z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hide and Seek

by CHICKENCURRY


Dim lights, flickering candles and calming music create a peaceful atmosphere. Lavender scents ease the nerves of the young, blooming couple. Emily’s smile is like a ray of sunshine painted on her face, gazing into Jake`s stormy blue eyes like crashing waves. Flawlessly, her dress drapes past her toes, lightly drifting from her legs, moulding her torso so perfectly. Its rich champagne colour bringing out her hazel eyes, glistening in the lights. Her heart pulsating a thousand times per second as she gazes at his hand brushing through her sun kissed blonde hair, like the first time they met. Flushing, his chiselled cheeks were like a finely carved statue which complimented his captivating smile. His lips, slightly full, the kind that end in a cute little smirk at the corners.

He never wanted this to end. But everything has an end.

The lights abruptly turn off, the room is dark. Fear is pumping through their minds as they imagine what could be lurking in the corner unseen. The pitch darkness threatens to envelop them. Struggling against themselves in the room, trying to not be consumed by the darkness, nor by what was surrounding them.

Screaming till her voice was hoarse, an unidentifiable breeze crept past her. Tightly closing her eyes, voices fill the room, she looks up with tears streaming down her face. Her eyes twitching as they began to feel heavy, darkness completely taking over the room, warm, thick blood dripping down her pale face.

Suddenly a piercing scream cuts through the air like a knife through flesh. Breathing, she quickly turns around, unable to scream, words start to form, a cry for help, a cry for anything. Her mouth opens. Nothing coming out except a small breath, barely making a sound. Running around the room, her breaths become faster and heavier. Emily’s eyes widen with fear. Crawling into a corner, she backs up onto the cold wooden floor, afraid to blink. Fear takes over all her thoughts and emotions. Jumping to her feet as a sudden shock floods through her body, turning to see that she was only inches away from, stumbling into the abysmal emptiness that was growing, eating away at the room around her. Not able to pull her eyes away from it, the hypnotizing dark and droning sound calling her.

Turning to look next to her, her eyes started to water under the intensity of the light. The light indulging her. Emily’s eyes shot open, only to find herself staring at a white room, bright lights blinding her. She claws her way to wakefulness, trembling and sweating as if after a great exertion. Paralysed she realises the traumatising nightmare she had awoken from.

(EDITED)


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118 Reviews


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Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:31 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a really well-written story! I love all the similies, imagery and sentence structure. You described everything in a lot of detail, making me feel like I was actually in that scene. It's the kind of story that typically ends with the line "It it was all a dream", but you write it so well that I think that part can be easily looked over! So, well done!

One major error that I saw... and I dont thing was mentioned by the earlier reviews... is the tense. I noticed that you keep jumping from past to present tense, and So, you need to be careful of this. I think in tbe first paragraph, you stayed consistent with present tense, so you should keep it that way for the rest of the story. The only line that you can keep as past tense is "He never wanted it to end" in the first paragraph. This sounds like a memory, so the tense for this is properly done.

Anyway, that's all I noticed, apart from the errors that were already commented on. Just be careful of this small detail when writing future stories. Overall, really nicely written piece, and I hope to read more from your work!

Keep Writing :)




CHICKENCURRY says...


thankyou!!! i decided to edit it



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Thu Apr 18, 2019 7:43 pm
itsCate wrote a review...



Heyyyyy~Cate here to give a review.



Soooo..............I hate scary stuff cause I am a baby. But this was good, well written and suspenseful. I think that if I were Emily I would have passed out and died or something. She was braver than I could have ever been. I really enjoyed this good job!


Keep Writing!

~CATE~




CHICKENCURRY says...


thankyou!!! love your profile picture !



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Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:23 pm
Lib wrote a review...



Hey @CHICKENCURRY!!

(Speaking of chicken curry. I am starving right now.)

Hope you are doing well today, depending on which side of the world you are on. Ièm here to give you a review! Lets get straight to it now.

May I just start by saying WOW! This is so good! I totally love the way you described everything. It was like I could picture it like a movie! This is too good. And, the other awesome part is, that, you started from such a calm beginning to a scary middle to a funny ending. (It was funny to me.) Anyways, I saw a few mistakes that I would like to point out.

MISTAKES:

1.

Emily’s smile was like a ray of sunshine painted on her face, gazing into Jakes stormy blue eyes like crashing waves. Her dress fit her flawlessly, moulding her torso perfectly as it draped past her toes, slightly drifting from her legs. Its rich Champaign colour brought out her hazel eyes, glistening in the lights. His pink flushed cheeks compliment his captivating smile, his cheeks are chiselled like a finely-carved statue.


So as you can see up there, there are a few words in bold that you mis-spelt.

Jakes needs to be Jake's.
Champaign needs to be champagne.
Chiselled needs to be chiseled.
That is it for this part! Onto the next part:

She clawed her way to wakefulness, trembling and sweating as if after a great exertion as she found herself paralyzed and unable to move realising the traumatising nightmare she had awoken from.


Again, the words in bold are mis-spelt.

Realising needs to be realizing, and traumatising needs to be traumatizing. That is it for today! Again, I really enjoyed reading this story. I hope to see more of your work around YWS. Oh! I just realized you just joined. Welcome to YWS. If you need anyhelp navigating the site, then feel free to ask me any questions on my wall (@Liberty500). Or give me a PM. :)

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




CHICKENCURRY says...


Thankyou for the help and you are completely right!!! But i study the British language thats why some words are spelt with an `s` instead of a `z`. But thankyou very much from the feedback and i have just finished editing it !



Lib says...


Oh... That makes sense. I should keep that in mind next time. Thanks. Your welcome!



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Thu Mar 07, 2019 1:57 pm
mechasvi969 wrote a review...



hi CHICKENCURRY, I just wanted to point out few things about your short story. I loved the end of the story where you beautifully described the reality of her fear but at some instances while reading the story I felt like completely loosing the sense of tense. For instance, in first line you started with the description in present sense but immediately in the next sentence you changed the direction of narrative to past tense. So this kind of transitions between different tenses made it somewhat difficult for me to keep the track.
in second line,'gazing into Jakes stormy blue eyes like crashing waves.' I was not able to trace the meaning of the word "jakes". Although the line was beautifully designed,I couldn't it with rest of the sentence. Also in fifth line,'through his sun' I feel that according to the meaning of the sentence 'his' should be changed into 'her'. In 'trying to not be consumed by the darkness,' I personally feel that ' trying not to get consumed ' may be a better option. In 'She screamed till her voice was hoarse' was can be replaced by turned to have better impact. Again in 'her eyes started to water under the intensity of the light.' under can be effectively substituted by 'due to' . Ignoring some of the grammatical errors the story was beautiful. If you work more on the last section of story with respect to the elaboration of certain things that will add more essence to the story.
I hope the suggestions are useful for your present and future writing . If I am wrong at any point then please correct me. best luck for your future works.





The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb