Published August 4, 2009
This is a very short piece I wrote. I would like to extend and make it my inspiration for a book but guess I just want to know what you all think about my writing style and such first.
I cannot think one more thought of him. I see his beautiful face in my head, those cobalt eyes staring right through me telling me he will never be back. I can feel my stomach contract, threatening to force its contents up through my esophagus. My hands begin to tremble and I get an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Not just in the matters of love and passion but in life as well. As if he was truly my whole world and without him I am the only being in this whole universe. My mind tells me it will be okay. I will survive the heartache and move on. But my body says otherwise. A flashback of our last kiss sends my stomach reeling; my body breaks out in a cold sweat. I again swallow back the cries that try desperately to escape my lungs. My throat is so sore from this repetitive act and yet I cannot stop, cannot let them break through. Sleep, I think, will help me. Give me some sort of release from this pain, this emptiness. My heart begs for sweet release. But sleep is not possible when he is there, always there. His angelic face seared into the backs of my eyelids. As I see his charming, devilish smile, his sparkling eyes staring up at me through his eyelashes, I feel the butterflies begin to dance. I can no longer take this. I just want to be rid of him once and for all. I just want to rest, to have peace in my heart. Pushing my limp body out of bed I stumble to the medicine cabinet and grab the bottle of sleeping pills. I notice my red swollen eyes and haggard appearance in the mirror as I throw two caplets to the back of my throat and swallow. I continue to stare at my reflection as I wait. It won’t be long now. I run my fingers down my neck to the charm lying on my chest. The charm he gave me… More fucking reminders! I rip the yellow chain from my neck and throw it as far away from me as I can. Still feeling no effect from the pills I grab up the pill bottle and dump the rest into my mouth, every last one. Just as I begin to bite down, I hear his unmistakable voice say my name. Am I dreaming already? Could I possibly imagine his beautiful Scottish accent that perfectly? I hear it yet again, louder. He sounds confused, worried. I feel his hand take mine though I cannot see it. I cannot see anything. Am I dead? I must be, for this cannot be real. He cannot be here with me. It is not possible…
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well before we dive into this one here, I have to start out by saying this could do with a healthy dose of paragraphing here. At the moment it happens to be one big chunk of text here and that does not lend itself particularly well towards being easy to follow here especially given quite how many things seem to be happening all at once here.
Moving more towards the actual piece that we've got here, we do have ourselves a powerful piece here. You do have a really powerful depiction of these emotions here, really showcasing how powerfully its affecting them not just mentally but going so far as to physically cause them to be weaker and in pain.
Its a really powerful image especially when you really go and couple it with that ending and the ambiguity of the potential salvation headed this person's way because you can take it both as a bit of hope and also as this person having reach so far into delirium as to be hallucinating the one thing that probably ending up causing this whole situation in the first place. A very powerful piece indeed.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
this is a really good start! In a few lines you have me hooked, I raelly want to know what happened!
Could I possibly imagine his beautiful Scottish accent that perfectly?
I think this is a really good line, I have an image building in my head already.
Pm me when you post more!
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