January 9, 2010
"I'm sorry", the words he spoke just keep ringing in my ears. The insistent echo, slowly driving me insane, slowly bringing me closer and closer to the edge, where eventually, if I'm lucky, I will just fall off. The only thing keeping me going is the hope that some day he will take me back, the hope that he realizes that I am the thing that gets him out of bed every morning, the hope that I mean as much to him as he does to me. My other hope, I'm dreaming, but I keep pinching myself and the sweet release of waking up never comes.
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello there! I thought I would leave a short review on this even though this is very old, as I'm filling out The Ultimate RevMo Checklist Challenge 2020. However, this is a short piece, so my review might be shorter as well.
to give both an emphasis on the two words, as well as allow for a smoother transition of going from the words to the speaker. To me, this almost reads as a bit of a poetical paragraph as well, with how the long sentences and many commas seem to flow.This is a very concise short story -- I would definitely say this hits the standard for "flash fiction" because there are not too many words even mentioned in this. Since this is short, I would suggest more precise wordings, and slight grammatical changes, such as putting "I'm sorry" in a separate line as in
I really like this. I think a few tweaks including "drive" and "bring" instead of "driving" and "bringing" as well as adding "My other hope [is that] ..." would help make this a bit smoother to read. Besides that, I think the sentiment rings true, and I think your use of a short scene really brings to life relatable things for plenty of different people. Nicely done!
I love it. It seems like a really great start. I can actually feel the heartbreak in this. I'd like to read what happened.(:
Very nice.
I thoroughly enjoyed this little bit you did. See? Size doesn't matter.
I'm not sure what I cannot criticise here, but this is a very good start if it is a start or whatever it is. You really succeeded at capturing the character's emotions in what I am lead to believe is a break up.
Over all, like I said before, very nice
Love it!!!!