Young Writers Society

OK, I'll begin with part I. I think you've updated it since the others reviewed since I skimmed their posts etc., but forgive me if I repeat anything already mentioned.

"It is almost time for ... The end. The end of the world ... The end of the universe!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.

In my opinion, you need a bit of a touch-up on your sentences here. "It is almost time...for the end" (no capital T, move the periods). I think the periods between "the world" and "the end of the universe" should be replaced by a dash ("The end of the world - the end of the universe!") and again no capital T. It makes it flow better. Also, have you heard of the 'show dont tell' rule? Sure, it doesnt apply to everything, but here I think it works. If I were you, I'd change "Said a loud booming voice" to "boomed a loud voice through the flames that scorched the ceiling". I'd cut off "tavern" (is it meant to be "cavern" like everyone suggests?) and work it in somewhere else, coz this sentence is way too long to begin a story with.

"You!! My children will be the end!"
The voice echoed through the halls of the sacred tombs and rattled the walls.

Yeah, OK, well hold your horses here. This should read, "You, my children, will be the end!". And I'm betting there arent many sacred tombs in taverns....

"At birth I gave you a gift....and untill now you never new what an important role it plays....in your struggle to end the universe." Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine demonic children and stared. "You were born for one reason and one reason only! That is to destroy! Cause havoc , chaos , despair and strike fear in every living thing!"

You need to learn how to use commas! "At birth, I gave you a gift, and until now you have been unaware of its importance to your struggle..." Cut off the 'end of the universe' thingy - dont belittle the intelligence of your reader. Any attentive audience will already have picked up that these children are going to end the world! And a bit of a shuffle with the tenses and 'until now' gives it an air of mystery, or at least suspense- but maybe thats just me. You're over-using the word 'evil', too. Plus, when you say "[the eyes] looked upon their nine demonic children" it doesnt really make sense. I mean, I know what you MEAN it to say, but..."They looked upon the nine demonic children" would be better, I think. "and stared" is redundant - he's already looking! "They looked upon the nine demonic children with a glare to chill the bone" or something. "That is" is unnecessary. It should read; "You were born for one reason, and one reason only - to destroy, to cause havoc, chaos, and despair, and to strike fear into every living thing!"

These nine children were no ordinary children. They were the offspring of the pure evil-hearted being himself.
Their demonic glares stared right back at their fathers eyes. The sound of the flames whiping in the air never allowed the room to fall silent.

Huh. Well. This is gonna be brutal, but...ugh. I'm sorry. No. You need some coherency here. How about; "Nine pairs of identical gleaming eyes met those of their malevolent father with a glare of equal ferocity. They were clearly his children, as dark and evil-hearted as himself, and as their eyes met his the sound of the crackling flames around them leapt to greater volume, filling the cavern with demonic shadows".

"Look around your necks ... each one of you were given a talisman at birth."
The demon children studied their talismans.

Too simplistic. Let it flow! "Those talismans you wear about your necks are your birthright," said the voice. The children studied the gold medallions in silence, seeing them in a new light now that they realized their power. "These are the keys to the end of existence!"

They looked upon them with a whole other aspect now that their father told them of their destiny.
"These are the keys to the end of existance."
The talismans started to glow as the eyes looked upon them.

One of the rules I was taught from an early age was, always - if you can - start each sentence with a different word or combination of words than the one before it, and above all, DONT USE "THE" TOO MUCH! I'd like to see you starting your sentences with more creative words. Dive right in! Describe things, dont just tell us what they are! I want to see adjectives! That last sentence; "As the eyes of their creator looked upon them, the talismans began to glow with a deep, florescent light."

"Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from oneanother."
"But! Only one of you will be the end of existance....The rest of you will end before it occours."
"You will fight! You will kill! Untill there is only one."

This should all be one paragraph. "'Each one of you has been given a different talisman - therefore, each one of you possesses a different power. But only one of you will be the end of all existence; the rest of you will end before it occurs...' The voice paused for a moment, to let this all sink in, then resumed, the echoes of its words filling the chamber like living things; 'You will fight! You will kill! And you will die...until there is only one...'"

I dont mean to be harsh here, though I know I can be pretty brutal when I get stuck in. I would just like to say that for the record, you have potential! Its clear that you can visualize settings and surroundings, although I think you need more practice with your characterization and sentence structure. This has the makings of a unique and potentially involving storyline. I'm looking forward to part II, which I will read (and critique) shortly! Keep writing!

I promise I'll give a more thorough review in a moment. Right now, I just have to scream, and scream loudly.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

OK. There. I've screamed.

I'm sorry, this isnt me being needlessly cruel or sarcastic, honest. Its just, WHY HASNT ANYONE PICKED UP ON THE WORD "BURSTED" ALREADY?!??!!!

[breathes deeply, and calms down]

Please remove "bursted" and replace it with "burst" before I go insane. Thank you.

I admit it. I'm grammar-obsessed. I need help.

You're right, it is very short.

One question: By tavern, did you mean cavern? I suppose a tavern could have sacred tombs, but a cavern would be the more likely setting to me.

Personally, I'd like to see more description. There are sacred tombs, right? Are these tombs just plain stone, or are they covered in ancient runes? And as for the nine children, what do they look like, just basically? Are they human-shaped? Are they child-sized? Are they all exactly identical in appearance? If the room is lit by torches, is it lit brightly or are there long shadows flickering everywhere?

No it's not weird i understad what you meant.

Its OK, some of my critque on part 2 will seem kind of weird

I don't know what i was thinking when i posted the second part here sorry for the confusion.

I'm confused, is the second part up there sopposed to go before part 2 that you posted?
its hard to keep up with stories that you post on the same page.

Thanks for the advice i will get to work right now.

The first part was very good besides the things that people mentioned above. The only other thing I noticed was here you say:

"Look around your necks ... each one of you were given a talisman at birth."

"The nine of you were each given one."

A guard on top of the castle looked down apon them.

"What business do you have here?"
The guard yelled with his hands cuped around his mouth.

"We have a pesant who dose not wear the mark!" Said the soldiers as they grabbed the pesant by the hair so his forehead can be seen by the guard.

"Canthor will be furious!"
Said the soldiers. They kicked the pesant (peasant, you mean) down to the rocky ground and started to beat him with iron rods. The guard scratched his chin and cupped his hands over his mouth to speak again.
"Very well you may enter!" At that moment the guard gave the signal to open the gate. The giant doors started to creek (should be creak) as they slowly opened.

A musty smell enveloped the soldiers and the pesant as they approached a second door.
Another guard approached the pesant and put a cloth bag over his head and tightened it with a thick rope.

"Your face is not worthy to be seen by Canthor." Said the guard with the bag.
The guard oppened the second door wich led to a long hallway full of paintings of one of the demon children ... Canthor.

The painter detailed his ape like features very well with his lush red fur and his glaring red eyes he was truly a terrifying site to behold.
"Lord Canthor we have a pesant (peasant) who dose (does) not wear the mark." Said the soldiers as they approached the giant
throne in wich Canthor was seated.
The soldiers kicked the pesant (peasant) back to the ground.
" What should his punishment be?" The soldier said as he bowed to the ground in the presence of his king.

Canthor let out a big grumble as he looked apon (upon) the pesant (peasant).
"Why did you bother me with this minor problem!?" Canthor asked the soldiers as he looked at them with enraged glaring eyes.
"Well sir you uh ... ordered that any one who dose (does) not wear the mark is to be shunned and ignored by any merchant"
"Exactly ... and did you ignore him? No!"
Canthor's voice rattled the walls as he yelled at the soldier.

"There was no reason for you to bring him to me.He is to be set free. If he dose (does) not wear the mark then he is going through troubled times already and that is the punishement that I indended for them to have."
The soldier removed the bag from the pesant (peasant) and nugded him towards the door.
The soldier took a bow and headed towards the door as well.
"Oh and one more thing." Cantor said with his head rested on his fist.
The soldier turned around to see what cantor wanted. With a twang and the sound of the air being split an an arrow plowed through his armor. With the last few moments of life the soldier had he looked next to canthors throne and saw an archer with a bow still aimed at him. He looked back at canthor
and stared.

"You are going to be seeing my father now and you are going to burn for the rest of eternity." Canthor told him.
The soldier fell to the floor and the loud echo of his armor hitting the ground filled the air. Canthor's talisman still around his neck as it was when he was a child started to glow.
Canthor took a deep breath and sighed.
"I must move on to another world I am not able to grow anymore when I create chaos. I can not get stronger as long as I am here." A soldier ran into the room with panic in his face.
"Lord Canthor sir one of your brothers have arrived ... and he has an army much greater than ours."
" So the war has finally begun" Canthor mumbled as he got up off the throne.
"Prepare for battle!"

Many years have passed since the day the demon children have been told of their destiny. One hundred years to be exact but, the demon children do not grow as fast as any mortal. They are now in their mere thirties but that has not stopped them from covering the worlds around them in darkness. Their father told them they were to fight and the war Is about
occur as their father told them.


Two soldiers approached the enormous iron door of a castle. A guard on top of the castle looked down upon them.
"What business do you have here?" The guard yelled with his hands cuped around his mouth.
"We have a peasant who dose not wear the mark!" Said the soldiers as they grabbed the pesant by the hair so his forehead could be seen by the guard.
"Canthor will be furious!" Said the soldiers.
They kicked the pesant down to the rocky ground and started to beat him with iron rods. The guard scratched his chin and cupped his hands over his mouth to speak again.
"Very well you may enter!" At that moment the guard gave the signal to open the gate. The giant doors started to loudly creak as they slowly opened on their rusty hinges.

A musty smell enveloped the soldiers and the peasant as they approached a second door.
Another guard approached the peasant and put a cloth bag over his head and tightened it with a thick rope.
"Your face is not worthy to be seen by Canthor." Said the guard with the bag.
The guard opened the second door wich led to a long hallway full of paintings of one of the demon children ... Canthor.
The painter detailed his ape-like features very well with his lush red fur and his glaring red eyes he was truly a terrifying site to behold.
"Lord Canthor we have a pesant who dose not wear the mark." Said the soldiers as they approached the giant
throne in wich Canthor was seated.
The soldiers kicked the pesant back to the ground.
"What should his punishment be?" The soldier said as he bowed to the ground in the presence of his king.
Canthor let out a big grumble as he looked upon the pesant.
"Why did you bother me with this minor problem!?" Canthor asked the soldiers as he looked at them with enraged glaring eyes.
"Well sir you uh ... ordered that any one who dose not wear the mark is to be shunned and ignored by any merchant"
"Exactly ... and did you ignore him? No!"
Canthor's voice rattled the walls as he yelled at the soldier.
"There was no reason for you to bring him to me.He is to be set free. If he dose not wear the mark then he is going through troubled times already and that is the punishement that I indended for them to have if you kill him now his suffering will end."
The soldier removed the bag from the pesant and nugded him towards the door
then took a bow and headed towards the door as well.
"Oh and one more thing." Canthor said with his head rested on his fist.
The soldier turned around to see what Canthor wanted. With a twang and the sound of the air being split an an arrow plowed through his armor. With his last few moments of life the soldier looked next to canthors throne and saw an archer with a bow still aimed at him. He looked back at canthor
and stared.

"You are going to be seeing my father now and you are going to burn for the rest of eternity." Canthor told him.
The soldier fell to the floor and the loud echo of his armor hitting the ground filled the air. Canthor's talisman still around his neck as it was when he was a child started to glow.
Canthor took a deep breath and sighed.
"I must move on to another world. I am not able to grow anymore when I create chaos... I can not get stronger as long as I am here." A soldier ran into the room with panic in his face.
"Lord Canthor sir... one of your brothers have arrived ... and he has an army much greater than ours."
" So the war has finally begun" Canthor mumbled as he got up off the throne.
"Prepare for battle!"

Ok I'll remember that.

So true, Griffin. I think you, emotion_less, and hekate got everything. About your use of periods as a rule, you always use one or three.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Also, sure doesn't have an h in it. Also, it seems like you have a run-on sentence, split it up.

Just cause you're not writing stories doesn't mean grammar goes out the window!

Thanks for the advice my writing skills are not that good quite yet but with every body's help here i'm shure it will progress very fast.

Grammar time! Right... so you have some grammar errors/things that just bothered me.

"It is almost time for.....The end.
Only three dots are needed, but this is just one of those things that bothered me. Same goes for all the '...' that you have.

The end of the universe!!"
Again, just bothered me. One exclamation point is fine.

The end of the universe!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.
When someone talks, it's usually:
"Hi!" said Sally.
"Hi," said Sally.
"What's going on?" Sally asked.
There are variations, of course. Sally could have shouted, whispered, etc.
If you follow that rule, your sentence would be:
"...The end of the universe!" said a loud booming voice...
There were some other sentences that were like that also.

"At birth I gave you a gift....and untill now you never new what an important role it plays....in your struggle to end the universe."
This bothered me because there seemed to be excess dots. Instead of dots, you could put in commas. Plus there were some spelling errors... Maybe you could change this to:
"At birth, I gave you a gift, and until now, you never knew what an important role it played in your struggle to end the universe."

"You were born for one reason and one reason only!!!" That is to destroy!!!!
Exclamation points, but also, you ended the quote before your character finished talking. If you have nothing between what is being said in conversation, then don't close the quote!
"You were born for one reason and one reason only! That is to destroy!"

They were the offspring of the pure evil hearted being himself.
evil-hearted
Their demonic glares stared right back at their fathers eyes.
At their father's eyes.

"The nine of you were each given one." "Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from oneanother."
Your character is still talking. Don't start a new quote/end a quote until he/she is finished talking!
"The nine of you were each given one. Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from one another."

Okay, enough about grammar. Your story. It was kind of incoherent. I understand that this is the beginning, but you give the reader new ideas before fully introducing everything. For example, you said 'these nine children,' yet you never mentioned nine children before this. You never even mentioned these children, besides through a brief comment by a character. It seemed like these children were just born, by the way the character talks, yet the brief mentioning of these children's actions imply that they are somewhat grown. The descriptions were part-way done; some things were described while other things were merely said.

All in all... I think you should go back and work on this. It was really confusing, though it was straightforward at the same time.

Welcome. Here is my review.

"It is almost time for...............................The end. The end of the world............The end of the universe!!!!!!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.

"It is almost time for... the end. The end of the world... the end of the universe!" said a loud booming voice. The voice bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.

Cause havoc,Chaos,Despair and strike fear in every living thing!!!!!!!!!"

Yeah thats what I did. Once again thanks very much for the advice.

Thats why I did it, I don't care if you use it. You should try and re-write the second one to like I did the first one.

Thanks for the advice if you don't mind I'm going to use the re-written paragraph you did it's a lot better and easier to read.

TOO MANY DOTS!!! I can see that you wanted a long pause but thats way too many dots in my ohpinion.

Their were a few formating problems in both sections but I'll just use this one as a example since it has the same problems as the other one:

"It is almost time for...............................The end. The end of the world............The end of the universe!!!!!!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern. "You!!" "My children will be the end!!!!!" The voice echoed through the halls of the sacred tombs and rattled the walls. "At birth I gave you a gift.......and untill now you never new what an important role it plays............in your struggle to end the universe." Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine children and stared. "You were born for one reason and one reason only!!!!!!!!!!!" That is to destroy!!!! Cause havoc,Chaos,Despair and strike fear in every living thing!!!!!!!!!"