z

Young Writers Society



I will always love her

by BustedFlush


I went to go pick up Kelly at the usual place that I we met. Every Friday night she sneaks out and we go to a party. We had made a routine for the last month and half. I could never see her during the day because her father hated me. I never did what I always should have. I had gotten myself in trouble more than once. Kelly had changed me from a troubled hell raiser to someone totally different. This still didn't change the fact her father hated me.

Kelly got in my car and I could smell her usual scent which I was fond of. I kissed her and put the car in gear."Hey babe whats up," I said. "Nothing where are we going tonight," she responded. "I think we should go to my friend Rob's house because he is having some people over," I answered. "Oh ok what do they have to drink," she said. I knew her favorite drink was rum and coke."They have some rum and coke if you want it or we could get something else," I told her. I drove down the dirt road that leads to her house slowly so that I wouldn't make any noise."That sounds great are you going to drink it with me" she said."No I think I'm going to stick to beer," knowing that I never really got to drunk on beer. "Alright that sounds good," she said when I turned off onto the main road.

I lit a cigarette and rolled the window down. Kelly said her usual remark, "When are you going to quit smoking?" I laughed and told her soon. The drive across town was uneventful until I saw one of my old friends being put in the back of a police car. "Damn they arrested John," I said. "It could have been you in that car with him,"she said. I admitted, "Yea it could have."

We finally got to Rob's house and parked in his driveway. I led her inside and Rob was in the front hall. He said, "Hey guys, Kelly why didn't you bring any friends with you." She laughed and said, "I tried but they all said you were to ugly." Rob laughed and hugged Kelly. I shook hands with rob and went into the kitchen. I made Kelly a rum and coke just the way she liked. I also grabbed a beer out of a thirty pack on the floor. I walked into the living room and saw Kelly sitting on the couch talking with Rob. I came over gave Kelly her drink. She said thank you and made room for me on the couch. Rob got up and said that he was going to talk with the other people in the house.

Kelly and I sat on the couch and talked for awhile. We both got plenty drunk and started kissing. The whole room drifted away. It was just me and her. We went up the stairs and into a room. I made love with her the same way I always did. Afterwards I went outside for a smoke, Kelly stayed inside. When I came back inside she was talking with some guy that I never did like. She looked over at me and her eyes said help. The guy grabbed her arm and told her that they should go up stairs and have sex. I ran over and got in between Kelly and the man. I punched him in the mouth as hard as I could. Kelly screamed no. The man flew over the couch and on to the floor. I knew it was time to leave. So I put my arm around and we walked out.

We got in my car and she asked,"Why did you have to hit him." I said, "Sometimes things like that just need to be done." She told me that she loved me. I looked over and she was all a glow with the love I had put in her. I smiled told her I also loved her. The rest of the drive we both didn't say anything.

When we finally go to her road I dropped her off where I always did. I told her I loved her when she got out of the car. She smiled at me and closed the door. I backed up and turned around. When I was completely turned around I saw head lights at the end of her drive way. Oh no this was not going to be good I thought. It was her father's truck. He stopped and blocked off the whole road. I kept driving towards him. He pulled out a shotgun and aimed it right at me. He fired and I ducked. The bullet smashed through the window and through my head rest. I drove through the ditch around his truck while he kept on firing at me.

I got to the end of her driveway and thought that he was gone. I took out a cigarette and was about to light it when I saw his headlights in my rear view mirror. Shit he is coming back I thought. I pulled off her road and punched the accellerator. It was no use his engine was twice as powerful as mine. He was right on my bumper and I knew there was going to be only one way to get him off of me. I turned off onto some roads that twisted alot. I knew I had to lose him in the turns. I had driven these roads a hundred times and knew them like the back of my hand.

He kept up with me through most of the turns. I began to lose him when I took a particulary sharp curve. When I saw him behind me I knew he was going into it all wrong. The truck flipped a couple of times and ran into a telephone pole. I stopped and got out. I walked over and looked inside the cab. There he was bleeding profusely. I was going to help him when I saw the truck light on fire. But he grabbed for his gun so I backed away. The truck had flames rising up out of it everywhere. I turned around and lit a cigarette. I walked back to my car and got in. I took one look back and saw the truck blow up.

I drove home and went upstairs to my room. I went directly to my bed and fell asleep. That night kept going through my head while I was asleep. I woke up around 11 o'clock and went downstairs. I thought the whole night before had just been some bad dream. I walked out of my house to my car. Thats when I saw the bullet holes. I ran back inside and looked at the front page of the newspaper. There was the picture of the truck rapped around the telephone pole. I knew it was all over between me and Kelly. I wasn' t going to be able to look in her eyes. I knew that I had been the death of her father. I just wanted her to know I would always lover her.


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Fri Mar 17, 2006 7:41 pm
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



Pretty much what everyone else has said.

- Paragraphs after speech, and between different people speaking.

- Some grammar and spelling needs checking.

- More description, something that tells us more about what the character is thinking. At the moment, I'm sorry to say it but the story seems a bit... well, bland. Add a bit more description, delve deeper into the mind of the character. I mean... do we even know his name?? I don't remember you saying his name at any point, which I feel I'd rather know.

If you update this at any point, then feel free to post the edited version, either in here or in a new thread. PM me and I'll be sure to take a look at it for you. :P


~KayJuran~




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Fri Mar 17, 2006 2:24 am
Bobo wrote a review...



I couldn't help but feel completely devoid of emotion when I read this. Not only does it fail to express the character's emotions, but it takes away any natural emotional responses you might have to the incident. It kinds gives you this feeling that's like, "Hey, I just got my girlfreind's father killed. Eh."




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Fri Mar 17, 2006 1:34 am
BustedFlush says...



Thanks for the advice. I did my research now and I definately know what I did wrong. I have written another story kind of like this one. But this time it is a true story.




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Thu Mar 16, 2006 5:18 pm
Angel17 says...



I agree, that the story has potential, but the characters feelings weren't portrayed well enough. I could not relate, or sympathise with any of the characters well. I think if you develop them more, it may be a better piece.




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Thu Mar 16, 2006 5:51 am
Karma wrote a review...



Kind of a hard read... my mind was way overloaded with information. Either simplify it or make it llonger. Sorry, i hate being so blunt, but your writing needs a bit of a reality check. i'm really feeling bad about having to be so mean about it!REally!




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Thu Mar 16, 2006 1:13 am
Elizabeth says...



Yeah a lot of grammar and punctuation mess ups. so I got to about... the second and a half paragraph. I liked what I read, but some things could have more detail. It was good though. Nice one.




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Thu Mar 16, 2006 12:17 am
BustedFlush says...



Thanks for comments. I didn't know much about how to write a conversation between two people. Now I know.




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Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:57 pm
AstrangedbeaR wrote a review...



The opening was good, but the sentances that followed seemed too much. In the first paragraph you crowded me with too much information after each sentance. I could...., I never...., I had gotten...
It seemed too much, you could merge these sentances together maybe, so the reader wouldnt feel too bombared with info.

BustedFlush wrote:I went to go pick up Kelly at the usual place that I we met. Every Friday night she sneaks out and we go to a party. We had made a routine for the last month and half. I could never see her during the day because her father hated me. I never did what I always should have. I had gotten myself in trouble more than once. Kelly had changed me from a troubled hell raiser to someone totally different. This still didn't change the fact her father hated me.


Paragraphing after the Kelly talking may avoid confusion. For me, i was slightly confused with who was talking. Also some sentances could be cut down. For example...

"Kelly got in my car and I could smell her usual scent which I was fond of"

"Kelly got inside my car, smelling of that scent i was fond of"

BustedFlush wrote:Kelly got in my car and I could smell her usual scent which I was fond of. I kissed her and put the car in gear."Hey babe whats up," I said. "Nothing where are we going tonight," she responded. "I think we should go to my friend Rob's house because he is having some people over," I answered. "Oh ok what do they have to drink," she said. I knew her favorite drink was rum and coke."They have some rum and coke if you want it or we could get something else," I told her. I drove down the dirt road that leads to her house slowly so that I wouldn't make any noise."That sounds great are you going to drink it with me" she said."No I think I'm going to stick to beer," knowing that I never really got to drunk on beer. "Alright that sounds good," she said when I turned off onto the main road.


I like this paragraph. Although, what i said before about cutting some sentance down.

BustedFlush wrote:I lit a cigarette and rolled the window down. Kelly said her usual remark, "When are you going to quit smoking?" I laughed and told her soon. The drive across town was uneventful until I saw one of my old friends being put in the back of a police car. "Damn they arrested John," I said. "It could have been you in that car with him,"she said. I admitted, "Yea it could have."


Anyway, as i'm only commenting on the first three paragraphs maybe some of the adivce could apply to the others.
apart from that, this a good story, i like it.
it definately has potential
keep up the good work




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Wed Mar 15, 2006 8:55 pm
AngelBaby88 says...



I agree with Dummerang, the story shows true potential but what the hell...surely he would helped Kelly's dad...it seems to me he probally shouldnt ever talk to Kelly.




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Wed Mar 15, 2006 8:08 pm
Misty says...



Very run-on. The end--very abrupt. The paragraphs--not good. Everytime someone different speaks, you need to change paragraphs. The storyline is decent, though.




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Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:34 pm
Jerikas wrote a review...



This shows potential but there are several things I noticed.

Firstly, every time a character says anything it needs a new line and if you are going to write 'he said' or 'she laughed' or anything like that you put a comma between the last letter and the speech mark.

Also you need to check your tenses, in the first paragraph the tenses are all over the place.

You say in the second paragraph that beer didn't get the guy very drunk but then in the fifth paragraph you say they both got 'plenty drunk'. This also relates to the fact that the guy acknowledges that he is drunk yet still drives his girlfriend home. this seems a bit odd to me.

The guy seems a bit emotionless at the end of this. If he cared about 'Kelly' enough surely he would have tried harder to save her dad when he knew that it would end the relationship if he didn't. Also he would surely try to get back with 'Kelly' or at least phone her or go and visit. It seems a bit strange that he would leave it at that.

The end seems very rushed, if you go back over it and possibly put a bit more into the end of it.

Other than that it has a good story line and with a bit more time it could be a really good piece. I look forward to reading more.





When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate