Published March 30, 2006
I woke up buried in snow that covered my whole body. My left leg seemed to be broken because when I tried to move I felt a sharp pain in my shin. I also had blood covering the left side of my face and the snow around it. When I tried to move up out of the snow my head began to hurt so bad that I had to stop moving. My gloves were soaked through, which made my hands feel like they were on fire.
How had this happened to me? I must have been knocked out while skiing because I had my ski boots on and one ski attached. The next question I asked myself was, where am I? In order to answer this I needed to push myself out of the snow and get a bearing on my whereabouts.
I finally got myself up, and I found out that I had been buried in a little more than half a foot of snow. This meant I must have been there for awhile. My surrounding landscape was blanketed in white. I was in a forest, where the light bearily penetrated to the ground. It was snowing very hard and I knew I was going to be in alot of trouble.
There was nothing for me to do because of my broken leg and the gaush on my head, which both made me feel excrutiating pain. Hypothermia started to settle in and made me shake uncontrollably. I drifted out and felt comfortable in my sleep.
I dreamed of events that happened during my life, when I first learned to ride a bike, a trip to arizona, and my first kiss. All of a sudden I was awakened by a brown nose and a dog's bark. I thought I was seeing a wolf and was about to be made into a meal. I had hardly any energy and passed out again.
I woke up again with trees whizzing by me. It made me feel like I was flying and thought I was going to heaven. I felt warm all over and started to fall asleep again.
I woke up and the first thing I saw was the white sheets of the hospital bed. I thought I was still stuck in the snow. My eyes focused and saw my dad and little sister. My dad told me I was alright and I was in a hospital.
"Is this a heaven," I said.
A doctor walked over and replied, "No it's a hospital."
I finally was safe in a warm bed with my family near. I figured it was heaven.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well this is a powerful bit of description to get started with here. There's a pretty clear sign that this person has just been in what looks to be a pretty bad accident and so as a result they are having some trouble figuring out exactly where it is they happen to be and what exactly happened. I think you capture the situation well enough, the person feels like they are maybe a tiny bit too calm for this but then we don't know enough about the person to really judge that.
Alright that was an interesting little cascade of events there. Again I would say the actual feelings of this person just seem remarkably calm for the most part and its just a little too calm at the moment which breaks the illusion a little. The thoughts and then the life sort of flashing before the eyes is quite nicely done though.
Well now that is perhaps the part that feels the most realistic here. I think that captures the kind of thoughts you'd have after a moment like that quite nicely. It makes for a nice ending I think, I certainly think it caps off this piece very well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This part I kinda liked, but the rest was rather cliched, in my opinion.
It was very fast moving and the charater seemed very calm for someone who thought they were going to die in the next few minutes. I think if you added in a few more descriptions of feelings and also the surrounding area other that just being a forest because when you are stuck in one place for a while you do start to notice your surroundings more than normal.
I also don't think you would just go to sleep in that kind of situation and from what you wrote it seems as if that was what he did (I'm just guessing the character was a he). I think you should research this a bit and extend it as you writing is quite good.
This could be quite a good piece if you make it longer and don't rush it.
Not really but I was knocked out in the woods while skiing and had to find my way to a trail without any skis. I wrote it quickly I didn't mean for it to be very elaborate.
IT WAS simple, not very elborate, but i have no rreason not to like it. so its okay, could be alot better and longer though.
did this really happen?
Just quickly because I have to go:
take out the 'a'.
I promise, I'll come back and give it a good go-over.