Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It was a calm morning and the hills of Galifrey were glowing in the sun and the soft green grass blowing in the wind. Allock was on his way to the academy, which is where the Timelords learn the ways of every race in the universe and learn how to observe them while staying in the shadows.
The Galifreyans had been at war for quite some time with a race called the Anathorax. Today was time for Allocks initiation this meant that he would be accepted into the Galifreyan army to fight alongside many other brave men.
The initiation had begun and Allock was very nervous,
“Do you Allock Zethara accept the honour of becoming a part of the Galifreyan army?”
“Yes I do”.
When you complete the initiation you get you first task, it is usually the hardest most challenging to prove your worth. Allock had to seek an item that would bring peace to the war ¡, it is called the dimension accelerator and it is found in the cloisters which Is sort of like a graveyard for dead Timelords, no one has ever returned alive, it is guarded by robots that contain the soul of lifeless Timelords, you see when a Timelord diestheir thoughts memories basically their soul is uploaded into a mainframe that powers the cloisters which contain some of the most deadliest creations in the universe also it powers the security and most things that need a computer.
The smell of damp and fear circled the air as Allock entered the Cloisters, sounds of crying could be heard, he didn’t like it one bit it was like a maze that you could not escape from. Allock had been given a map that would supposedly lead him to the device, but the map didn’t make sense it was like it had been played with like a jigsaw and put in the wrong order, ”I’m pretty sure it’s this way “, Allockthought to himself, it was a dark long tunnel leading to this so called dimension accelerator, as Allock walked round the corner he noticed something strange, the guard that had been there before was gone, it was if it had vanished out of thin air. But there standing in the corner was the guard with the face of a dead Timelord imprinted on his face.
The bulky door for the device had been closed for Billions of years and kept safe from anyone or anything that needed it for bad reasons. The door had some sort of geometrical security system, Allock turned the left circle and moved the right triangle to the middle to form the emblem of the Galifreyans, but when he entered there was nothing, just emptiness and disappointment, all there was, was a small pin and a note saying thank you, someone had infiltrated the cloisters and someone had stolen it.
As soon as Allock turned round he was met with a lifeless face staring and screaming at him, the dead Timelord grabbed Allock and snapped his neck, the lifeless body started to mumble “we are one we are all we are the silence”.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
As an individual who hasn't watched the Doctor Who series at its whole, I have no idea how accurate this story is to the canon, so I'll probably end up judging this as an ordinary, original piece of work. Is that okay? I'm going to assume that that's okay. Okay, great. Let's go to the highlights.
Here's a tip--all punctuation goes inside the quotation marks. This includes the full stop, yes.
I'm not very confident about how this was phrased, so I'll just change it a bit so it goes a bit more smoothly: "It is usually the most challenging test in history used to prove your worth." See, easy enough.
I'm sorry, but was that supposed to be War I? I don't think you need the i, if you just said War, the people would understand.
I think you meant something like 'death' in there. You know, a noun. As far as I recall, damp is an adjective that means moist, or wet.
Now, to the more substantial portion of this review.
I'm not a big fan of infodumps. I think most people aren't. Infodumping is another way of saying "You're telling more than showing", and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but let's just say that the readers want to be entertained. If they wanted to learn about science and stuff, they could just go to the Wikipedia article and read it from there. You tend to infodump here, which is a shame, because the history seems quite interesting. Though I do have a question--is this truly based off the Doctor Who canon? In that case, you really don't need to repeat anything you didn't invent. All the Doctor Who fans, who this is supposed to be targeted towards, should know what you're talking about.
But anyway, that's all I have to say for now. This is a relatively short work and an interesting one at that, I just wish it showed more than it told. Anyway.
Signing out,
--EM.
Hey!! Writer1204 here for a review!!



So, I found this quite intriguing! I really did!!
I think this story had a lot of potential for a bigger picture. I did feel like there was a lack of background information--especially, taking into consideration the fact that you're making the reader travel into a whole new dimension. So, it'd be great if you took your time through explaining details, giving it all a bit more volume--if that makes any sense.
Also, I wanna know more about the character himself. I think that you have a good story behind it all, but you reach for very simple things when you totally have the potential to expand and deepen your fantasy world right there!!
That's all I have to say, really, but I did enjoy it a lot.
As always, keep writing and I hope you have a nice day/night!! <3
Sincerely, Writer1204!