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140,194 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
This was very very good more like excellent. I think you should keep writing poems because this one is fabulous.
Thanks
Hi CactusGirl! Looks like you're still pretty new-ish to YWS so welcome! And this is your first poem posted, so congrats on exploring this wonderful world!
Now, I think there's a good message in here about people limiting their worldview and suffering for it. However, the way it's presented could be more interesting. What does the speaker see? What does he/she not see? Do other senses come into play? There's more potential for the reader to feel what the speaker's going through, and how his/her life suffers because of it. Some more imagery would really make this piece stand out.
Lastly, the formatting seems to have glitched. This happens a lot and I don't know why. You should be able to edit your work and fix the line breaks. Also, I second the previous comment about punctuation.
There's some cool ideas in this piece, but I think it could be beefed up to have a greater impact on the reader. Good job and keep writing!
Thanks! I keep going back to try to change the format and it just doesn't like me.
Thanks! I keep going back to try to change the format and it just doesn't like me.
Hey!
So first off, the title is very vague and drew me in through curiosity. It's a simple title that could mean anything really. After reading the poem, there isn't much wrong with it. I like it; it's raw and deep, and very relatable. The only things, which I'm sure you didn't do on purpose, are the missing punctuations. There are no periods, but there are capital letters. This is very hard on the eyes, and I have to spend more time focusing on where the sentence starts, rather than what the sentence means.
As I said before, it was a great poem; good message, good mood and tone. Just make sure those punctuations are in there next time!