a short little writing exercise...
Solo Qui
(Only Here)
The man on your right shoulder bares his wings widely and calls himself your Gabriel (Him), all ethereal and white, basking in the best efforts of kindness. But he doesn’t take too kindly that I’ve taken up residency on your left, and he cacaws at my impudence at what he calls “chutzpah”. But I’m not sure I care. He breathes venom in your ear unlike any snake I’ve seen, quite willing you to eat the apple, he says I’ve stolen from the tree. Still, it doesn’t matter much.
For we’re still here.
Together.
If I was an Eve, much less yours wouldn’t you be an Adam? Thus negating all reason for His presence; still he presses on, determined to fend me off your shoulders and into the dumpster. I’ve seen this dumpster. It’s dusty and dark, filled with murky substances once imaginative sprites, now just pieces of old chalked up cardboard.
I tried once, to pluck the long feathers
emblazoned on his wings, but he snapped and
called me foolish.
Have you ever just felt like smiling? I have.
For no reason at all; it’s a pleasant thing far more pleasant that the one-sided bickering my ears are now prone to. I’m just lucky you only hear Him through concealed reconsideration. But you hear me, I know you do, we sigh together at that’s pleasant (too). I think the innocence is on Him. We are too world wise. For we have been world wise together for such a long time. And Death that’s just an illusion, for I met him last week through your eyes-- he speaks in all caps. Just to me he replied, HELLO. I don’t think you heard him clearly. For I’m not really dead am I, if you are still passionate in me? That would be paradoxical. We were one years before that man on your shoulder showed his face. We were one in thought long before we rowed into the oncoming barrage of seamonkey critics. If there is one thing on which we agree, Gabriel and me, it’s that we are here because of you.
There are no Gods darling only thoughts and wishes.
So keep me alive and think of me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello there! I wanted to stop by and give a review on this interesting styled work. This is probably my second and last review for the night, so I better make it a good one.
So, this is definitely religiously based, in the lieu of the classic discussion concerning demons and angels and the influence God may have on people. That's what I get at first glance. Plus since this is from the view of not the person these ethereal beings are watching over, but actually a devilish person - or perhaps just a high up demon - it brings a nice little twist to the typical good versus evil idea that quite a lot of different stories are somewhat based around.
Continuing on, I really like the play-on-words with that random poetry lines, or that the lines were at least formatted to be like a poem. Especially since this is a story based around religious ideas, it's really interesting to be able to go into someone's brain and what they could be thinking when they're in this kind of situation.
This reads like a stream of consciousness from this devil figure, which I think works well when it's done in a short story or short passage in between more typical narration. As thus, in its current form, Only Here definitely works nicely and gives a good flow between all of the quite large paragraphs and the random lines in the middle of this person's mind.
Overall, I definitely enjoyed reading this even with it a whole 14 years past the publication date. Nicely done.
See ya.