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The Inch (Rewritten) - Chapter 1

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The Inch

Chapter 1 – The Meeting

Are you here, Mother? I asked in my head, standing alone in the middle of a meadow, in front of her gravestone. I held in my left hand the violin she gave me on my ninth birthday, resting it on my shoulder like she would carry me when I was still a little baby boy. And in the other, I held the bow, and I moved it back and forth upon the strings as gently as she would stroke my dark brown hair.

Golden leaves had fallen on the ground, glowing as bright as the ones that still clung on twigs, radiant like the setting autumn sun. The grass underneath bloomed and blended in – ‘twas a sweet harmony of orange and green.

It was only hours ago when the meadow was filled with people. They stood still, surrounding the gravestone in the middle. Their heads were bowed down in reminiscent despair, and so was mine… and so was my father’s. But his eyes, his eyes now dulled by seven years of loneliness, had streams flowing from them, down to his cheeks. Little were his tears but I knew the anguish in his heart and to me, they seemed like roaring waterfalls.

My eyes could shed not any more than my father’s. After all, they had been together for much longer. His tears trickled down from his face onto the grass, and after each teardrop, he placed a flower upon the gravestone – a red rose, a marigold, a yellow chrysanthemum, a green gladiolus, a blue hydrangea, a blue false indigo, and a violet orchid – from left to right. They were all Mother’s favourite flowers. A rainbow after a drizzle of tears – it seemed like magic how he did it.

Father promised himself he would do it that day, for it had been seven years since Mother passed away. Mother had always loved rainbows. I could remember her hurrying out the house as soon as the rain stopped, looking for a rainbow in the sky, never letting her head down. Whenever she would find one, she would sit down on the grass, on a rock, or on whatever that’d be beneath her at the time, and she would stare for a seemingly infinite number of minutes at the rainbow she found. Her long dark brown hair would fly along with the wind so gracefully that it seemed like it was part of it.

“Heart!” Father would call her as he’d rush after her. “The chicken will get overcooked!”

“Oh, sorry, dear,” she’d reply with a soft voice, and soon stand up to return hastily to the kitchen.

When she would finish cooking, I knew she had poured on the chicken the wondrous flavours of the rainbow as if rainbows had flavours at all. Sweet to sour, ‘violet’ to ‘red’ – the buds of our tongues would dance across the flavours. I could remember when the three of us would put our first spoonfuls in our mouths, chew, swallow, and then—

“Wow! Mother! This is amazing!” I’d exclaim, grinning with my mouth like an inverted rainbow, and the bits of food stuck in my teeth would show. But no one fortunately seemed to notice.

“I knew this’d be amazing again, my Heart,” Father would say to her with a very pleased look, and then give her a furtive smile.

Mother, on the other hand, wouldn’t understand any of our reactions. “What are you two talking about? I always cook like this!”

And then we’d burst out into mirthful laughter.

Mother… I can remember the moon and how we were mesmerized by its glow. I can remember when I was still a little boy, when you’d look out the wide bedroom window with me, staring at the moon. Then you’d sing me a lullaby…

Moon river…” she’d sing, her voice sweet and gentle, “wider than a mile, I’m crossing you in style someday… You dream maker, you heartbreaker, wherever you’re going, I’m going your way…”

—!

I quietly gasped, a slight frown forming in my face. I had stopped playing, and I found my hands trembling for a little bit.

“Darn…” I exclaimed under my breath. I keep on getting lost in my thoughts…

“Forgive me, Mother,” I whispered. “Will I ever finish playing Canon without making a mistake…?”

“You didn’t have a mistake,” said a girl’s cheerful voice from behind.

My eyes were wide in surprise as I turned around at the sound of her voice to see her.

“But you indeed did not finish it,” she continued.

She giggled as I faced her, and then ended up with a consistent smile. Then I looked at her, like a baby would when he’d meet a stranger, eyes shaking constantly, not knowing where to look, but at the same time locked on the stranger’s eyes.

The girl—the… young lady rather—was wearing a sleeveless spring green blouse and a cream white skirt. Her wavy blonde hair flowed like water past her shoulders. Its pale colour glowed like moonlight. Her face and her body were small, but she looked hale. Her eyes were luminous and green, and her skin was fair, smooth and… bright... Almost everything about her seemed to overflow with radiance.

But then her smile faded. She bowed down immediately, holding wide the sides of her skirt. I realized that it was a curtsy.

“I apologize for surprising thee,” she spoke, her head facing downwards. “Please let me bid thee my condolences for thy late beloved mother…”

She stood up again and gave me a timid smile, but gaiety always seemed to emit from those lips. I was surprised by her sudden use of Archaic English, but then I thought that perhaps that was how rich people speak, in formal situations at least. There I was, a mere stable boy in a cheap white polo standing astonished by her very presence.

“I’m Elina,” she said, breaking that awkward moment of silence with the returning cheerfulness in her voice.

She stepped closer, holding out her right hand for me to shake it. But I was too nervous.

“Come on,” she insisted. “Do you not shake hands here in Eaglescliffe?” She grinned out of humour.

I timidly stepped forward, and slowly took her hand. She shook it and smiled.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“Uh…” I stammered. “I…”

“You needn’t look so scared,” she said and giggled. I realized I was trembling and I didn’t know why to be honest, considering I was only meeting someone new… well-spoken, nicely dressed… Isn’t she from the Chancellights’ mansion?

“I’m Haniel,” I said finally, pushing my thoughts aside.

“Well, nice to meet you, Haniel,” she said and curtsied once more. She suddenly looked behind her, startled. I realized someone was calling her.

“Elina! Elina, where are you?” called the man’s voice, a rather undesirable impatience was in his tone.

“I have to go,” said Elina quickly and ran towards the path behind her.

I ran after her but stopped immediately, seeing that she had already found the man calling for her and reached his hand. It’s probably her father…

I turned around, looked back at Elina’s direction, and turned again, my head low and my hands in my pockets. Will I see her again? I asked myself, and headed back to my mother’s gravestone. The wind blew softly as I walked in silence, staring blankly down my path. The violin and bow in my hands were nonexistent.

“Did you see her, mother?” I asked as I stopped in front of the gravestone. “Wow, I never imagined I’d meet someone like her…”

I looked up at the sky and saw the sun beginning to set. “A lovely sunset, isn’t it?” I said.

“Haniel! It’s getting late!” Mother said, at least from my memory. I remembered how I’d disagree and say that it was still early. And I found myself smiling.

“I should probably go home,” I finally whispered. “Farewell, Mother.” Then I slowly turned and walked away, almost dropping the violin in my hand.

Comments & reviews · 4
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GeeLyria
Review

Hello, Nathaniel. It's been five years, and I am very glad to know you haven't given up on your novel. I, as a violinist, can get hooked up with this story easily (as it also happened four years ago). There is something captivating about the delicate tone in which you have written it. I was checking the 2009 draft, and I can notice how you have grown up as a writer, too.

I, being a musician, love how you sort of interrupt the text with the melody... To me, it's lovely, and I can't help but imagine one line of sheet music interrupting the text in a printed copy every now and then. It gives it a nice effect and I know other musicians would appreciate it, too. I love how you are concise and say what you need to share in the chapter without making it sound dull, because that is precisely what makes on stay.

The only thing I would tell you to pay attention to is the slang. You're writing a historical fiction novel in first person, which is why you need to be careful and consistent. I would tell you where it was that modern vocabulary sneaked in (I believe it only happened once), but I got so enrolled in the story I forgot to remember. xD

Either way... Excellent , as always. I look forward to reading the rest. :)

:O :D I thought you wouldn't review! xD Thanks! Well, tell me where the modern word is?

Hey, I just finished editing this chapter. lol :) Not much was changed, I guess. But please check it out. :)

Hi! Sushi here :D I haven't been on this site for a while, so you might not know me. Anyways, I'm going to be as detailed as possible to make up for all the reviews I've been slacking on.

Paragraph 1: Your wording and flow is really awkward here. I know you're trying to use lots of imagery to describe the scene without falling into like, "This was green and that was blue and this was soft and that was rough etc." I totally understand that. However, in trying not to do so the flow becomes really awkward and it's weird to read.

In my left hand was the violin she, my mother, gave me on my ninth birthday, bearing it on my shoulder like she would carry me when I was an infant, if I knew.
This sentence is way too long. Also, you don't need to specify who "she" is because "she" was already specified in the previous sentence. Bearing makes it sound like the violin is a burden, which, they're actually pretty light and it seems like the MC likes this violin so bearing doesn't seem quite right. The "if I knew" part isn't needed. It's confusing, to me at least.

Paragraph 2: I don't understand the bit about the grass blending in. I mean, I get that's it's blending in, but with what? More grass? That wouldn't really be blending in then, would it? Again the wording was slightly awkward. Try reading aloud and you can smooth out some of the bumps.

P3:
But his eyes, his eyes now dulled by seven years of loneliness, had little but heavy streams flowing from them, down to his cheeks.
"had little but heavy streams" is kind of an oxymoron. Little and heavy conflict in meanings, and in this case, they don't contradict in the best of way like jumbo shrimp does.

P4:
I had only one tear, and it was thinner than my father’s.
Just saying, all tears are the same "thickness" if that's what you want to call it. I'd try to describe them differently. And actually, you don't even need to focus all that much on the tears. By working so hard on your imagery you put the plot at a standstill and it stops moving. The little F# and such don't help either. Delete those if you can. Also, who is this "they" when you say "They've been together for seven years". That's something that needs specified. Who's funeral is it? Are they even at a funeral?

I’d exclaimed, my mouth turning into an inverted rainbow afterwards, flashing my teeth.
I'm not sure what paragraph this is, but it doesn't really matter. Let's just say it doesn't make sense. First, "turning" needs to be past tense since the entire thing is a flashback. Also, the entire structure of this sentence is a little off. I'd ask someone a little more educated than I to explain as to how it's off if you need clarification.

Elina: She talks like she's from another time, but she doesn't do this consistently. You need to make the way she talks consistent.

Story: The entire story is a little hard to follow. Like, the mother's dead, so why is he seeing her? Is he really just insane, or is he imagining what she WOULD say? If so you need to clarify that. Also, the purpose of this doesn't really seem all that clear yet. Your plot isn't moving, and if this is to be part of a novel then you need to set up a conflict. Without a conflict there is no novel, so the conflict has to be introduced, or at least suggested, at the beginning. You can't go halfway through a book, wondering why they're going on an adventure or doing whatever they're doing only to find out in the middle. That'd be kinda goofy XD

Anyways, I hope this helped. I have NOT done a review in forever, but if you need any more clarification then feel free to PM me! Obvioiusly, I didn't cover everything, but I did get some.

Sushi :D

Ooh, that colored 'signature' at the end. xD Anyway, thanks for the review. :) I didn't really get to polish anything here. I procrastinated this for years and only got to 'finish' it yesterday, so I didn't touch much of what was already written. But I do agree with the whole plot not moving and everything not being clear (and that sentence you mentioned being too long). But my concern is if you liked what I wrote at all or if it was a complete pain to read. lol

Also, the grass blended in with the golden leaves.

Please tell me if you're getting notifications from my comments to your review, 'cause I prefer referring only to one page than also having to check my inbox, unless it was necessary. xD

Anyway, I don't know if you're not into figurative lines or I just did them terribly, but going back to that 'little but heavy' and the 'thinner than my father's', I believe I wrote them that way intentionally. Perhaps 'thinner' should have been italicized, but I suppose the sentence should be rewritten.

About the notes, I know this was never done (I suppose) in other fiction, but I wanted to convey the music and the story flowing together so I put them there. It is my mistake to assume that everyone can get them eventually, but they look too technical in YWS' font. xD I'm going to replace them with actual notes and hopefully that works. :)

Oh yeah, I got notifs XD Yeah, I liked your work. I think if you expand this more it'll be really good, and procrastination runs my life so I know what you mean by "finish" XD As for the colored ending it takes forever to type so I eventually just copied and pasted it to my notes. You can make one for yourself too :D It's really cool. Yeah, the notes were confusing, but I understand what you mean now. Perhaps if you only put them at the end of the story???

Hey, I just finished editing this chapter. lol :) Not much was changed, I guess. But please check it out. :)

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Mon Nov 17, 2014 4:03 pm

Wow, I'm enjoying this! I especially like the vivid imagery of the colors. It fits really well with her dealing with the loss of her mother. I also like how she's playing her music while thinking about her mother, but she keeps getting distracted - I do that all too often (thankfully I'm not usually thinking about something as sad as my mom dying!).

It also seems like a good start to a story - presumably, Elina is very important, and another strong theme will be Haniel overcoming the death of her mother. If so, you did a great job introducing both at the same time.

Your storyline and characterization is great, but there are some tense and structural issues.

1. The musical notes. It took me a minute to realize what they were, and I'm not sure someone who didn't know much about music would be able to figure it out. Also, while someone with perfect pitch would be able to figure out what the song sounded like from those notes alone, most of us don't have perfect pitch, so it doesn't work very well, if that's what your intention was. (If that wasn't your intention and I'm missing something really obvious, please tell me so I don't look like a complete idiot :P) There are several different ways to convey music through the written word that we could discuss - PM me if you'd like my input on that.
Also, as a matter of interest, am I right in assuming that the number part of the notes refer to the fingering. If so, why are there "5" fingerings? Violins only use four fingers for notes. Unless she's using a different kind of violin?

2. The other main issue is just in that flashback to her mother's cooking. You start out using the conditional tense (he would do this, she would say that - and yes, I had to look that up), but then you change to "When she had finished," which is a different tense altogether. The correct usage would be "When she would finish." You do this a couple more times - just remember to keep the verb (such as finish) in the present tense and add "would" before it. A quick edit should fix it. For example: would finish, would say, would run, etc.

Other than that, this is a great start! You did a really good job of introducing the important stuff right at the beginning, and again, I loved your rainbow imagery, especially in relation to the food.

Thank you. :) I wish I can edit this to clarify things soon enough. Anyway, the numbers in the notes are for which octave the notes are in, and Haniel is a boy. xD Dang, I really need to edit this.

Oh, okay, the notes make a lot more sense now. And this is actually pretty good since you wrote most of it years ago.

Hey, I just finished editing this chapter. lol :) Not much was changed, I guess. But please check it out. :)

Wow, I actually really like this like that! He's playing Pachabell's Canon, right? I love being able to hear the song in my head as I read. This is really cool for all music lovers. I love your imagery so much. It's so wonderfully vivid.

And yes, he's playing Pachelbel's Canon in D. :)

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Caerulean
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Finally posted a story/chapter since forever! I started writing this like years ago and I just finished this today. lol I'm not entirely sure if I'm satisfied with it. Also, I wonder if it's too long or too short.



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