Young Writers Society

Hiya, LordStar. Bisc has kind of already nailed most of the points I wanted to make, so I'll keep this fairly brief.

One of the first things I want to mention is kind of a consistent problem across the story, actually. I don't feel like your chapters flow into one another well enough. Whenever I come back to review this, I can never intuitively tell which is the next chapter; I always have to go back and check which part I reviewed last. While this is expected to an extent, I do think it makes the story feel a bit jarring, because it feels like certain developments - rather than being summarised - have been snipped out entirely. You left the last chapter with Rhys lying on the bed and chain-smoking, then this one starts with him getting in a lift with Lip. How much time has passed? It's not always easy to tell from the context. I wouldn't mind just a little bit of summarising before you get into the chapter proper. Obviously we don't need to know every insignificant detail, but sometimes jumping from active scene to active scene without any kind of padding makes the story a bit spiky.

This is definitely a key development in Rhys's story, though I have the terrible feeling that it might only end in tears. I can't quite get behind Rhys and Lip's reconciliation because Lip...still doesn't endear himself to me. I don't understand why Rhys is the only one apologising. Yes, I think it would've been better for Rhys to tell Lip about the pregnancy, but it's not his decision. And Lip didn't even acknowledge that they'd slept together until after the termination. Lip's got a lot of nerve attacking Rhys for avoiding that they slept together, because it seems like Lip was doing the exact same thing. I don't understand why Rhys never brings that up - if Lip spent two months being silent about the time they slept together, why exactly would Rhys trust him with the truth of his pregnancy?

I'm not sure whether we're supposed to like Lip at this point, though. I don't know whether his and Rhys's relationship is going to develop into something we're supposed to root for. If it is, I'd be concerned about how unsympathetic Lip is. However, if it's supposed to be troubled and/or Lip is going to go through a lot of development, his characterisation is fine. Though I do still think Rhys's should hold Lip accountable for his behaviour more.

I also agree with Bisc that the 'I said I didn't love you, not that I don't love you' line requires a bit more explanation. Back when they fought, it definitely sounded like Lip was trying to let Rhys down gently. Has he fallen for him since? Or was he always into him, and just didn't want to say? Either way, he needs to take responsibility for what he said back then. Rhys can't be blamed for thinking that 'I didn't feel the same' means that Lip isn't into him.

I do really like how you tie this storyline into the issue of recovery, though. I'm interested to see how this relationship with Lip affects him going forward, and whether he'll be a positive force or a negative one. As it stands, I really don't think Lip is going to be good for him.

Keep writing!
~Pan

Hello again. I've meant to officially review some of these chapters as I have in the old drafts of Vomit, but it's taken me quite some time.

What really strikes me with this chapter are the switching emotions between the characters. I've always appreciated Rhys for what he brings to the story regardless of whichever situation he's in - he's passionate about what he cares about, he's not afraid to stand up for himself, and he's stubborn enough to not want to ask for help he's forced to need it. Unfortunately, these aspects can bring a whole lot of bad reactions adding on to this, such as him not wanting to get help or support from getting an abortion to feeling indebted to Ethan or Leah and then not letting himself spiral into a worse situation without trying to get out of it.

Lip as one of the main characters brings a different personality to the table as he himself seems rather caring towards others but also quick to becoming a spitfire when he feels he's been wronged. And here he does whether that's a truthful statement to an outsider or not. It feels like almost too much and not enough is happening in this chapter as there are a lot of bold statements in this dialogue - especially concerning how every single character seems to slut-shame Rhys - but I can't quite tell where this story is really meant to go concerning Lip and Rhys.

Overall, this was an interesting chapter to read - I really did like the last lines by Rhys and Leah about things being "complicated." That very much winds up pretty much everything about Vomit and these characters in general. Nicely done and I hope to get to more of this story later.

Hey, since it's review day figured I better get moving before it's over!

Nit-picks:

Rhys blinked as realization dawned on him. His stomach twisted and he looked away, skin crawling. "I didn't realize."

"Didn't realize it was mine?" Lip hissed quietly, grabbing Rhys by the arm and pulling him closer as the elevator stopped and an elderly woman got on. "Didn't realize that you should have at least consulted me before you just made that decision?"

"Oh please," Rhys snapped, pulling his arm away, "don't tell me you wanted to fucking keep it. You don't even like me, remember?"

"I said I didn't love you, not that I don't love you," Lip snapped, voice rising enough that the elderly lady gave him a look. Rhys stared at him, dumbfounded.