How are you? They asked over and over. My answer? It’s always been, “I’m fine, Thanks. Thanks a lot.” Because of course that’s what they want to hear.
If I was being truthful, I would say
“I feel like I’m falling into a dark hole. I would tell them that the light is fading away as I slip into blackness. That I’m not sure when it will end but I hope it’s soon. And that I might not make it to the bottom of the pit. But most importantly I would tell them not to get too attached to the idea of me.”
But when you actually tell someone that, they act like they never even heard you. They sometimes laugh even, thinking it’s some sort of joke. Only believing what they want to believe.
So I stick to what works, a lie. I wasn’t always like this.
Like most, as a young girl I knew nothing of death or misery. As a young girl I knew of flowers and sunny days. On October 17 of my freshman year everything I knew went crumbling. Sunny days put me in misery. Flowers reminded me of death. But that was two years ago. I’m fine, Thanks. Thanks a lot.
“Janice,” My dad said, “You have school today.” Annoyance creeping into his voice. Probably mad, I’m sort of the worst daughter in the world, according to him.
“Get up! Are you even alive in there?” He yells. But his voice boomed in my head and I could feel my ears shriek with every word.
“No dad, I had a heart attack in my sleep, take my body and bury me in the garden.” I snap and slam a pillow into my face.
“Did you forget you had school today or are you planning on living the rest of your life in your room?” He said and knocked again, this time harder.
“Is that an option?” I wonder.
“Get to school.” He snaps and I could hear his footsteps thump down the hallway.
“10 minutes, that’s all I asked for.” I mutter and roll onto the ground from my bed. Still on the white carpet I snatch my jeans from the chair next to me.
I stood and open my door after getting changed. Wrapping myself in a blanket, I stumble down the stairs. The windows revealed exactly how dreary it was outside.
“Get moving I have an early meeting today.” He orders and picks up his coffee pouring me a cup too. Taking a sip he stares at me.
“Hello? Janice? Did you hear me? 6:30, we have to go.” He raises his eyebrows.
“You can go.” I stutter under my breath.
A moment passed before he squints at me.
“I need to make sure you actually get to school this time.” He replies.
“Stop yelling, ok?” I mumble and sit down. I put my hands over my ears and close my eyes.
“You’re kidding me… Janice Roe!” he shook his head. “This is unacceptable, you coming home drunk. We talked about this!” He gives me his disapproving glare and massages his temple.
I didn’t respond.
“You can’t keep doing this; I let it go for a while. But it has to stop. It isn’t fair to your sister.” He explains.
“I’m not hurting anyone. In fact, I’m taking away the pain. How selfish you are to make me give up my only happiness.” I remind him and start walking away. I grabbed my bag and return to the kitchen.
“I’m going to school.” I say and check my phone. “My rides here.” I state and open the door.
“Janice, I don’t want you getting in that car.” My dad snaps and slams down his briefcase. I smirk slightly and waved.
“Try and stop me.”
*********A/N********* This is my first part to my "Novel" I promise that it'll get better! Please comment your opinion and any feedback you have. AND thanks for reading!****************
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Lost In Black and White---- 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Okay, I reread the chapter at your request as you have informed me that you have edited it. It's been a while since I read the unedited version of this chapter, but I was able to indicate the areas that you edited or reworded. So not to worry!
This revised version of the chapter is definitely better than the first version. You gave some more description, which helped with understanding Janice's situation and circumstance. I also liked what you added, it really kept the flow of the words more smoothly, and it was more organized and complete, so to speak.
So, yes, this is far better than the previous version- good job!
MissLyricz x
Thank you so much for your reviews on both this chapter and the next
Okay, I reread the chapter at your request as you have informed me that you have edited it. It's been a while since I read the unedited version of this chapter, but I was able to indicate the areas that you edited or reworded. So not to worry!
This revised version of the chapter is definitely better than the first version. You gave some more description, which helped with understanding Janice's situation and circumstance. I also liked what you added, it really kept the flow of the words more smoothly, and it was more organized and complete, so to speak.
So, yes, this is far better than the previous version- good job!
MissLyricz x
Hey there, ButtercupRose!
The name's MissLyricz and I'm here to review your story so far!
First of all, your main character is very real and quite likeable. You've given the readers the impression that she is suffering with depression (ha, that rhymes) and that she is almost withdrawing from society, but also making decisions that could potentially become dangerous to her life: overconsumption of alcohol.
I think it would be beneficial to your story if you give the readers some more of her background story in the future chapters, so that they can become more aware of her feelings and why she feels that way. Because, as many of us should know, there are many causes and possible aspects of a person's life and personal experiences that can lead to a serious mental illness like depression.
Second of all, I love your opening paragraph. It was very strong and quite deep and poetic, which can often be a great way to draw your reader into the story. It was an excellent way to introduce the story that you have created!
Third of all, the way you expressed the current relationship between Janice and her father is very realistic. However, I would suggest expanding upon their relationship more and perhaps what it was like before, as it seems there is a bit of resentment there.
I am sure you may have some plans for this, but do remember that describing and showing the relationship between characters in different settings and scenarios is important, if you wish for your readers to understand and grow to love your characters.
(Not sure if this is the angle you were going for, but I'm getting the vibe that the mother is no longer alive and that could be a possible reason as to why Janice has depression, due to the terrible trauma of losing her mum. I could be wrong, but not mentioning the mother in the first chapter...I drew some conclusions, needless to say.)
All in all, it is a very good start to what will no doubt become a wonderful story!
I look forward to where you will take the story, my friend!
MissLyricz x
Hi, I changed a few things (I don't even know if its noticable) but would you mind rereading it and commenting whether I fixed my mistakes, I've been trying to edit this story, thanks
Yeah, sure! No problem, I'd be happy to!
Huuuuullo~
I like the premise so far, but personally, there was something about the opening paragraphs that just felt off to me. I guess it's probably the way she describes her own feelings (reread it, but it's not the grammar that irks me, although that is a part). I guess it seems kinda too poetic in a way? I'm not too sure about it, but I'm not sure about the advice I give.
For something this short, Janice's character is really developed quite well, although I would like to see the relationship with her and her father expanded upon more in later chapters. I get that it's strained to say the least, but I also want to know the cause for Janice's, well, depression.
Dialogue is handled pretty well, but it feel somewhat... stinted? I guess that makes sense, though it feels uncomfortable to read. Is that the idea? Something about it feels kinda web-fictiony.
Aaaand yeah, as another user pointed out, watch your tenses.
Other than that, the premise is really promising, and I'm looking forwards to reading more in the future. Good luck and happy writing~
Nyanko~
Hi, thanks for the review! I changed a few things, and was wondering if you would mind rereading it and commenting your opinion?
Hi, EmptySoul is here to review your story!
What I liked:
- The opening paragraph. I liked the way you started with a thing that happens to most us. Thus, other readers might relate to it to and have a liking for your main character
- Your main character. She was quite realistic and I sympathized with her since she seems like a teenager girl suffering with depression. I also like that badass vibe I get from here at the end.
What you need to work on:
-Throughout your story, you keep changing from past to present tense. Here's an example:
The words that are bold are some verbs. They're both in different tenses. Pick one and stick with it.
-There were a few sentences where you had grammatical and spelling mistakes and also poor word choice and lack of punctuation. Make sure to proofread your story again.
Overall, I liked this part of your "book" and I'm looking forward to reading the next part of this. Message me when it's out.
-EmptySoul
Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to proofread, when I wrote this, I was excited to get my idea in print and sorta forgot about all grammar rules. Then I kept writing and didn't look back at it. Thanks!
Hi, thanks for the review! I changed a few things, and was wondering if you would mind rereading it and commenting your opinion?