Published December 29, 2008
As if one day a younger
me was walking on the beach and,
bending down to pick up a
water-smooth rock, did not feel
herself lose me, feel me slipping out of her
own pocket, falling neatly and silently
into the spaces between
the grains of sand.
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Canary word: Present
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
For lyric poetry, I reccomend a little more descriptive language.
There are too many "feel"s. Yes, you are emphasising, but no, that doesn't cover it.
I like the metaphor of the old self falling into the place where the rock was. Definitely my favourite idea in the poem.
I can tell that you are attempting to create a very powerful poem with simple words, but there is a fine line between simple and boring. "Walking", for example. There are hundreds of words you could use instead, and believe it or not, these can make the poem more gripping.
Overall, a nice little poem. A few tweaks can turn it into a memorable piece. Keep writing!
Hello there!
Hmm, I think this has the potential to be something greater. It just seems like you have one huge sentence that's simply a statement. Throw in some colorful words and make it flow.
For example:
This isn't lyric poetry, it's more like narrative poetry but it's the only thing I can think of as an example right now.
Do you see the difference? Take advantage of words and make it more bright, is the only advice that I can give.
Good luck and keep writing,
~Angel
I'm annoyed by the (purposeful?) omission of "It is" at the start. Beginning with "as if," if chosen, sounds like the narrator is doubtful it actually happened. I'm not sure whether you want to propose this idea as definitive or with an element of doubt.
This feels like a stanza stolen from a poem, and put here out of its home. I like the concept but think this is isolated and too solitary on its own, without a preceding, or following, stanza. As it is, though, I like it. I'm a great fan of poetry about identity, but I think you could have been more ambitious.
Some other ideas:
1. You use "feel" twice in quick succession. Changing one might spice it up a little.
2. The verbs aren't the most exciting -- walking, bending, slipping, falling.
3. I really like your line breaks. It's refreshing to see a poet on these boards that can control the flow of their poem well and guide the reader through the lines.
Thanks!
Hello Cade!
I know our poetry styles clash, so this review might simply be a cranky style rant from me, but I'll give it anyway because it might be of some use.
For me, I feel like this poem goes no where. Once you strip away all the asides, you're left with:
As if one day a younger me was walking on the beach and did not feel herself lose me.
In my opinion, that doesn't go anywhere. It needs some sort of thump, a conclusion, an ending. It starts up and drops, which leaves me unsatisfied and perplexed.
I understand it. Picking up the rock representing picking up a new self, the old self falling out, and I can see how the lack of going anywhere could reflect the lack of self going anywhere, but it bugs me too much for me to accept it simply as a poetic device. I want it to go somewhere, I want it to say something, and I want it to affect me. But it doesn't.
Again I think this is our difference of style. ^^ Oh well! Best of luck.