Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
I live in a village that slays vampires, my parents are well known for the many vampires they slew, but me, I haven't slayed a single vampire. I'm considered as the "odd one out" of the village because I have not touched a stake, a cross or anything that included slaying a vampire, I see it as immoral because in my eyes I see vampires as an equal, a living being, yes, they have fangs, but, I also read about them in old books. One particular thing I learned about them is that yes, they drink human blood, but they know self control, unless provoked, when provoked they do end up becoming mindless beasts, but they do have morals and know what's right and what's wrong. The villagers hate the king of vampires, they say he's cruel, immoral, a mindless beast that kills for fun and mistreats his servants, guards and butlers, he lives in a dark palace on the mountain above the village, no one has seen him, no one knows what he looks like, there's no books or studies on him, he's practically invisible and nonexistent, a mystery. Everyone fears him, he comes down once a year to claim "a bride" none have come back, none met his requirements or his interests, its a 50/50 chance if you live or die in that palace and forgotten by the villagers, no one heard of you, no one knows you, you just disappear from existence in their eyes. This village is immoral, cruel and cold, no one cares if you disappear from existence, here, is survival of the fittest, a village run on betrayal and distrust, no one trusts anyone, you're a stranger in this village, a ghost.
"Anna, I need you to come with me", my mother approached, her voice short and curt, she never asked for me unless it was important.
"Right away, mother", I responded, my parents see me as a mistake to their heritage of slayers as I did not take the role of slayer, it never seemed right for me to slay another just because of how they look or their difference in being non-human, but that's a title I prefer to keep, knowing that i'm not continuing this cruel cycle of slay until you take it to your grave. I always question why they would die with regrets of killing, because no slayer goes to the grave without regret just to keep the tradition alive for your own gain. I followed my mother to the front of the village where everyone was gathered.
"What is this mother?" Why am I even asking? I know exactly what this is, i'm getting sold to the vampire king himself, just so she can get some political gain and money, greedy bitch.
"You're gonna marry the vampire king", Marry?! Is this woman insane, or does she just want to get rid of me? Most likely both, she never saw me as her daughter since I rejected becoming a slayer.
"He'll be here shortly", I chose not to speak a word to her or my father, it felt useless to do so considering they wouldn't care about how I feel, just about how they feel, what they want. Its a sad reality I live in, but I learn to adapt and get used to the cards i'm given and I use them to my advantage without rebellion. It's useless to rebel against the fate you were given.
"He's here", those words from my mother sealed my fate permanently as his carriage rolled in ominously, it was never my desire to be part of this mans world, but no one chooses to be born either, its just the way life is, no matter how cruel or cold it is, we never really have choices on this planet.
"Who is to be my bride?" His voice boomed from the carriage as he stepped out gracefully ominous. Once he stepped out, my eyes locked onto his features, he was beautiful, white hair, crimson eyes, sharp features and from the outline beneath his robe, muscular. His eyes scanned the crowd of women before locking onto me.
"You, come forward", me? He wants me? Fate is cruel in every way, no matter if you see it as hopeful, or beautiful, it is the worlds way of saying, your path is chosen not by you, but by others.
"Are you just going to stand there or come forward as I command?" I stepped forward, not sure what he has in mind for me, but I suspect that its not good from what I read in books, my mother stayed quiet and acted as if I didn't exist, typical, my father already acts as if i'm not his flesh and blood, so he stayed quiet and didn't look my way, how cold.
"What's your name girl?" It wasn't a request, it was a command.
"Anna is my name, your majesty", I hated the fear I felt, it was true fear, something I haven't felt in ages, something I wish I could get rid of. A crow hopped over to me, his companion possibly?
"Anna, how...quaint, for a mortal name". Quaint? did he just call my name old-fashioned? how rude! I couldn't say a word or rebel, if I did, it would be death served on a silver platter for me, all I had to do was be an obedient human pet in his eyes.
This girl..shes interesting, Anna is her name and the defiance in her eyes caught my interest, she didn't look like anyone else here, she didn't want my head like them, every year they choose not to attack as I choose my bride, but kill my children when i'm in my palace silently minding my own business. I grew to hate mortals, with a fire I cannot distinguish, every fiber of my being despises these ignorant mortals. It's odd...no matter how much I hate mortals, I can't seem to hate her, what spell has she cast upon me?
"You're coming with me, mortal" I can't believe this guy! I just told him my name and he still calls me mortal? how cruel!
"It's Anna you ignorant bastard!" Fate is quite annoying in its own way.
This girl, is quite interesting indeed.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - I saw “vampire” in the title and KNEW that I had to read it! I love vampires! This chapter is about a girl named Anna who comes from a family that slays vampires. She does not share their philosophy on slaying vampires, but that doesn’t make her hate the self-centered vampire king any less. Although, he is very beautiful…and maybe there’s more to him than people know.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how Anna is so defiant of everyone around her, from her parents to the vampire king. She has a very strong will and spirit. I also like how the vampire king doesn’t quite see her the same way as he does the other mortals. He must sense that she does not believe in slaying vampires.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fabulous first chapter to this story! I cannot wait to see their romance grow and I will be sure to read other chapters that come out! And now…
I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^
hey gurl!!! I js joined today and i'm quiet new to... the entire thing...
Fortunately I stumbled upon this in the green room and u can count me to read the next chapter. I will use the method (ig?) critique sandwich to review. I am really excited to know what happens next and I have some favorite lines here but this was iconic- "Fate is quite annoying in its own way." I like the idea of the defiant protagonist Anna and a very very insouciant king of vampires.
But that's not it- I would like to know how you separate your story from the rest and make it truly unique- something not all writers can pull off. I have immense hope from you
However I would prefer that you add some sort of imagery, and decrease the amount dialogues in there. Show, don't tell.
Like here- (You're coming with me, mortal" I can't believe this guy! I just told him my name and he still calls me mortal? how cruel! ) Instead of these inner thoughts, you could show annoyance by squinting of the eyes, a dead stare or the tightening of the lips into a thin line.
Nevertheless, I can surely feel Anna's sassy attitude and I WANT MORE. Like its a good starting, for sure. Tell me when the next chapter is gonna be out!!!!
Hello! Have a review of your first chapter. Overall, it feels a bit unpolished, but I like the concept of your protagonist living in a vampire slaying village while, quite emphatically, not wanting to slay vampires.
There are only two real points of critique I have with this:
1) Some of your sentences are way, way too long (I know the struggle, I too tend to write line-long sentences. So many ideas to fit into words!). And it can work, if you break it up with shorter sentences in between. But your introduction starts with one sentence of "normal" length, and then two that span multiple lines. You could divide them, if you wanted, something like this:
I'm considered as the "odd one out" of the village because I have not touched a stake, a cross or anything that included slaying a vampire. I see it as immoral because in my eyes I see vampires as an equal, a living being - yes, they have fangs, but, I also read about them in old books. One particular thing I learned about them is that yes, they drink human blood, but they know self-control. Unless they are provoked – then they do end up becoming mindless beasts. But normally they do have morals and know what's right and what's wrong.
And 2) You tend towards "Tell, not show". You can see it in the first paragraph as well. Your protagonist flat-out tells us that she's considered odd because she doesn't like slaying vampires. You could show something like that through a line of dialogue (Something like when she leaves her house, she hears someone whisper "Oh, there's Anna. Hey, have you slain a vampire yet, or are you still too scared?" or something).
The first paragraph is very long, but it tells all the necessary things of worldbuilding. The vampire king, the protagonist that doesn't kill vampires, the fate of the brides. You could space that out a bit more and start the story with some action instead of a lengthy explanation, but that's mostly my taste speaking.
You make the protagonist's disdain for her village and family very clear, setting her up for a good ol' romance with the vampire king. I do love an enemies-to-lovers trope, and it looks like this is where this might be going.
I'm not sure about the use of the word "anonymous" here? It means "(of a person) not identified by name or of unknown name" (according to the Oxford dictionary, anyway), and I'm not sure how either the carriage, or the vampire king, could acto anonymously. Because both are clearly and obviously seen? And named.
I'm also not entirely sure about the whole marriage thing. Her mother mentions she is chosen to marry the vampire king - but later you write that the vampire king comes down and decides who to marry himself? Or is it more that the village sends out a bunch of women and hopes one catches the vampire king's eyes? That, I think, needs to be clarified too.
Overall, I like the beginning of this just fine. It needs a bit of polishing, but it has some strong points as well:
I like Anna. She's unapologetically herself, even if she can't rebel out loud, she is sarcastic. She doesn't take sh*t from the vampire king, who I have to assume is very powerful, so that shows she has courage and backbone.
The worldbuilding may not be anything new, but it is solid - vampire kings, mortal brides, that goes back all the way to Dracula and I liked it back then, too (though Dracula admittedly had more chemistry with poor Jonathan Harker than his bride, Mina).
I like that we get a short glimpse into the vampire king's mind as well - he feels almost bewitched at the young woman who isn't scared of him at all.
I had to smile at the description of the vampire king. It feels almost reluctant on Anna's part, as if she doesn't want to notice he's kind of hot, but has to admit to it anyway.
If you want, I can put down some more suggestions for shortening sentences, and point out a few grammatical errors, but a good spell-checker can fix those for you just as handily.
Other than that, keep going!