Stream of Conciousness Poetry that I'm trying my hand at. CL
Words On the Wall - I
cast out
cast away
like a broken children’s toy
buried inside
a hole
like a coffin
deep within
secondhand
lost and founds
put away, forgotton
like lost traditions
caged away
like a frightened animal
brainwashed
to the very bone
as if nothing
never relived again
like civilizations lost
to mankind
solitary, lonely
left for the
scavengers
on an african savannah
remembered not
like lost wings
cast out
cast away
just like a broken children’s toy
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there again CL. I had stopped reviewing your poetry for a couple of pages because it all seemed like a bit too much. This one seemed a bit more in control, not bouncing all over the place and relatively shorter. I know you're a big fan of the dramatic imagery, and while it is still apparent in this poem, I think you got to a point of finding a balance? It's nice to see that progression in someone's work, especially when I see just how many poems they've written over such a long period of time. I hope that I get to read more of your improved works but let's just get working on what there is to deal with in this one.
My most major concern here has to be the line length. We've got two sides of the issues and that's the technical bits of the structure, and then the aesthetic part. In this case, I'm betting you were going more for the "look" of how it was arranged, rather than how this placement was going to make the poem sound. The word I'm looking for to describe it is choppy. No one really wants their literary work to sound "choppy" but a lot of poetry going for a specific "look", ends up in that pile. There's no real presence for flow and while I'm mainly going to blame it on the structure, I think the lack of punctuation is also to blame.
It's odd to have to recommend adding punctuation to something, when people are most often recommending to take it out of a poem. Poetry is very tricky when it comes to punctuation but I think you need it here to better connect the ideas. Right now everything is just sort of flopping around. We've got some idea about what's happening but there's no clear link and that honestly bothers me quite a bit. It also rolls back into how the lines are constructued.
Lines with only one or two words, with the occasional three popping out of the bushes, is really starting to bother me. It's also working into the issue with the flow, as i started to explain above and then got a bit sidetracked with the punctuation. I think it would do you well to condense these lines more and group some of those ideas together. Or maybe keep them at these lengths but just turn to stanzas to separate them. I'm wondering if you maybe did have stanzas before because that would make the arrangement more sensible?
The focus here is on this phrase and you do repeat it, which is somewhat interesting to me. It certainly helps to bring the story back and forth and together again, but then it also feels off? Like you forgot where you were going with the topic and then just threw this back onto the pile. I'm not sure what I am supposed to think of this poem when it's relying on the narrator moping about something.
So I think it's a good start for something.
Needs some streamlining.
Happy NaNo.
- lizz
Oh yeah! I get to be the first to reply.
I especially like the repetition of the first lines as the last. That lends a nice sense of completion without exclusion of other thoughts.
Nice imagery.
My biggest complaint: to say that something is buried in a hole is either redundant or nonsensical, depending on how you look at it. Nonsensical: If the hole is filled (in order to bury the object), it is therefore not a hole (empty by definition). Less literally you have the redundancy problem: Where else would it be buried if not a hole.
Sorry. I'm very left-brained today.