Hello again!
I'm sure if I were reading from the beginning this would all make so much more sense, but I'm a bit confused about why 3.19 doesn't pick up where 3.18 left off. I think it's really creative and clever to tell a bunch of different stories of things that happen on this bus over the course of however long this story goes for The only potential problem I see is whether or not the reader is going to get any sort of closure for any of these story lines. Are we going to meet people or hear about a problem once and then have it never be mentioned again? That might get a bit frustrating for your readers. And I know I shouldn't be talking about plot things since I've read so little of this. I'm sure you have a plan and it's going to be fine, but it was just something I was thinking about and I wanted to mention it in case it was something you hadn't thought about
Some specific thoughts -
“You look particularly happy this evening,” comments Mr. Pyus from across the aisle. Somehow, the ponderous man’s presence can’t taint Mr. Talisman’s glee. “Did the one god finally call to you?”
“I bought a house,” Mr. Talisman replies, raising his eyebrows. He can’t find it in himself to sound gruff or scratchy, but he manages a haughty lift of his nose.
I think you should switch the order up a bit here. You go from P to T to P to T which is fine, but in one paragraph you go from P to T and then back to P and both P things relate and both T things relate which makes me think the P things should go together and the T things should go together. Like:
"You look.... across the aisle, "Did the one god finally call to you?"
Somehow, the ponderous man.... "I bought a house," He replies..."
Also, not sure if "ponderous" is a word.
Then, as if fate has sensed his hypocrisy, the bus jumps over the bump on the highway entrance, and he is forced to deflate so he doesn’t topple over.
Love it.
“Is that the reason?” Mr. Pyus asks. He cups his chin with two blockish fingers and lifts his gaze to the emergency roof hatches, studying them as though he might need to use them soon. “I thought it would have had more to do with the evidence. Surely you’re aware that no amount of destruction can hide sins from the one god.”
Kicking his feet on the plastic floor, Mr. Talisman furrows his white eyebrows and hunches over to look at the ground. “And yet money can hide almost anything from him,” he scoffs.
This confused me a bit. So Mr. T did something illegal at this old house of his and he's actually having it demolished to hide the evidence but some evidence is on this piece of paper he has with him and Mr. P somehow either suspects or knows that?
It took me a little while to get there. I know you're trying to be a bit vague and not give everything away, but I think you could be a little more clear about what exactly is going on here and what's at stake.
Then, keeping his eyes locked on Mr. Pyus, he sticks his paper to the gum under the seat.
The deed is done; his evidence is gone. No one will even want to look at it.
In his usual infuriating way, Mr. Pyus only shakes his head the tiniest bit and holds his smile like it has been plastered there. “Ah, but you see, the one god has a way of influencing things. You never know what kind of person will chance upon your secrets.”
I feel like Mr. P is very interested in what Mr. T had on that paper and he was insinuating that in the conversation. I'm surprised Mr. T was so obvious about where he hid it. I would think he would want it to be a bigger secret. Even though people may not think to look under the bus seat and might not want to touch something that touched gum, Mr. P saw it and I'm not sure Mr. T wants to trust Mr. P.
Overall though another strong chapter. You do a lot of things well so it's hard to find things for me to nitpick with you about I'll leave things there for now but let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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