z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 1.09)

by Ventomology


Wednesday, 11:30, route 36

Rick sighs in satisfaction as two well-dressed office workers step off the back exit of his bus. He has finally managed five waking hours without having to deal with any stressful situations regarding the powerful folk. As he pulls back onto the road, he soaks up the quiet bliss that comes of tranquility and relaxes in the seat.

His happiness is immediately ruined. Someone’s phone pings out a guitar riff from an old rock tune, and Rick scowls into his rearview mirror to see who disturbed his peace.

No one from the multitude of suit-wearing men and women even checks their pockets; they’re too professional for funky ringtones. In the very back, Mr. Pyus grins at nothing, acting as though he hasn’t even heard the cell phone ring. This leaves only a blonde woman in a leopard print coat, who, instead of checking her coat or digging through her purse (also leopard print), merely snaps her fingers, sending a phone sliding out from under her sleeves.

Rick grimaces and devotes his full attention to the road again. He’s had enough weird for a decade.

Ignorant of those who might watch, the woman presses the phone to her ear. She flinches a second later, faux fur shivering like it’s actually part of her.

“Oh, this is a surprise,” she says. “I wasn’t expecting you to call so soon, sir.”

She pauses.

“Wait, what? You can’t be serious. I invested money in this plan, and you’re telling me the deal is off? I already secured the first half!”

The people standing near the woman shuffle about to give her space. Her face scrunches as she listens to the man on the other end of the line, and her cheeks flush a dangerous, hot pink.

“The second half is set to finish shipping by the end of the week. I just have to be there when the package is delivered, and I’ve already got the mail routes memorized.”

By now, the woman has a circle of empty space around her. It’s a good thing too, because she starts waving her arms and swinging her purse.

“So you changed your plans and you’re not even telling me why,” she hisses. “Thanks a lot, sir. I really appreciate it. I suppose if you won’t take the chess set, I’ll just sell it to someone else. There are plenty of people in the world who’d kill for an antique like this.” She pauses again. “No, I will not tell you how I acquired the set. Good day to you, sir.” Then, hand still raised by her ear, the woman drops her phone into her coat sleeve and huffs. “I can’t believe I wasted two weeks on this job,” she mutters.

A moment later, Rick pulls the bus to a stop, and the majority of the office-workers disembark. Unlike the kids during the school rush, they exit single-file, their faces glum with the prospects of returning to work.

The leopard print woman takes advantage of the free seats right away, crossing her arms and collapsing onto the cushions. She glares out the windows, hardly noticing when all the business people have stepped off, and the bus begins rolling again. Even when Mr. Pyus staggers down the aisle and reseats himself across from from the woman, her stare doesn’t waver.

Leaning forward as far as he can, Mr. Pyus waves a hand in front of the woman’s face, and she jumps back, wrinkling her nose as soon as she sees him.

“What do you want?” she snaps.

“Oh, just wondering what’s gotten such a nice young lady so frustrated.”

The woman narrows her eyes for a moment before turning and glowering at the bus’s back window. She moves her purse to her lap and tilts up her chin, looking every bit like the haughty lady villains in old-fashioned spy movies.

“You know, ma’am,” Mr. Pyus says, ignorant of the fact that he has just been ignored, “sometimes the best way to get back at someone is to smile at them. Let them know that even though they tried to hurt you, you were too strong for them. That’s what the One God tells us to do.”

Mr. Pyus then pushes himself to his feet and stumbles to the back door, sliding a hand along the top handrail that circles the bus’s interior. “Driver!” he shouts. “Could I get off at the next stop?”

Rick groans. How Mr. Pyus has never grasped the concept of stop request buttons, no one will ever know. Nonetheless, Rick pulls over a few blocks later and watches Mr. Pyus stumble off the bus.

“May the One God bless you all!” he shouts, waving so that Rick has to wait before closing the door.

Two women in blazers and dress pants board at the front, chatting about the newest lunch places in the old part of town. Rick lets a smile rest on his face as their change clangs like a steel drum band in his fare bin. He’s had enough of listening to weird conversations and people.

“Oh, I heard that old Mr. Talisman opened up some kind of business in that area as well,” one of the women mentions.

Rick’s smile vanishes, and leopard print lady smirks. For him, this information is a surprise that can’t be passed off as coincidence.

For her, it’s the first step towards revenge.


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Tue Sep 29, 2015 8:54 am
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Three chapters to go, then I'm done! Of course, then I still have Tort's and Ender's chapters to review, and I have to write them all today, if I want to complete (Inter)National Review Writing Month, but tomorrow's exam will definitely complicate things. Oh well.


Notes

1. I found a note! It concerns your capitalisation of "sir". However, since I already dealt with this matter in another review, I'm shamelessly going to quote it:

AstralHunter wrote:When the rank appears in front of the name, e.g. "Captain Allison", the rank is capitalised, as well as when it is used as a form of address, e.g. "Yes, Lieutenant?" It is also capitalised when the rank is named, e.g. "You have been promoted to Sergeant." However, when the rank is simply used to refer to someone, it is NOT capitalised, e.g. "The general strode into the war room." and "He is just a corporal."

Sir is a tricky one; when it appears in front of someone's name, e.g. "Sir Gavin Langton", it is capitalised, but it is not capitalised when used as a form of address, e.g. "Your mail has arrived, sir."


2. Two notes? Huh. Anyway, at the scene where the workers disembark, you used an ellipsis. That's fine, since I love ellipses, it's just that you used two full stops instead of three.


Impressions

1. Ah, so Leopard Lady is a powerful person as well. I'd say I was surprised, but I've reviewed enough of your work simply to take it in my stride. What would be awesome, though, is if she was in fact a bipedal leopard. If a dragon and spirits can adopt a human form, I suppose anything can. (The "faux fur shivering like it’s actually part of her" part only further heigtens tis suspicion.)

2. I find it extremely amusing how the passengers instinctively know Leopard Lady is the type to use exaggerated gestures. I can just imagine the scene... XD

3. The wrinkling of Leopard Lady's nose is another clue, methinks... Also, Mr Pyus seems to have settled at Ferrel's level, but we'll see. (His obliviousness is fun to read about, though.)

4. The plot thickens...


Apparently, loitering is a punishable offence, so on to the next review!

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Ventomology says...


Ack! Mistakes! I shall fix those this afternoon.

By the way, does the 'sir' rule apply to other formalities like mister, miss, and Madame?



BrumalHunter says...


It does, yes.



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Thu Sep 17, 2015 6:01 am
EnderFlash wrote a review...



I'm loving Mr. Pyus so. damn. much. If you kill him, I swear I'll kill you.

Mr. Pyus says, ignorant of the fact that he has just been ignored

I applaud the whole double-words thing. I once wrote "punched it in its faceless face" and it felt like the best thing ever; I don't even know why. For the same inexplainable reasons, I love this line too.

I appreciate the last line too, but I can't deny the slight off-ness of switching perspectives. We never saw her thoughts before, and suddenly, here it is. Still, the mysterious insight it gives is cool.

Eh, BlueAfrica covered my only other thing about the passengers moving aside for the lady, but I am a terrible person to judge because I've been on a public bus less than 10 times my entire life. Or something like that; I can't even remember.


plz keep this up and i'll wanna draw fanart of mr pyus




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 10:54 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Intriguing last line there.

It does raise a question (other than “ooh, intriguing, what will happen next”), which is: Are Divinity & Co. the main focus of this story, or does it follow multiple characters? I’m not trying to ask in a spoilery kind of way, just more like – this lady is obviously bad news, but is she the kind of bad news that Divinity, Willow, and Drake are going to have to worry about or is she bad news of a different plot line? I like the idea that the story will follow different characters who are connected just because they all use the same bus, but I’m not sure if you’re doing that or if this is The Villain in a more straightforward storyline.

My only other note for this chapter is that I think it kind of strange that the other passengers give this lady a wide berth simply because she’s talking angrily on the phone. People who ride public transit regularly enough are used to odd/rude/obnoxious/slightly scary co-passengers. Of course, I might just think this because most of my experience with public buses are the buses in Detroit, but still. I think it’s a fairly general rule, as people who ride buses are people mostly without cars, which in many – though I realize not by any means all – cases means people who can’t afford cars, so you can get homeless people, people with mental issues…and certainly even of the people who could afford cars but prefer public transit for one reason or another, there are going to be some of them who have no concept of being polite to their fellow passengers, so regular riders are going to be used to that sort of thing.

Now, since this lady is obviously Bad News, you could always show that the people kind of move away from her because they’re getting a bad vibe – not merely “Oh no, she’s upset and yelling at someone on the phone and their business transaction sounds kind of shady from this end of the conversation anyway,” but more of a…like just the atmosphere of the bus ride changes and people start getting kind of a Bad Feeling about this lady, if you know what I mean.

Which might even be what you were going for in the first place, but it didn’t read that way. So just something to consider.

Enjoyed it, as ever!

BlueAfrica




Ventomology says...


I'm glad you found the last line interesting!

And in answer to your question, Public Bus does follow a pretty wide selection of characters. Divinity & co. probably show up the most (aside from Rick), but I wouldn't say it's their story.

And you're probably right about the reaction to the Evil Lady. The bus drivers where I live kick off anyone caught swearing, so my perspective might be skewed.

Thanks for the review!



BluesClues says...


Wow. You must live in a place with REALLY nice public buses...




When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind