Published January 29, 2012
I was brought back to reality as I heard the car horn blow.
'What the hell is going on?' I thought to myself as stopped singing songs in my head. I suddenly realised what was happening as I turned my attention to the front of the car. He was heading straight for us. My heart was in my mouth. I couldn't move, I was frozen as the red car was heading towards us at a ridiculous speed. He had swerved out from the car in front of him, 'is he going to hit us?' This was all I could think of in those few seconds; knowing my mum and sister were thinking the same. The driver swerved back momentarily but only missing us by a meter or so.
I didnt know what to do. My mum was cussing, braking and hitting the horn as hard as she could, while my sister was in total shock. "Are you okay?" I could only hear her faintly as I was still processing the information that i could have ended up in hospital. "Yeah, I'm fine". It was a small lie. We were all okay apart from the initial shock, thinking it could have been a our last day. It was a close call.
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this sounds like what happened today with the cussing mom and stuff like that.i love that phrase "i was blown back to reality when the car horn blow" however it should have been blew.i have never been one for short stories but this is still pretty good.
Okay, this is really short.
First thing's first, you've skipped a very crucial part of a story. We have a beginning, middle, an end. Here, you've jumped right to the middle. We need some back story or it just isn't interesting. You need to establish who's in the car much earlier. Where are they going? What are the road conditions like? Set the mood before you fling us right into the action.
"I thought to myself as stopped singing songs in my head"
You've missed something in that sentence.
Have you received any advice on how to write action and suspense? To make something fast paced, the best course of action is to shorten the sentences. The longer the sentence, the more it drags on, which is fine for description prose, but for action it needs to be bam. bam. bam. Do you understand?
For instance "The driver came at us head on. I couldn't tear my eyes away. My sister was screaming in the back seat." et cetera. It reads better for what you're trying to do.
The ending's a bit messy, but I can't give any clear cut advice as to how to improve it, so I'll just mention this casually here. I expect once you tidy the rest of it up, the ending will come neater.
It's good for a draft, and I love what you're trying to do, but it's very raw. It can definitely be improved.
Thanks for the help. It was a rough one shot but i will keep all your advice in mind. Thanks alot!