z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 3.19)

by Ventomology


Tuesday, 18:30, route 40 westbound

Mr. Talisman has just purchased a new house up on the hill. He fidgets in his seat, bursting with excitement like a teenager who has just bought his first car. A wicked grin spreads across his face, stretching the wrinkles around his nose and eyes, and his knee bounces in a quick, steady beat.

“You look particularly happy this evening,” comments Mr. Pyus from across the aisle. Somehow, the ponderous man’s presence can’t taint Mr. Talisman’s glee. “Did the one god finally call to you?”

“I bought a house,” Mr. Talisman replies, raising his eyebrows. He can’t find it in himself to sound gruff or scratchy, but he manages a haughty lift of his nose.

The seats creak as Mr. Pyus adjusts himself to face the aisle. “Did you now? I was wondering when you’d finally move out of that old place. Men in our generation are meant to start their own households.”

“Darn right. Kids these days all move back in with their parents soon as they get their fancy degrees.” Mr. Talisman puffs his chest in pride. Then, as if fate has sensed his hypocrisy, the bus jumps over the bump on the highway entrance, and he is forced to deflate so he doesn’t topple over.

Mr. Pyus hums a note of amusement and turns back to the front of the bus, beaming. “So, what will become of the old house?”

“I’m having it demolished,” Mr. Talisman answers, though he spends a few moments grumbling about the state of the roads first. “The city’s never going back to how it was, so I’m better off destroying the old place. It’ll serve my old man right, having his life’s work crushed. I didn’t like living with all those spirits anyways.”

“Is that the reason?” Mr. Pyus asks. He cups his chin with two blockish fingers and lifts his gaze to the emergency roof hatches, studying them as though he might need to use them soon. “I thought it would have had more to do with the evidence. Surely you’re aware that no amount of destruction can hide sins from the one god.”

Kicking his feet on the plastic floor, Mr. Talisman furrows his white eyebrows and hunches over to look at the ground. “And yet money can hide almost anything from him,” he scoffs.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” Mr. Talisman grunts. He shoves a hand in his pocket, and his wrinkly fingers brush against a crinkled slip of paper. Glancing at Mr. Pyus, he wraps a hand around the note and pulls it out.

The note is a torn quarter of a sheet of blue-lined notebook paper. Blotchy black ink and a spatter of oil sprawl over the lines in sloppy, uneven bullet points that run perpendicular to the pre-printed blue pinstripes. Mr. Talisman frowns. He is fairly certain he discarded this yesterday.

Crumpling the paper in his hand, he slides his fist back into his coat pocket, but a shiver of movement makes him pause. Mr. Pyus is looking now, an innocently smug smile stretching across his face.

“Grocery list?” Mr. Pyus asks.

Mr. Talisman narrows his eyes. He knows this act. “Yes,” he says, voice firm and solid and low.

“I imagine you had some difficulty finding some of the items in the store, didn’t you?”

The bus rumbles across a section of road coated with kicked-up gravel, and Mr. Talisman clenches his jaw. “As a matter of fact, I did not,” he spits out. “You’re having delusions again.”

“Ah-ah-ah,” Mr. Pyus scolds. “Speaking with the one god is hardly a delusion.” He holds up a finger and closes his eyes, looking the part of the wise teacher. “But thinking you can put your past behind you at this age, my friend, now that is a delusion. Perhaps when we disembark you’d like to show me your list? I can tell you where to find everything.”

Wrinkles folding into a scowl, Mr. Talisman crushes the paper in his hand. It crackles, audible despite the whirring bus engine and roaring heater. “I’ll tear this up and no one will ever know,” he growls. “At least, no one who matters.”

“All people matter to the one god.”

Smoothing out the paper on his leg, Mr. Talisman shoots a snarl at Mr. Pyus. “The one god isn’t the police investigation or the government, or even the dragons after my hide.” He holds up the list with both hands, fingers on either side of the sharp fold running down the length of the paper.

“And torn-up papers can be glued back together,” Mr. Pyus points out. Like a machine, his kindly gaze is unwavering and automatic.

Mr. Talisman rips the list in half. He smashes the pieces together, flattens the crumpled mess and reaches for the underside of the seat. A wad of half-dried gum meets his fingers, and he grins like a madman. “But here’s the question: who would think to look?” Then, keeping his eyes locked on Mr. Pyus, he sticks his paper to the gum under the seat.

The deed is done; his evidence is gone. No one will even want to look at it.

In his usual infuriating way, Mr. Pyus only shakes his head the tiniest bit and holds his smile like it has been plastered there. “Ah, but you see, the one god has a way of influencing things. You never know what kind of person will chance upon your secrets.”


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1162 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 8:57 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

I'm sure if I were reading from the beginning this would all make so much more sense, but I'm a bit confused about why 3.19 doesn't pick up where 3.18 left off. I think it's really creative and clever to tell a bunch of different stories of things that happen on this bus over the course of however long this story goes for :) The only potential problem I see is whether or not the reader is going to get any sort of closure for any of these story lines. Are we going to meet people or hear about a problem once and then have it never be mentioned again? That might get a bit frustrating for your readers. And I know I shouldn't be talking about plot things since I've read so little of this. I'm sure you have a plan and it's going to be fine, but it was just something I was thinking about and I wanted to mention it in case it was something you hadn't thought about :)

Some specific thoughts -

“You look particularly happy this evening,” comments Mr. Pyus from across the aisle. Somehow, the ponderous man’s presence can’t taint Mr. Talisman’s glee. “Did the one god finally call to you?”

“I bought a house,” Mr. Talisman replies, raising his eyebrows. He can’t find it in himself to sound gruff or scratchy, but he manages a haughty lift of his nose.

I think you should switch the order up a bit here. You go from P to T to P to T which is fine, but in one paragraph you go from P to T and then back to P and both P things relate and both T things relate which makes me think the P things should go together and the T things should go together. Like:
"You look.... across the aisle, "Did the one god finally call to you?"
Somehow, the ponderous man.... "I bought a house," He replies..."
Also, not sure if "ponderous" is a word.

Then, as if fate has sensed his hypocrisy, the bus jumps over the bump on the highway entrance, and he is forced to deflate so he doesn’t topple over.

Love it.

“Is that the reason?” Mr. Pyus asks. He cups his chin with two blockish fingers and lifts his gaze to the emergency roof hatches, studying them as though he might need to use them soon. “I thought it would have had more to do with the evidence. Surely you’re aware that no amount of destruction can hide sins from the one god.”

Kicking his feet on the plastic floor, Mr. Talisman furrows his white eyebrows and hunches over to look at the ground. “And yet money can hide almost anything from him,” he scoffs.

This confused me a bit. So Mr. T did something illegal at this old house of his and he's actually having it demolished to hide the evidence but some evidence is on this piece of paper he has with him and Mr. P somehow either suspects or knows that?
It took me a little while to get there. I know you're trying to be a bit vague and not give everything away, but I think you could be a little more clear about what exactly is going on here and what's at stake.

Then, keeping his eyes locked on Mr. Pyus, he sticks his paper to the gum under the seat.

The deed is done; his evidence is gone. No one will even want to look at it.

In his usual infuriating way, Mr. Pyus only shakes his head the tiniest bit and holds his smile like it has been plastered there. “Ah, but you see, the one god has a way of influencing things. You never know what kind of person will chance upon your secrets.”

I feel like Mr. P is very interested in what Mr. T had on that paper and he was insinuating that in the conversation. I'm surprised Mr. T was so obvious about where he hid it. I would think he would want it to be a bigger secret. Even though people may not think to look under the bus seat and might not want to touch something that touched gum, Mr. P saw it and I'm not sure Mr. T wants to trust Mr. P.

Overall though another strong chapter. You do a lot of things well so it's hard to find things for me to nitpick with you about :) I'll leave things there for now but let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




Ventomology says...


"Ponderous" means heavy. It's an SAT word, which is probably why you suspected it wasn't real (those SAT words sound terribly silly, and I'm not sure who even uses them).

Also this character/paragraphing thing seems to be a perennial problem with me. I shall have to look out for it in the future.

Thank you!



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Sun May 29, 2016 6:38 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Specifics

1. The first sentence feels a bit telling - how has he just purchased it? Remotely by phone or just before getting on the bus? Maybe we could hear the end line of some dialogue to someone on the phone about the deal being done and that would be a more immersive way for the reader to learn this. Or maybe you just describe the way he's acting and then let the dialogue tell us why he's excited since you have that next anyway.

Overall

Very little to comment on for this part, though I wonder if the bus is empty when the two men are having this conversation? It seems like a really private affair and a line about how there's nobody within ear shot would make me feel a bit better about how public they're being about it.

I guess that's part of what makes this setting so fun, you can't have characters go off into a private room to talk; everything they say instead has to be something you'd say in public or whispered. It's a fun idea and from the chapters I've read so far, it's working well for you!

Also, Mr. Pyus is a pun on pious, right? It certainly came across that way and it made me smile but I think I'll also have a hard time taking his character very seriously so I thought I'd mention it! I don't think that's a problem and so far it's fun that he's a pretty stereotypical, all knowing godly man.

See you the other side of my bowl of ice cream and a movie ;)

~Heather





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