RIP

I thought this had no emotion, and didn't flow AT ALL!!!!!



to think of this happening you should AT LEAST mention how your friend reacted and maybe even the cat. I think if something started happening the cat would make a lot of noise, not just sit there. And you as the writer, it sounds like you have no emotion in this whole thing.



- HelpSOS

Genius. Simple but genius. The last stanza was my favorite because of the word selection, yes they went perfect. Overall, I had nothing to say but...brilliant!

Liked: "Like a lonely rider on a ferris wheel" the highlight of my interest.

And your curiosity of his death; clever!

This is one of those poems that clutches me deep in the chest and holds me and doesn't let me slip out until at last... I'm done reading, and I fall.

Amazing, Colly. You will forever surpass me in poetry... perhaps I can grovel at your feet for a while and you can help me?

I loved these lines:

"like a lonely rider on a Ferris wheel" - beautiful, so... wrong. Ferris wheels should be fun.

"falling, revolving, falling." - this made the ending so, so powerful.

I'm really in awe, but I don't want to read it again, because it clutched me in a scary way. It's horrifying and sad and powerful... Good job, Colly.

this was pretty good! I only suggest that you use a bit more emotion in this. In my opinion, it seems a bit like you didn't really FEEL this when you were writing this. If you were, I'm sorry, it just didnt come out too well.
But anyways, just add a bit more and this could be great!

Colleen,


This isn't working for me at all. The attempt to draw parallels between the loss of feline innocence and human loneliness falls flat and leaves the reader with nothing. The problem is really that every strophe is laden with unnecessary sentences and clarifications--so much so, in fact, that it becomes rather difficult to distinguish what your purpose is with this piece from all the rubble. Then you should move on to the question of what your actual words are--some of them are redundant and unfortunately weak--and what to do about them.

If you want to do anything with this, toss out the second and third strophe as step 1. Cut everything in the first that doesn't need to be there as step 2.

If it was mine, I'd probably toss the whole thing.


Best,
Brad

MY interpretation of the meaning is there, someone who's potential world is ruined by the carelessnes of someone else, and as for the guy who is intrigued by how the cat died, it makes me feel as nobody really gives two... (about the victim)

As far as poetry goes it read more like prose as someone above said. The rhythm was ish (my colloquial word for OK, wasn't spectacular). Emotion- non existant but that could be to do with the topic although, you could still make it emotive with pauses etc.

There were no words that really made me feel anything to be honest.

Tone- Dark, depressing, boring (Sorry but that's just my opinion liven it up with emotive words! OR maybe add some contrast with a happy emotion for the cat or whatever the "Never to chase a mouse" stuff isn't so great if your going to say that you did. Happy emotions can be brought in by talking about the sun on it's back or being free etc.)

Now I might be talking absolute crap, but that's a so far GCSE-Grade B's impression of it. (Just had to bring my GCSE mark up which I'm very disappointed about - Even Alainna got a Bsomething must be wrong. I blame the teacher) Anyways not to get off-track. And don't take my opinion to seriously, the poem has a great foundation in terms of the cat, it just needs some tweaking.

I thought that the last stanza was a little random. I mean, yes, cats do these things, but reading it, it just seemed like words to fill up space. Not as strong as it could be.

What I like most about this is the conversational tone, especially in the first stanza where it goes for a while without a period. The following stanzas, however, didn't so much have this aspect: the sentences were shorter and the thoughts stop instead of running into each other like the first stanza. In that way, it seems more like prose and a bit disconnected.

Wow, this was sad.... But overall very good. Maybe you could make it longer? I don't know just a suggestion. Maybe you could make it a little more interesting was the kitten curious? Was there alot of clothes to were the mother didn't see the kitten. I don't know yet but.... good luck keep writing.

As always -Max

i don't know.... i thought it read like a good Heaney poem

the flow is obtained by the way it is written. and i believe the author meant this. its written in the motion of a dryer, or so it seems, the phrases tumble into each other giving it rhythm but keeping it disjointed enough to keep the readers attention. of course its a poem! and quite a good one at that.

wonderful job

Wow!

Now, to tell you the truth, it isn't a poem. It's more like a narrative in a poem form, not a poem in a narrative form. It seems like you tried to put the story into a poem.

I liked it. My main suggestion is to include more poetic devices, more obscurity, more detail and emotion. I love the last part, the "falling,___falling" thing.

How did you think of this? It was VERY intelligent and interesting.

EDIT:
Oh, and the title is TERRIBLE. Change it to something else. Maybe "The Drying Machine"? "The Dead Kitten"? "Motion"?

The language could be stronger, more emotive.
And I don't think you used the ending to its full potential.

And to be completely honest, it read a bit like prose.

But still; intriguing and fresh. Sorry this crit isn't more helpful, but I'll be watching for a revise

*laughs* yuck!

this is great!

disgusting, but great!

*curious* did this happen to a "friend of a friend"?

the beginning sucked me in immediately, and the rest was just as good!

well done!

jai