Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
“I hear that. Do you hear that?”
My brother’s voice trembled as he spoke. We’d been sitting in our room for hours trying to ignore it.
Blup. Blup. Bluhbluhblup.
We heard, followed by.
Gasp!
My brother got out of bed. “Did you hear it?” he asked again, coming to crawl in bed with me.
He clung to me, needily as though I could protect him from whatever it was in the next room.
Blub. Blub. Bluhbluhblup…. Gasp!
“Yes, I hear it. Wait here. I need to see what it is.”
My brother tightened his grip on me. “No, don’t go. What if it’s a monster? Mommy says that monsters get boys and girls that get out of bed in the middle of the night.”
I gave a small smile.
Blup. Blub. Bluhbluhbluhbluhblup…. Gasp!
“Don’t worry. You stay tight under the covers where the monsters won’t get you, and I… I’ll…” I looked around the room for something that might ease my brother’s worries. I picked up a baseball bat lying on the floor, “I’ll use this if they try to get me!”
“O-ok…” he whimpered, hiding underneath my cover.
Blup. Blub. Blup. Blub. Bluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluuuuuuuuuuh….
I crept outside the bedroom door, being careful to shut it behind me quietly, as to not disturb any monsters that might be hiding in the shadows. I tiptoed towards the next room where the sounds were getting louder and faster.
Bluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluh.
I cracked the door open slowly, just as the sounds intensified.
Bluh, sploosh, bluhbluhbluh, sploosh, bluhbluhbluh..
I was now in the room. Water crashed over the bathtub, briefly before the sounds started slowing down. I bit my lip wondering if the monster had heard me come in.
Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh…. bluhbluhblup.
They stopped as I came close to the tub, readying my bat to hit the monster. I looked inside, and I banged the wall connecting to my brother’s room.
“Travis! Travis! Get the phone! Call 911! Mom… Mommy… the monster in the tub ate Mommy!”
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey there! I clicked on this because I saw it under the horror category - gotta love a scary story xD .. and the title and description really caught my attention
. First of all, I'd like to say that I really admire how this is written. It was short and sweet, and brief but still gave us the right amount of information to understand what was occurring. Moreover, I love your repetition of the onomatopoeia bluhhhhhh. And how it almost picked up speed as the plot was climaxing.
. If you wanna keep the baseball bat then fair enough , but at least give a little explanation as to why it's there.
) but if I literally don't have a clue what the monster looks like then I can't picture this scenario very quickly. The same applies in regards to the mum's death. That is sorta brushed over very quickly. I feel as if the whole build up to this moment was excellent but the actually ending was a little less than what I was hoping.. Therefore, use more description, how they were feeling, what the scene looked like etc. Give us a better picture 
However, there are a few criticisms I have with this short story. Firstly, it was kinda annoyingly convenient how the baseball bat was by their bed. Why is that there? I don't know about you but most people I know don't actually keep one next to their bed
Also - the ending. You base your story on a monster.. the girl sees it in the bathtub and yet the reader has literally no idea what the monster looks like. No offence, (only trying to help
Overall, I feel that this story plot line has potential but there are a few improvements to be made - hope I could help
Woah ~ this took a bit of a turn that I was not expecting! I did like reading it though, and it certainly keep me interested the entire time. I think you did a great job with the sound effects that the monster was making, and I think the way you did it was imaginable. I could also feel the suspense growing as I kept reading, until it of course finally erupted into the sister's discovery at the end. Additionally. I like how you left out enough details to let the reader imagine or fill in the gaps the rest of the way, but put in enough to make the situation at hand somewhat reasonable and believable. I believe that you set the scene enough to allow the imagination of your readers to fill in the rest of the gaps. As far as corrections or anything like that, I did not see anything in need of a correction, and no grammatical errors when I read through this passage.
So, I would say good job creating a suspenseful, short and sweet story that I enjoyed reading very much.
Thank you so much. This was just a little prompt story I did one day, and it turned out to be one of my favorite prompt stories I've ever done.
Wow! DamienCyfer here for a review! So... this short little story does an excellent job of capturing the fear children feel when they hear things not meant to be there, things that could be stalking them in the safety of their own home. And then the sister (I assume it being a sister due to the way the boy said 'Mommy says that monsters get boys and girls') tries to reassure him.
The way you didn't described things that didn't need description helped the tone. It seemed you were going for the suspense rather than the detail, and that was highly appropriate. I still get a feel for the monster as being a blob, without description! And that is a good thing in my opinion.
And the final part, '“Travis! Travis! Get the phone! Call 911! Mom… Mommy… the monster in the tub ate Mommy!”', is an adequate way to tie up a lot of suspense into... even more.
The ending has left me with three conclusions. One, that a blob monster has in fact eaten Mommy and that the blob stopped because it heard her. Two, that it was that Mommy had committed suicide, the children mistaking the blubbing of water for a monster, and not understanding what happened, which is not likely due to the blubbing stopping; And three, that the monster was not in fact a blob, but some other monster due to the way that the Blubbing stopped, and that the creature ate the Mommy when she went to have a bath. Eww...
Overall, the way you had enough description to guide the reader, yet little enough for them to imagine things, it blended quite well. I got the image of a brave teenager girl with an American accent ('mommy' rather than 'mummy') holding a baseball bat. So, I strongly would most definitely say that I rather quite enjoyed reading this text.
I'll leave the conclusion up to you to decide, dear reader. Thank you for such a detailed review.