Published April 8, 2012
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Hi, Star!
I like what you have here. The song explains the situation/story very well, so the reader isn't left confused after they read it (or listener after they hear it). The simplicity of it is nice, handling the flow of the song very well. It read smoothly. I wish I could hear it with music!
The rhythm is very good here, too. I'm proud of your rhythm and smoothness here!
My only concern is that it sounds repetitious. The beginning of the song (the first verse definitely, kind of the second verse too) sounds a lot like the chorus. So there really isn't much more to the song than what's said here. I don't know if there's maybe other ways of saying what is said here or if you just need more depth/explanation to the message. It was hard to keep interest as I read it. I had to reread each section because I felt deja vu every time I read it once, lol. Food for thought. Make it a little more interesting. The music will be your awesome support for that, too.
I really like how you ended the song, though. Not only did it tie with the beginning, but it also ended smoothly with its own unique thought that leaves the reader/listener in thought. Well done!
The last verse, the long one, sounds like it's the bridge, but it has more meat -- more interesting things -- in it than the verses. Take a look at whwat you said there and try to reflect it in the verse or introduce new ideas like you did in that stanza. It'll help add some depth to your song!
Well done, though. A little tweaking should clean this up in no time.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks so much for the review! it really helped!
This is pretty awesome. I love how you managed to make it sound simple and clear, but so full of feeling. I also think that this would make a very interesting short story, and I think you should write it, and then let me know. I'm running out of reviewingness, sorry I couldn't give you more, but I just wanted to say that I like this, it flows well and has good rhythm and I like the stanza breaks and all that.
Thank you for your review it means alot and maybe i will write a short story to go with it, i really like that idea XD
I absolutely love this and If you don't mid Id like to add this to my favorites.... Don't worry Ill put it under your name
but I really like this because I can relate to this its like you just took all the words right out of my mouth.... keep up the writing you are a great poet... dont be afraid to stop by and read my poems and leave me your review...
Hoping your having a very good Easter Day !
--Lashea <3
Thank you so much for your kind review! It gives me more confidence and i would love to get round to reading some of yours too!
I'm glad you can relate