Published January 5, 2013
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,043 Reviews
Hi, Caitlin. Long time no see. I think I remember you a little while back, but you haven't been around in a long time, am I right? Either way, I really encourage you to read works by your fellow poets here and give them some reviews to pay forward the reviews that you get on your own works. Your individual talent and personality means that you're the only one who can give the insight on works that you would!
Aside from that, I think this is what I'd call the skeleton of a poem. It's got your intention in it. It's outlining what you want to say, but it's not exactly bringing that point to light! Do you want the reader to see this tree from a distance? Or be right up next to the wisps of the green beard and the gangly arms? By using "there" in the first line, you set him far, far apart from us. And that kind of works to match the ending, where we've supposedly forgotten him, but it doesn't make sense when you bring us into his world so close: his colors, his birds, the sounds around him. I think you should choose whether we're with the tree, watching people forgetting him from far away, or we're far away and seeing the tree as we've forgotten it.
There's also a lot of explanation in this poem. A lot of direction that I'd rather see in images and evoked emotions through metaphors or similes, rather than, "In time, you forget all about him". That brings nothing out in me. I have no image, no emotion. It's especially bad because you're trying to tell me what to feel / do instead of letting me react to the poem, and that ruins the reality / connection I had with it before. I know you want to follow a narrative, but trying to force feelings onto a reader you're speaking directly to rarely ends well.
If you want to speak to us so directly, you'll have to deflect it a little bit and speak to an imagined listener. Put in a hint that tells us the listener isn't us, so we don't feel so affronted. We'll take on the role of the listener anyway, as long as you don't tell us to. Do you get what I'm saying?
As for specifics in the lines, everything up to "the lonely onlooker" is pretty rich. You have sounds and sights and colors, and you're building the moment, but you let it drop after that. I think the "grandfather" is a good word if you could build it differently than people have before. You know, how earth is always the mother and always the same kind of mother, how time is always the grandfather, always the same kind of grandfather. Spin this tree a different way -- different like the grandpa who smokes cigarettes and plays a trumpet instead of looking like santa and giving little kids candy -- and we'll follow you willingly through the whole piece.
I hope this made sense to you and helped a bit.
PM me or leave me a wall post if you have questions, as I don't receive notifications for replies to my reviews.
Good luck! Push on!
This is a great poem but I would recommend for you to add a some more rhymes and decrease some of the lines so when you put a word to rhyme with another it would be that quick. You should put larger words to.
The concept of this story is great. It's interesting and more than a little compelling.
The word choice threw me off a little bit. There were some un-needed, extremely long words in here, and they mak eyour mind not focus on what the piece is saying.
I also think that you should try make the syllable count more even.
The concept of this story is great. It's interesting and more than a little compelling.
The word choice threw me off a little bit. There were some un-needed, extremely long words in here, and they mak eyour mind not focus on what the piece is saying.
I also think that you should try make the syllable count more even.
Hi Caitlin! I like the idea of this piece, and there's some good imagery here. However, it's weakened by long words that tell more than show. First e.g.
This part feels more like I'm reading an essay about this tree than a poem. Rather than tell us what the tree does, have the narrator react to it. Maybe she traces her fingers in the place she carved her initials or recalls something happy that happened there.
I like the image here, but the first line is longer than it needs to be. I'd cut everything before "soft wisps". Also, "gangly" seems like an odd word choice. It usually implies something skinny that wouldn't be able to hold up a person.
I like the second line, although I am curious as to where this music is coming from.
There, there, there. It's a word you use a lot in this piece but never really define where it is. You could be more specific if you wanted to be, or you could just cut it where you have it in most places. I'd start this line with "He lives".
Secondly, why the dashes. They don't serve any purpose, which means they probably shouldn't be there. Also, I'd split the last line at the comma.
This line seems redundant.
I like the ending.
Overall, there's some good images, but it would be improved by taking away some weaker words and replacing them with stronger descriptions. Good job and keep writing!