I think Martin is my favorite character. I wonder what's up with him, though? I'm worried he might have somehow been turned into a vampire, because he's having such an odd sensitivity to blood in this chapter.
Wednesday, 15:00, route 40 eastbound
Martin cannot focus on his book. He ought to find it intriguing—it’s a brief history of nuclear sciences and how they brought about a new class of powerful folk—but the black and white of ink and paper keep turning his thoughts to dried blood on pale skin.
As the bus rumbles onto the highway, Martin snaps his book shut and drops it in his backpack. Closing his eyes, he crosses his arms and leans back, letting his chin drop to his chest because he’s too tall to rest his head on the seat. He inhales, hoping to calm whatever morbid part of his brain is engaged, but immediately, he buckles over and coughs.
“Whoa, there, kiddo,” Martin’s dad says from across the aisle. “Are you okay?”
Martin clears his throat and takes another shaky breath. “I’m fine.”
Normally, he would feel a twinge of guilt for lying to his dad, but all he can think about is the slight scent of rust meandering through the air and how his stomach feels like it might turn inside out. Tides of pressure crawl and slosh in his skull, leaving him dizzy with nausea.
“Are you sure?” Martin’s dad asks.
“Yeah. I’m okay.” Martin pauses to scratch his head before looking out the windows and watching the shrubs fly by. A few fences already mark the old Talisman property, and a lone billboard advertises a coming shopping mall, which must have been under planning before the land was even put up for sale.
“By the way, Dad,” he continues, “why did you call me yesterday? Did something happen at work?”
From her seat a few rows closer to the front, Mellie catches the line and straightens in her seat. She twists around, her armor and chainmail creaking, and cups a hand to her mouth. “Mr. Stevenson, didn’t you tell him about the incident at the bus station?”
“What incident?” Martin asks.
Egged on by Mellie’s unimpressed glare, Mr. Stevenson gulps and offers a strained smile. “Well, Mellie and Rick were under the impression that you were followed by a vampire yesterday and might have been attacked, so they told me to make sure you were alright.”
“One: there are no vampires in Franklin City. Two: why didn’t you tell me?”
“When you said you were fine, and that nothing had happened, I figured you didn’t need to know,” says Mr. Stevenson. He risks a glance at his son, only to find the boy scowling like he’s just sat through a very dry lecture on disproving the evolutionary theory. Mr. Stevenson sighs and laces his fingers together. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget that you’re grown-up enough to know what’s going on.”
A second of silence hangs in the air as Martin contemplates forgiveness, but before he can respond, Mellie’s clinking armor sets the conversation back into motion.
“In answer to your first point though, Martin,” she says, “you’re certainly right about there being no vampires now.”
Martin raises an eyebrow.
“The vampire Rick and I were so worked up about was run over in a freak traffic accident shortly after making it to the bus station from your stop. It was kind of weird to think he could be killed so easily, but when your dad told us you were fine, it started to make sense. Only a blood fast or turning can take away a vampire’s immortality, so if he died like that, there was no way you’d been attacked.”
“The only questions left are who’s been running over blondes all over town and how,” Mr. Stevenson adds, “and why that vampire got off at our stop yesterday.”
As Martin widens his eyes at the two mysteries laid out before him, his headache fades to a mere nagging pulse. Even the hint of blood in the air filters through his nose unnoticed. “You still haven’t solved those hit-and-run incidents?” he asks.
The adults both avert their eyes in embarrassment.
“Even though I saw it happen,” Mellie says, “it was too sudden to really understand. There was just a wave of air, and suddenly the vampire was dead. It was almost like a cartoon.”
Mr. Stevenson twiddles his thumbs before adding on. “The witnesses we interviewed about the other accidents said the same thing. We know there’s a vehicle involved because of the coroner’s autopsy reports, but nothing so far has narrowed the field on the cause of the invisibility.”
“With information like that, you can’t even tell if the perpetrator is one of the powerful folk,” Martin says. “Your best bet is to figure out the motive and work from there. If the only common attribute between the victims is physical appearance though, you might be dealing with a madman.”
In the ensuing lull, the bus glides off the highway, and the engine’s whirring softens to a quiet buzz. Mr. Stevenson squeezes his eyes shut, and his hands, still clasped together, are cold with sweat.
“Martin,” he says, voice low, “I know you’re almost an adult, and I have a hunch you could solve this case in my place, but try not to get too involved, okay? You have school, and I don’t want you getting hurt while out sleuthing. Besides, some people here won’t take kindly to a big black boy wandering around by himself.”
Martin stiffens. The mystery is tantalizing, but he can’t let his dad worry. He takes a deep breath and lets the tang of iron flutter through his nose.
“I won’t get involved.”
I think Martin is my favorite character. I wonder what's up with him, though? I'm worried he might have somehow been turned into a vampire, because he's having such an odd sensitivity to blood in this chapter.
... Darn... I'm late...
I need to start putting more focus into this website and not just dropping by to post a not-exactly-half-but-definitely-not-full-effort'ed chapter into the weekly submissions thread.
Um... I forgot what I named this section... Let's just call it 'Notes on the Writing Itself' for now.
I applaud your description on how Martin is feeling. Noob as I am, I have trouble with describing internal pains well, but you pull it off as well as I'd expect. It's not extended paragraphs of description, it's what is it in real life: the uncomfortable feelings that you try (and sometimes fail) to push aside for the matter at hand.
I approve of similes and metaphors. Gud.
Comments and Impressions!... On Plot Stuff. Yeah.
1. Martin, are you sure you weren't attacked by the, or at least a, vampire? I believe that constantly thinking about or noticing blood, along with nausea, is not good for you.
2. Before, I wasn't completely sure where this was going, but you presented this mystery well. It intrigues me and is yet not too forceful.
3. I do love the balanced mix of description and dialogue in this chapter. Sighs... People like you are the standard for my future goals.
4.
NEEEEEEEEEERDDDD although I have no right to say things when I read what is basically a history textbook for fun......it’s a brief history of nuclear sciences and how they brought about a new class of powerful folk...
The final chapter, woohoo! (Well, the final chapter you have released thus far - obviously it will be many months more before this novel is finished.) It took me long enough.
Notes
1. Again, no notes! Though I am sad I must leave this section of the review empty, that at least means I don't have any suggestions on how to improve this particular chapter.
Impressions
1. An ominous start to a chapter that not only indicates post-traumatic stress disorder, but that also reveals a little history about your world. Clever.
2. I started feeling sympathetic for Martin, since it certainly seemed like he was around when the vampire attacked someone, if he wasn't the victim himself, but sheesh, he is cheeky! He can now also find himself at Ferrell and Dorian's annoyance level.
3. Martin's reaction makes me think the vampire did attack him, but the vampire himself had said he had yet to turn someone, so that doesn't make sense. The answer will probably be revealed later in the chapter.
4. Hah, I was right - it was an invisible car! But yeah, that does pose a problem for any platinum blonde pedestrians. It seems that invisble things are hardly ever fully invisible, but that shimmer won't help you at all if you aren't looking for it.
5. Martin is black? Although that definitely differs from the way I visualised him, it doesn't affect the story or my opinion of him at all. In fact, he's still in line for being catapulted into a tank of hagfish - and trust me, those are gross.
I have caught up! And though this is difficult to believe, I'm actually the first one from Team Striprime to have reviewed it! Now I just have to do the same with the other two's chapters and maintain this state of being up to date. Anyway, well done on a great chapter!
Hey, I'm here to review! 
It's been a while since I review this novel chapters. '^'
#NaRevWriMo #ReviewDay #GoTeamBigBang
Anyway, I like how this story is leading us too. It has the vibe of suspense in it, and the headache Martin's been experiencing feels like something more to it. I'm pretty sure it is indeed like that but I guess I've to read further to know! Good job on making this mystery about the vampire's death. Until now - as far as I've read - I'm confused on what's the focus of this novel.
I think I missed something about Mr Stevenson and Mellie - are they cops or something? I also wonder why Mellie wears an armour? Is that like an official clothes or does she ordered for it a long time ago? Little tidbits like this can be interesting. Maybe I need to read the previous chapters but an expansion of what Stevenson and Mellie's jobs are would be nice.
I notice your novel has many perspectives to the point where I don't know who's the main character is. Personally, I like it this way because the focus isn't just on the main character and every character is given equal importance and focus and it doesn't make me have to follow all the main character does.
Anyway, keep up the good job!
Hello there! I'm here to review your piece. I am a nitpicker, but don't take it personally. You can take or leave any of my advice 
The first sentence is very intriguing. It pulls the reader in.
"As the bus rumbles onto the highway, Martin snaps his book shut and drops it in his backpack. Closing his eyes, he crosses his arms and leans back, letting his chin drop to his chest because he’s too tall to rest his head on the seat."
Wow, what amazing control, you word wizard!
"Really though, he knows he isn’t." I might change this up a bit. Perhaps something like "In reality, he knows he isn't fine," for instance.
"Tides of pressure crawl and slosh in his skull, leaving him dizzy with nausea." Beautiful line!
“The vampire Rick and I were so worked up about was run over in a freak traffic accident shortly after making it to the bus station from your stop."
I would add a "that" after "vampire," like this: "The vampire that Rick and I were so..."
"Mr. Stevenson twiddles his thumbs before adding on." Cut the "on" at the end and add a comma like so: "...before adding,"
“I know you’re almost an adult, and I have a hunch you could solve this case in my place, but try not to get too involved, okay?"
This is such a tiny, perhaps unnecessary nitpick, but I would change "in my place," to "at my place." It just flows more casually for some reason that way, or maybe it's just a stylistic preference?
I like the ending a lot!
I haven't read any of the other chapters/parts to this story, but it's captivating! I was on the edge of my seat, and I like your writing style. You have such a natural way with words, I can see how talented you are just by reading this!
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon
Heyo, a Stormy planet has arrived for a fancy review. Happy Review Day!
The way you started out this chapter/part is quite nice. I like the describing words used in this, and a nice vocabulary is always needed for the effect of imagery to come across the reader. This story also peeks my interest because of how well it's worded. Kudos to you!
Really though, he knows he isn’t.
there was no way you’d been attacked.”
“The only questions left are who’s been running over blondes all over town and how,”
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