z

Young Writers Society


12+

360

by Caiti97


Emerson Thornsworth picked at her nails throughout the unveiling, only stopping every few moments to glance at her brother. The presentation nearly left her snoring, and yet Sebastian leaned forward, his hands on his knees.

On the shining black stage, Phillip Thornsworth droned endlessly. Emma flicked her eyes at her brother once again. She mimed her father’s dramatic gestures.

Her efforts went unnoticed.

“Bas!” She whispered.

He didn't turn, mouthing, “watch.”

Emma crossed her arms and resumed her slouch. She tried not to notice the black suited men blending into the crowd. What good was extra security? Thornsworth Inc had yet to prevent a single attack.

The next could be right here.

“For the price of one pill a week, you can elevate the quality of your life. Never be sick again. Never fear disease.” Michael Harvey had taken over the conversation. He had always been Phillip’s second in command. A genius young man who just gets business. At least, that’s what Phillip claimed. “Enter a new world with Thornsworth Inc. Enter. Elevate. Succeed.”

The crowd applauded, and Bas slapped his hands together so hard his chair rocked.

Emma rolled her eyes. At least there would be an after party.

She took her time to stretch and groaned the stiffness from her limbs before snatching her bag from her body guard. Her father constantly bemoaned the presence of the gray canvas sack at his presentations.

“Why did you bring that thing?” Bas appeared at her shoulder. Despite the roar of the evacuating crowd, his voice rang clear. Emma and Bas had always been so attuned to each other.

Until recently.

Emma held the bag in front of her dress. Itchy. Cream colored. Her mother’s choice. “I need my essentials.”

Bas raised his eyebrows, but as soon as Phillip placed a hand on his son’s shoulder, Bas’s playfulness melted.

Emma slumped.

“That was excellent,” Bas said.

“Thornsworth is excellent. This’ll all be you some day, Sebastian.” The lead Thornsworth panted through his beam. A sheen of sweat glistened against his pale forehead. “At least we weren’t interrupted. Today went well.”

Emma had heard rumors. Thornsworth wasn’t as popular as her father would have hoped. Thornsworth buildings around the world had been subject to hijacking. Theft. Arson. Emma’s foot tapped.

“I’ll never be as good as you, Dad.”

Phillip ruffled Bas’s hair, sending inky strands all over the place. “You will be.”

Harvey hurried to keep up with Phillip, but spared a quick smile for Bas as he passed.

Bas fell into step beside Emma as they made their way to the top floor of the research center. He pushed his hair back into place.

“What’s up with you?” Emma quickened her step to keep pace with him.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re obsessed. Like Dad.”

Bas met her eyes in the way she hated. He looked down on her not just physically, but also morally. Mentally.

Yet his words betrayed a hint of apology. “One of us has to be.”

Emma silently disagreed.

They piled into the elevator roped off for VIPs one trip after their father. Travis was the only other occupant. A blank faced, stony man, Travis always stood as if her were part of the secret service. He rarely spoke. Never smiled. Phillip had hired him under the pretext of needing someone to drive Emma and Bas around when he couldn’t. But Bas and Emma both knew their father paid Travis to protect them.

Not everyone loved Thornsworth as much as Bas.

She and Bas reached for the button at the same time, and their hands brushed. Emma knew he wouldn’t keep her company at the party. Images flashed through her mind. Bas sitting at a table, laughing with two other people. Neither of them her.

She pulled away first.

The doors opened to pulsing music. Emma kicked her heels off under the nearest table and nudged her brother. “Let’s go find the desserts.”

Bas held up a hand. “In a minute.” He started toward a group of neatly dressed reporters huddled around a table. Waiting.

Emma blew her long bangs out of her face. She should have stayed home.


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User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 78
Reviews: 14

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Sun Sep 11, 2016 7:00 am
Wizard wrote a review...



*Appears after several overly dramatic lightning strikes.*

Hello! Wizard here for a review! Man, this one was really cool!

What I liked:

You really flesh out Emma as a character, and not only that but make her relatable, such as in the line: "Emma flicked her eyes at her brother once again. She mimed her father’s dramatic gestures." This is really a great way of subtly and smoothly indicating what kind of person Emma is without shoving it in their face. I feel like I understand Emma without having to analyze her personality. It just comes with a natural flow.

Speaking of being subtle, I love how you blend Emma's mannerisms into the writing. It flows very smoothly, and never feels forced, but these small tidbits such as: "She took her time to stretch and groaned the stiffness from her limbs". These little seemingly irrelevant sentences seriously breath life into your text.

And now it's time for... NITPICKING!

This line: "Despite the roar of the evacuating crowd,". There's nothing inherently wrong with this line, but I would personally use another adverb than evacuating. Evacuating makes it seem like the crowd is running away from something, and are not satisfied with what they heard. Maybe exiting?

Other than that, in general, the character's actions are very detailed, but the scenery sorely lacks detail. I don't even know where the presentation is happening. Indoors? Outdoors? You have mastered putting small bits of detail in the character's wake, but you need to apply this skill to the scenery as well. Having detail of the scenery will make this story pretty much perfect, in my opinion.

Anyways, great work overall! Loved it!

Until next time. -Wizard

*Disappears in a puff of smoke.




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9 Reviews


Points: 903
Reviews: 9

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Wed Jul 06, 2016 8:12 pm
PersonaAlias wrote a review...



Wow, this is really good! You did an awesome job at setting up your characters and their personalities. I only saw a few things to consider revising, and I'm just being super nit-picky.

~~The presentation nearly left her snoring, and yet Sebastian leaned forward, his hands on his knees.~~ I've always been told "and yet" is redundant since both words are conjunctions, although not necessarily wrong. If taking "and" out does not affect the quality of the sentence, then it might be a good idea to go ahead and cut it. Then again, I think it sounds fine the way you used it. I'm just giving you another option.
In the same sentence, I was confused on what you were conveying through Sebastian's actions. I sort of got the impression that he was more interested than Emma, but I wasn't certain until later on. Maybe give one more detail about his attentiveness, like mentioning how his eyes were glued to the stage or something like that. But maybe I am the only one who was confused by that.

Other than those two things I thought your chapter was excellent! Keep it up :)




Caiti97 says...


Thank you! I'll definitely fix that :)



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54 Reviews


Points: 485
Reviews: 54

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Wed Jul 06, 2016 12:40 pm
Desdemona wrote a review...



Very well done. Bravo!

Hello there, Desdemona here to drop a review.

I haven't got much to say. You've done well. Your grammar is impeccable, your plot is nice and sound, your character development is well planned out... I'm dying to see what's next.

Your opening chapter is something you should be proud of. You've revealed just enough to me to keep me interested and engaged. Your imagery, your word choice. On point.

Your grammar? I won't even mention it. Well done. No problems at all with your punctuation etc... Brilliant :)

Anyways, well done.

Keep writing, I'll be back to check on you :)
~Mona




Caiti97 says...


Thank you :)




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel