,
Alainna
xxxxxx
In the first stanza I really like your choice of words. Things such as static, quavering etc, create a strong picture. Having "Snap" by itself on the last line is really effective, it emphasis the break.
The second stanza paints a clear picture as well, I think that the last line is a bit long. "connection wire" feels out of place. Maybe you could add another one word line like you have in the previous stanza. I think that would work really well.
It flows nicely, is very vivid. An excellent piece of poetry. Could you shed some light on the meaning? I'm sort of getting it but I'm feeling a bit thick today so some enlightenment would be nice 
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