z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 2.13)

by Ventomology


Saturday, 8:00, route 42

Though dawn struck an hour before, the sun stays low in its winter path. The horizon remains painted with fluffy brushstrokes of pink and orange, and a layer of freezing fog still awaits sublimation. Outside Rick’s bus, four kids huddle over a phone, shivering and pointing gloved fingers at something on the screen.

Eventually, the group makes a decision, their simultaneous raising of heads signalling a consensus, and the four bound towards Rick’s bus. As they draw near, Rick realizes that it’s the same group from yesterday’s vampire incident, and he lets a grimace touch his face. They might be decent kids, but they attract trouble.

Sniffling, Rick pushes a button to open the door and waves the kids onwards. He’s seen their bus passes often enough that they don’t need to waste time standing in the doorway and letting in cold air.

“Ooh, the heater is on,” the short girl sighs. “This is much better than the last bus we took.”

“You’re such a wimp, Willow,” says the taller girl. “Drake and Martin don’t seem to mind.”

Martin pretends he has a wristwatch and stares at the sleeve of his jacket to avoid the conversation, but Drake smiles.

“I have a literal fire inside my intestines, and Martin is undead,” he replies. “Besides, weren’t you just begging Willow for one of her hand warmers, since you forgot yours at home?” He sets a hand on Willow’s shoulder and nudges her into one of the seats before sliding in next to her, making sure to keep his smug grin aimed at Divinity.

Smirking, Divinity tosses her hair and plops into the seat in front of the two. “I concede. I’m nice enough to not use blackmail anyways. So, how much of the symptoms list did you boys get through last night?”

Martin seats himself next to Divinity and laces his fingers together. “We actually got through most of it,” he says. “I have sharpened senses, night vision, a slight enhancement of physical strength, flexibility, and agility, and religious items make me fall asleep. As for burning in sun, I’ve already spent quite some time in daylight as a vampire, so I doubt I’ll burn up any time soon.”

“And before you ask, Divinity,” Drake adds, “it was a death-sleep. No pulse, no breathing, and his eyes were open.”

“Ooh. That sounds cool. Did you get the results back from the spit test yet?”

Shaking his head, Martin twists around in his seat to better include Willow and Drake. “No, but when the officers were questioning me, they implied that the more potent blood clotting agents have a rather interesting aftertaste, and I did taste something like pistachio ice cream after I, er, bit Willow.”

Willow giggles. “That’s actually kind of funny. Oh, and before I forget, can you all explain the genetics thing to me again? I didn’t really understand it yesterday.”

The bus eases into motion, and Divinity and Drake glance at Martin.

“Very well,” Martin says, “I’ll explain it, since Divinity apparently didn’t make it clear. The process of a vampire turning is rather like having a parasite invade the bloodstream, eat human cells, and then transform them into vampire cells. However, the original “parasite” also preys on red blood cells in order to transform them into more parasites.”

Willow bites her lip and furrows her brow in concentration. “Okay, I get that, but what was the thing about malaria?”

“Malaria is caused by an actual parasite, Plasmodium, which eats red blood cells. It doesn’t transform the cells, though, or act like a virus. Malaria is important, however, because in places where malaria is common, there is also increased occurrence of genetic variation which causes hemoglobin to fold incorrectly and therefore results in deformed blood cells. ”

“Or in other words,” Divinity cuts in, “sickle-cell disease.”

“Since Plasmodium won’t eat sickle-shaped cells,” Martin continues, “the disease is somewhat beneficial in places with malaria and continues to pass through generations. I happened to inherit an allele for sickle-cell from my mom, who is also a carrier, whose parents emigrated from Nigeria and are also carriers. And since this particular gene exhibits incomplete dominance, I did have a few sickle-cells floating around my bloodstream before my turning, just not very many. In addition, the vampire turning catalyst is incapable of transforming sickle-cells, so until all of those blood cells died, the turning couldn’t finish.”

Willow narrows her eyes. “Don’t red blood cells last a lot longer than four days?”

“They actually last about one-hundred and twenty days,” Martin replies, “but I imagine the changes in blood chemistry eventually disabled my sickle-shaped cells.”

“Wow,” Willow breathes, leaning back in her seat. “That’s a lot to take in. It’s amazing that you’re adjusting to this so quickly.”

Martin shrugs and scratches the back of his head. “The faster I can get used to being a vampire, the faster I can go about answering all the other questions I have. I still can’t figure out why, after all this time, a vampire finally appeared in Franklin City, or why he chose to turn me, and since he was killed in one of those hit-and-run events, there’s no way to ask either.”

A moment of quiet settles over the group before Divinity takes a breath and shoots a glance at Martin. “I think I can answer your first question,” she says. “The last sightings of any powerful creatures or vampires in the Franklin City area were in the nineteen-twenties, right before the purchase of the Talisman estate. I don’t have proof that the Talisman estate has anything to do with your vampire or Willow’s spirits, but there’s no way this is just coincidence.”

“You’re probably right.” Furrowing his brow in concentration, Martin nods and scratches his head harder. “The Talisman estate is likely connected with the reappearance of spirits and vampires, and it’s well-known that Mr. Talisman sold the estate because of the death of his last descendant, Marcy Talisman.”

“Speaking of Marcy Talisman and your vampire, Martin,” Drake says, “do any of you think the serial case of hit-and-runs could be connected to the Talismans by anything other than Marcy Talisman’s death?”

Divinity raises her eyebrows, but with her head tilted back over the seat and her chin in the air, she looks more comical than concerned. “Why do you ask? Do you know something?”

“No, it’s just a feeling. The truth is, the hoard item I needed to turn into a full dragon was stolen by a blonde woman, and my grandfather sent someone to—quote unquote—take care of it. He’s not a nice man, you see, and I’m worried that the hit-and-run case is a result of him trying to get revenge on the thief.”

Martin shakes his head, sending Drake a sympathetic look. “I doubt there’s any connection besides Marcy Talisman. Anything else would make this too easy. If you want to look into the case though, or even help, I’m capable of dropping hints for my dad or Officer Brimston.”

“I suspect my grandfather’s secretary, who’s a supervillain, but I don’t know what super power the man has. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t have even brought this up. I don’t know what I was thinki-

“Wait.”

At the sound of Willow’s squeaky voice, Drake turns his head to look at her, Divinity grunts in confusion, and Martin lets his mouth drop open just enough for his fangs to show.

“You all act like this talk is pointless, but you’re planning on investigating anyways, aren’t you?”

A beat of tense silence follows the question, and then Willow’s friends erupt into a chorus of excuses and poor jokes. Their noise fades out as she groans and hangs her head in resignation.

“You three are going to be in so much trouble,” she mutters, but then, with dramatics bordering on Divinity’s level, Willow flings up her head and heaves her shoulders in a sigh. As she speaks, a red splotch spreads over her nose and cheeks. “But you’ll be in more trouble if you get hurt, so if you’re going to go sleuthing, we might as well stick together for safety.”

Divinity beams. “Willow, are you suggesting an investigative team? I never thought I’d hear that out of you.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it!”

Of course, Divinity ignores Willow’s protests and reaches over to deliver a patronizing pat on the head. Drake breaks into an adoring smile and wraps an arm around Willow’s shoulders, squeezing her in appreciation, and Martin lets a tiny gleam in his eyes show through. Still blushing, Willow suffers through the celebration with her lips pressed together as tightly as she can manage.

When the happy moment ends, and Drake still hasn’t removed his arm from Willow’s shoulders, she crosses her arms and puffs out her cheeks, glaring with all the embarrassed fury she can muster.

“Fine,” she grumbles, “we can be a team. Now when’s the stop for doughnut store?  Because that is the reason we came out this early, right? To have fresh doughnuts for breakfast?”

Divinity grins with obvious faux sweetness and gestures out the windows, where a field of picket signs and advertisements roll past. “We missed it already,” she says, “so I guess it’s back to planning our team, hm?”


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88 Reviews


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Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:30 am
EnderFlash wrote a review...



Notes

The description in this chapter disappoints me a little. You start off with a pretty paragraph, and then everything melts into dialogue. There's no avoiding explanations, especially since this is a mystery, but I guess you're going to have to find a way around this.

I think what hurts the information the most is the way its executed. Things are always exchanged between friends, that's a given. However, the dialogue can get stiff at times. They're all smart kids, i can see that, and with that comes the problem of making their wording appropriate for their ages. Sometimes, the non-information dialogue comes across a little weak and unnatural, before launching into another explanation. This sort of ties back to the description, since some details would muffle the info-dump, courtesy of Martin. I love the kid, but please.

---

Thoughts/Impressions

1. Goodness. I see that these teens actually remember their biology lessons. I would be, or more accurately was, quite lost in Martin's little lesson.

2.

“I have a literal fire inside my intestines..."
Surgeons must have fun with this guy.


That's it for now, apologies. It's been a long day, much too long, and I'll be going to sleep. G'night.




Ventomology says...


This chapter is gross, and I knew that going in, but it probably won't change until I get to draft two.



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Wed Mar 02, 2016 12:51 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to take this out of the green room :D And I apologize because I haven't read the previous installments, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole.

I have a couple of big picture thoughts.

I think it's really creative and interesting that this story is taking place on a public bus. I've never read a story like that before. But after the first few paragraphs, I completely forgot that we're on a bus. Throughout all of this I could use way more setting. Are there other people on the bus? What do they look like? What are they doing? How do they react to these characters? How do these characters react to the other bus people? Does the bus stop at all to let people on or off? What is the route like? What kinds of things can you see out the window? What are the roads like (busy, rough, hilly, twisty)? Are there any weird sounds or smells on the bus? Stuff like that. Obviously you don't need to necessarily incorporate all of that into this little segment of the story, but they're things to consider to take the setting and the writing to the next level. I want to feel like I'm on the bus with your characters and right now they sort of feel like talking heads.

That was going to be my next point - talking heads. Talking heads are when you have characters talking back and forth, but that's all that's happening. There's no description along with it, it's just two heads talking. I don't think this is a huge problem for you, but I think you could beef up your dialogue a bit with more description. In addition to what I already mentioned with the setting, you could include more character stuff. Think about faces and body language and reactions and show me more of what your characters are doing while they're talking. This will help make them feel more like real people with personalities.

Also, this seemed like a pretty intimate or personal conversation to be having on a public bus. Is this normal for this group? Are supernatural things like this normal in this world? (Things I would know if I had read the previous chapters... :p) I'm mainly wondering how other people on the bus (or the driver if they're alone) reacts to this conversation and if this group feels comfortable talking about this stuff in such a public place.

Your dialogue is pretty good. It's hard for me to gauge because I don't have a lot of context for these characters and I don't know a lot about them. At times it sounded a little formal, but that could just be the way that character talks, I don't know. My biggest piece of advice for dialogue is to pay attention to how people talk in the real world (what kinds of words they use and how they say things and where they put emphasis and how they react to things) and then use that in your own dialogue. It also helps to read out loud sometimes to see how natural and authentic your dialogue sounds.

One little thing in your dialogue, be careful that you don't restate things the reader may already know or that you may have discussed in a previous scene. A clue for me that this may have happened came here:

Oh, and before I forget, can you all explain the genetics thing to me again? I didn’t really understand it yesterday.”

You want to try and limit how much you explain things to the reader because that's a lot less fun to read than stuff that really advances the plot. Sometimes it's necessary to include and that's totally fine. However, for each thing you need to explain, I would limit it to one scene (unless there is some new huge revelation about it later). I'm afraid here it's bleeding into more than one scene.

Another little thing to be careful of when you're explaining is that you don't get into info-dumps. A clue for me that this was sort of happening was in the same spot I quoted. After she asks, the other character starts these long paragraph descriptions about the inner-workings of how all of this works and the science behind it. I'm sure for some people that would be really interesting to read. For me personally, I glossed over a lot of it because that type of stuff doesn't do much for me. One remedy goes back to things we've already talked about - including more setting and beefing up the dialogue with other stuff. I appreciated that you broke up the long description of how it works with other people talking, but I think you could break it up even more and disguise it as something that isn't an info-dump by including some of that other stuff.

I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! And if you would like feedback on anything specific or a more line-by-line approach, let me know and I can go back and do that! Overall, I think this is a really creative story and premise. Looking over on the side and seeing how much of this you wrote has me excited because I think there is a lot of promise here! :D




Ventomology says...


Ugh. This entire section is just a mess. It follows a number of action scenes though, and mostly functions as cool down and regrouping. Thanks for the review!



Ventomology says...


Ugh. This entire section is just a mess. It follows a number of action scenes though, and mostly functions as cool down and regrouping. Thanks for the review!



Carlito says...


I totally get the cool down after a bunch of action. I do the same thing :)



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Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:34 am
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

I realize I'm coming into this when you're already into the second chapter, so my review will focus on the technical side of things, alright? It'd be best if I avoided plot and characters, as I'm sure I've missed quite a bit from the preceding chapter. If I notice something obvious, I'll point it out... but I don't know enough about your book here to leave much of any critique on the actual story - only your delivery.

The first thing I'll point out is your beginning. To begin a chapter with a description of the setting is quite tricky, because it rarely pulls the reader into your story. In this case, I'll be blunt and say the first few sentences failed to pull me in like I hoped they would. Once the initial disappointment in the beginning faded (which was still good, but lacked the oomph that the first few sentences need), I enjoyed your chapter quite a bit... buuut you need to have a strong beginning. What to do? Don't describe the sunrise! Sunrises are boring, unless your character is a lone cowboy riding the range and it's either describe that or grass. in this case, you have four characters right there to begin with. Skip the sunrises and go straight to them - what they're doing, what they're saying, etc. You can even describe the morning by their actions (an example being seeing their breath, rubbing their arms). There's a rule I learned by my favorite book on writing: Don't describe sunsets. If you follow that rule, then your book will improve quite a bit. It basically means don't stop the story to describe something, and don't describe something that's superfluous. You could have started the chapter with the kids outside Ricky's bus, and no one would've missed a thing. c:

As they draw near, Rick realizes that it’s the same group from yesterday’s vampire incident, an


Just going to point out here that the previous paragraph told us that the kids were right outside Ricky's bus... and now they're drawing near and "bounding" towards the bus, indicating they were a ways away. Might want to look at that. :3

One other thing I'm noticing throughout is their speech and ages conflicting. I wouldn't usually talk about this, but it's too apparent here to ignore. Your characters you describe as "kids", but then when you hear how they talk - woah 0.O Either we have some doctors stuck in some kids' bodies or we have some Artemis Fowls here. Because these kids don't talk like the age they're depicted as, which I'm guessing from the picture I see is about twelve or so? The words they use and the way they talk say otherwise, but their demeanor and how they act tells me they're around twelve. If this is something I'm missing because I didn't read the previous chapter, then I apologize and you can just ignore this. If it isn't, then it might be a concern for you to look at and possibly edit. c:

Note: When Martin talks, I immediately start to scan your writing... because his dialogue is a lecture, and to be frank, also boring. Your other characters are interesting and I love hearing what they have to say! But with Martin, not so much. Perhaps shorter talks from him, with more input from other characters while he's explaining?

One other thing I'm noticing here is that they get on this bus, find their seats... and then start talking. All other sideline things or the view outside, clattering of the bus or the driver peering back at them, other kids getting on the bus, etc.... I just think you're missing details that'd help build your chapter up instead of making it such a narrow focus on the dialogue, and less on building their world around them. I see little of the bus, little of the driver, hardly any details on what the four kids look like... and all I know is that they're geniuses and they're working on something medical.

I think you have a wonderful foundation for your book with your characters and a plot that, while is bloody confusing to me being in the second chapter and not knowing where it's going, seems to be quite deep and intriguing. All this talk about medical stuff and vampires - very fun, even though I'm not into all that. Once I got past the initial first sentences, the book really did pull me in and I had fun through the chapter - going through your characters and what they had to say. One thing I will say about your characters: they're unique, you can tell who is talking even without the dialogue taglines, and you build up the characters and their descriptions as we go through the chapter. I love that. Keep it up.

~Darth Timmyjake




Ventomology says...


Twelve? Really? Oh dear... that's probably not the impression I was going for. I've always thought the words 'teen' and 'teenager' sounded kind of weird in my writing, so I avoid them, but I see now that's going to have to change. Sorry!

And you're definitely right about Martin. I've read some books with lovely pieces of explanatory dialogue, but emulating them is hard. Thanks for the input!

As always, you deliver excellent reviews. I'll be keeping these points in mind as I continue. Thank you so much!




Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop