Young Writers Society

Thanks for the help you guys that is going to improve my story a lot.

Hi. First off, I'm going to say that this is a big step up from the first (official) post. It's more exciting. We still aren't clear on what's going on, but now the first makes a little more sense. I like it.

There are a few things I'll repeat and add. See how many times you use sound in this paragraph:

"What is the meaning of this!" He yelled with frustration. His sensetive <--(spelling?) ears picked up a sound that awnsered (<--typo, careful) all of the questions that was going through his mind.
It was the sound of arrows ripping through the air but other sounds filled his ears as well. It was the sound of flames whiping around that cought his attention.
In a split second a flaming arrow struck him in his shoulder it was nothing more than a splinter to him but this kind of weapon could do massive damage to his army.
Soon after, the unmistakeable roar of battle covered up all of the other sounds of the kingdom. [/i]

Most of these you could replace with more vivid synonyms, like the whistle of arrows, maybe, rather than sound. Toy with it a little.

"Your hearing isn't like it used to be." Said a mysterious voice that came out of nowhere.

Okay. Comma at the end. Said isn't capitalized. The following, unless a proper noun, is never capitalized. Unless it's a separate sentence: ' "Your hearing isn't like it used to be." Canthor turned around, searching for the source of the voice. ' I think there's a forum where you can learn a little about dialogue punctuation. You might want to check into it. It's a common mistake.

I'm not going to repeat what hekategirl and Lilac said, EXCEPT for: "Very well I shant use my invisibility any more" His brother said as a silver ape-like figure appeared right in front of him. (Dialogue punctuation speech repeated here, yes? )There are nine children, correct? Did Argon materialize as a silver ape beside Canthor, or did another of the children of Ultimate Chaos appear in front of him? Because your *chuckle* dialogue punctuation (I seem to be into that, don't I?) suggests the latter. See:

"Agron?" Canthor said stunned in amazement.
"So father gave you the power of invisibility and stealth." <--is it still Canthor speaking?
"Yes canthor ... and my bare hands are all I need to beat you!"

Keep it on the same line if it is.

"Argon?" Canthor said in stunned amazement. "So Father (that should be capitalized) gave you the power of invisibility and stealth."
"Yes Canthor (again, name capitalized. Be careful. I think it's a typo)...and my bare hands are all I need to beat you!"

I'm sure you've got some cool stuff thought out. The pause '...' may be a good opportunity to add some more description so we get full impact. Whee!

Lilac gave a good suggestion. I've had several good teachers tell me that as well. Get a break from it, and then see if you were as clear as you intended.

This is good, Calibur. Don't take offense to my nit-picking. It's what I do.
Very interesting. I'd like to read more.
~Jacquie~

This draws me in more than the first part did. It's got me asking questions. Why are these brothers fighting? Who will win, and what will happen because of it? To me, though, there was some confusion in the word choice.

Example: "Out of nowhere canthor fell to the ground and was being beat."

Something else came from nowhere and knocked him to the ground, am I right? The way the sentence is written, it implies that Canthor appeared from nowhere and fell to the ground. You could change this to something more like, "Suddenly, something pushed Canthor to the ground and started beating him."

Also: "His brother said as a silver ape-like figure appeared right in front of him. "

Does the silver ape-like figure appear in front of Canthor's brother, or in front of Canthor? It's not as clear as it could be. If the figure appears in front of Canthor, you could just replace "him" with "Canthor" and that would make it perfectly clear.

Sometimes, just to make sure things are as clear as I hope for them to be, I'll lay a story aside for three or four days and then come back and reread it. After being away from it for that long, I've usually forgotten exactly what I meant by what I wrote. It helps me clear things up, anway.

I know i'm taking way too long to get to the point but i will get there in my next post and once again thanks for the advice.

You need more backround, for one thing I'm not even sure where they are! its pretty ovious when the battle starts but you need to explain where Cathor is going, you just say he's walking through a door. Maybe say it like this:

Canthor made his departure out a secret door in his castle fitted especially for his size.
He smelled the cool fragrence of the outside air as he set his feet on the soft lawn sitting before his castle. Peasents and soldiers looked up at their towering king. His massive size demanded their respect and fear. His breaths were like thunder and his footsteps were like earthquakes. Canthor turned around looking for his rival brother but he was nowhere in sight.

And you repeat the word 'Sound' WAY to many times in this part here:

"What is the meaning of this!" He yelled with frustration. His sensetive ears picked up a sound that awnsered all of the questions that was going through his mind.
It was the sound of arrows ripping through the air but other sounds filled his ears as well. It was the sound of flames whiping around that cought his attention.
In a split second a flaming arrow struck him in his shoulder it was nothing more than a splinter to him but it could do massive damage to his army.
Soon after, the unmistakeable roar of battle covered up all of the other sounds of the kingdom.

In a split second a flaming arrow struck him in his shoulder it was nothing more than a splinter to him but it could do massive damage to his army.