Published November 22, 2009
A big event plays out,
some instances wind down,
the sunset approaches.
The fleeting speciality of the everyday
meets my gaze.
A soft squirrel runs down a tree,
grass lightly rustles.
Weightlessness ever-present,
only now realized.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Hi there, Calben. I'm Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer for today.
So, I really want to like this poem. It seems as though there is a deeper layer just beneath the surface here, one that would be very good if we could see it.
But, we cannot. I think that you need to describe things a bit more. Not too much, since I think a lot of the magic in this poem is in its brevity. A little bit of description though, should do wonders for this story.
All in all, a good poem, but one that still needs work. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Hmm, I am trying to grasp what you meant by weightless-ness. Do you feel weightless when you're watching squirrels? To me it seems you are describing the appreciation of those things which we take most for granted, but I wonder what weight has anything to do with this? Since that is the title of your poem, perhaps you could change the title to better fit the content of the poem?
Further more, this poem really lacked any emotion. Your imagery is good, I just want more feeling. Make your reader feel how you feel, don't tell them how you feel. Understand?
Hey! I really liked this! The poem may not have a running plot, or a clear-cut moral...but I felt like you were trying to convey a fleeting moment, a certain feeling - in short, a 'slice of life' poem.
I'm the reflective type, so I always pause to appreciate the beauty of simple moments. I get the feeling you do to!
Soph x
hmm...I don't really see the point of this poem. What are you trying to get across? Your imagery is very good, though.