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Young Writers Society


12+

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 1.07)

by Ventomology


Tuesday, 15:30, route 42

The moment Rick crawls to a stop and pulls up the bus’s parking brake, a clatter of metal washes down from the back of the bus. Mellie staggers down the stairs, her hair on fire and thick, coal plant smoke pouring out of her ears. Her eyes are wide, and she uses one trembling hand to point outside the bus windows.

“T-the, weirdo who got off with Martin,” she rasps, “they’re out there. Right now.”

Rick wants to ask Mellie to literally cool down, but he turns to follow her finger instead. Someone in a cape and hood is indeed wandering the bus station, but since no one saw a face on the bus, and Rick can’t see one now, there’s no guarantee this is the same person.

A sudden gust of wind rattles the bus, and the hooded stranger’s cape flutters up to reveal classy dress pants, the kind with the stripes of ribbon running down the sides, and shiny, black loafers. When a second breeze blows past, the stranger’s white and red vest comes into full view, and his hood falls back.

Rick blinks. He’s seen this man. One of the kids on the bus that morning had tricked the hood off of some fellow uninformed enough to ride during the school rush, and the long, blonde ponytail and pale skin were exactly the same.

One of Mellie’s hands finds its way to Rick’s shoulder and squeezes.

“That’s a vampire,” Mellie says. She gulps. “Look, he’s already burning. I wonder why he’s not putting his hood back up.”

Rick says nothing, only watches as a longer, steadier wind swirls through the station, sending the vampire’s smoke spiraling in the air and showing his stylish outfit again. Then Rick’s breath hitches. The red on that vest is blood.

“Y-you know, Mellie,” Rick says, “even though I still don’t think that’s the guy who got off the bus with Mr. Stevenson’s kid, we should probably make sure the boy’s okay anyways.”

“I told you so,” Mellie replies, though her voice shakes on each syllable. She fumbles with the screen of her phone, swiping to see if she has Mr. Stevenson’s home number listed, but she ends up calling his cell phone instead. Eyes still trained on the vampire, she holds the speaker to her ear and waits through the rings.

The vampire pauses, and though he doesn’t face Rick’s bus, Mellie swears she can feel him looking her way. A second later, her fear is confirmed, for he begins stalking towards the bus.

“Mellie,” Rick breathes, “what do I do? He’s coming this way. He can't drink my blood now! I still have ten trips left, and my kids are cooking tonight.”

Mellie’s phone beeps; she’s connected. Mr. Stevenson’s deep voice crackles over the line, rumbling with confusion.

“Melody? What’s wrong? If there’s an emergency, you’re supposed to call an actual police number.”

Rick shivers in his seat, fidgeting and eyeing the bus controls as though he might decide to start the next route early. “Mellie,” he whines.

“Err, Rick will explain,” Mellie splutters. Shoving her phone at Rick’s ear, she dashes off the bus, one hand hovering over the handle of her rapier. The armor strapped over her coveralls clanks and rattles, but she is still quick as light.

Rick gulps and adjusts the phone on his ear. “Mr. Stevenson?” he asks.

“Rick? What’s going on? Why did Melody call me and not the dispatcher?”

Outside, Mellie slides to a stop in front of the vampire. She makes a few vague gestures, but Rick can’t hear what she’s saying. Mr. Stevenson repeats his question.

“Um, well, Mellie thinks a vampire attacked your son, but we didn’t actually see anything, so, uh, yeah.”

“Hold on, a vampire? There aren’t any vampires registered in this city. You and Mellie are overreacting, and I know Martin can handle himself in front of the powerful folk.”

Rick gulps, trying to force down the lump in his throat. Through the window, he sees Mellie crouching in a fight stance, sword in hand. Her armor glints in the low afternoon sun, glowing blue and gold. What the heck did she say to that vampire?

“Um, I guess the vampire is unregistered. Anyways, I don’t think Mellie will calm down until she knows your boy is safe. She looks ready to burst into flames right now.”

“Is that why she had you talk to me?”

“N-no,” Rick stammers. “She is, or was, talking to the vampire.”

“Was?”

Wincing, Rick wishes he had picked an occupation in a call center instead of as a bus driver. There’d be less chance of dealing with stressful situations in person. “Yeah,” he says. “Was. Should I call the emergency number?”

“Please do,” Mr. Stevenson replies, “and I’ll make sure Martin’s okay while you’re at it.”

The conversation ends without a goodbye, and a soft click tells Rick that Mr. Stevenson has hung up. Frantic, Rick jabs at Mellie’s phone to bring up a number pad. He dials the police dispatcher and waits, wide-eyed, watching the exchange between Mellie and the vampire.

They circle each other slowly, both poised to either attack or defend at a split-second’s notice. Then, at a moment when Mellie’s back faces Rick’s bus, the vampire leaps. He grabs for Mellie’s shoulder, intending to vault over her, but she ducks and stabs at his chest first. The vampire crumples and drops to the ground.

A voice echoes in Rick’s ear, making him jump in his seat. He nearly forgot he was calling the police.

“Hello, this is the Franklin City Police Department. What is your emergency?”

“Oh, uh, there was a magical brawl at the East Side bus station just now. I think it’s over though.”

The fight certainly looks over. Mellie has tied up the vampire in his cape and is now standing over him, arms crossed, uncertain of what to do next.

“Would you mind describing the powerful folk engaged in the brawl?” asks the man on the police side of the phone.

Rick scrunches his face, trying to remember Mellie’s last name. “Yeah, sure. There’s a fire witch named Melody Brimston, and a vampire.”

“Sir, there are no vampires registered in this area. We do have Melody Brimston in the database though. She’s an officer of the law, yes?”

“Uh-huh.”

“We’re sending several officers to interrogate Miss Brimston and take her opponent into custody. Does there seem to be any kind of space-clearing magic in use?”

Though unsure of what exactly space-clearing magic is, Rick informs the man that the area is unusually quiet.

“There is magic then.  Well, as a witness, we ask that you please sit tight until the police arrive, so you can provide contact information, should we require additional testimony. Any further questions?”

Rick glances at the clock on his dashboard. “Yeah, I’m actually a bus driver, and I need to leave soon. Can I just give Melody my contact info?”

“I highly advise that you stay put, Sir.”

Or in other words, he’ll be pestered if he doesn’t. Sighing, he thanks the man on the phone and hangs up before standing and calling for Mellie. She jogs over, leaving the squirming bundle of vampire and cape behind.

“Here’s your phone,” Rick says. He holds it out, and she takes it, one eyebrow raised, silently asking a question.

“No. Mr. Stevenson hasn’t called back yet. I doubt he’ll be much longer though— Hey!”

The vampire bursts from his cape, leaving a mess of black, satin confetti on the pavement. Immediately, he is burning again, black smoke drifting from his head. He points at Mellie and cackles, and his long, exaggerated canines gleaming like a starved wolf’s.

“Fine then, witch girl!” he shouts. “Protect your friend! I’ll just find someone else to turn before I die!” The vampire spins on his toes and races off, prompting Mellie to mutter a comment about pirouettes and chase him across the bus station.

Rick reaches for his radio so he can relate the past five minutes to his boss and ask for a substitute, but he stops. Mellie staggers to a stop as well, just before reaching the street. She hunches over, clutching her stomach and holding a hand over her mouth.

The vampire is a stain on the asphalt, bulldozed flat by thin air.


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Mon Sep 28, 2015 9:38 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



The final part of chapter one at last!

Well, I'm excited to see what happens next, and judging from the glimpses I stole from the other reviews, it will be an interesting chapter indeed.


Notes

1. When Melody stammers about "the weirdo", you indicate the slight stammer by writing "T-The", but you must keep in mind the sounds that are concerned. When you pronounce "the", it's not a t-sound you hear, but the forceful th-sound. (I say forceful because the th-sound in "breathe" is different from the softer th-sound in "breath".)


Impressions

1. Wow. That is an interesting chapter, although I am about as confused as I am intrigued. I'll just start with the first impression and pick up on that later: I was puzzled why Melody would say the hooded figure is a vampire, but then I remembered that Divinity was the one who had noticed it earlier.

2. I've never seen a blood-stained shirt up close, but I assume you can tell it's blood by the viscosity and the particular shading.

3. Rick the busdriver is adorable. A vampire is approaching him and his bus, but his worries are for the trips he still has to make and for his children, not for himself. I think he's the innocent character you find in many novels. (Don't kill him though, since that never bodes well for the author.)

4. I keep forgetting Melody wears armour. I'll have to make a mental note about that.

5. Ooh, vampires need to be registered? That's definitely original, but also highly practical - two qualities I'd readily associate with you.

6. As rude as Martin is, it would be tragic if he were to meet his end at the hands - or rather fangs - of a vampire, especially since they can be particularly savage and bloodthirsty. (That was weak, but I had to give it a shot, okay.)

7. Why is an emergency operator asking for confirmation about an individual's status as a police officer? They ought to know things like that! And interrogate is such a harsh word; it makes her sound like a suspect. Besides, shouldn't police officers hand in a statement of what had occurred?

8. That pirouette comment is quite amusing.

9. So the vampire was run over by an invisible car? What...?


So yeah, like I said - this chapter was very interesting, but very confusing too. I'm actually glad that I'll read all about it in your response tomorrow (once again, it is too late over here for me to review everything in one go), since then I can be fully informed when I read chapter two. Anyway, see you tomorrow!

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Ventomology says...


AHAHAHA! You will see what happens to poor Martin. I have excellent things planned for him when I reach Friday.

I'll fix the phonetics. Thanks for the review! Remember to catch up with Ender and Tort too.



BrumalHunter says...


Of course! Though I may have too many simultaneous projects, I know I must take things one at a time. (Poor Martin.)



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Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:25 pm
EnderFlash wrote a review...



My gosh you're fast (compared to us, anyways).

I wonder what/who killed him, because wow, what a death. Did it get Mellie, too?

--

Something feels off about Mellie's panicked reaction in the beginning. I'm not completely sure what, so let's go through that paragraph, for both you and I's sake. EDIT: I just realized that this is basically what Lightsong said, except wayyy more detailed. I assure you that it was an accident >_>

Mellie staggers down the stairs, her hair on fire and thick, coal plant smoke pouring out of her ears.
Alright, fine. I associate this reaction with anger, usually, especially since she did it out of anger only last chapter and extreme flames & smoke = anger, but I guess it can erupt due to shock, too.

Her eyes are wide, and she uses one trembling hand to point outside the bus windows.
Aha. Putting this on its own, it seems like she's surprised or scared. Of course she would be, for Martin's sake, but her expression doesn't seem to hold any tint of anger, so it looks like she's scared of the vampire himself. Which wouldn't garner such a reaction, because she fights it later. I'm not going to quote any more, but she does similar shaking movements later.

So it starts for anger, then completely jumps to plain fear. It just... doesn't feel like she's scared for reasons other than her own safety. It really does seem like Mellie's angry at the vampire for possibly harming Martin -she does engage in a fight with him pretty quickly-, and Rick talks like she is, but she doesn't act like it.

Stupid analysis over. I'm sorry; this isn't a huge problem. It just nagged at me, especially Rick's words.

--

I'm not completely sure what the metal clattering thing is at the beginning, and how that kind of sound washes down. I was thinking the phone, but Mellie still has it for dialing Mr. Stevenson.

Speaking of Mr. Stevenson, he's a pretty calm man, isn't he? That's a nice trait, unlike in some stories where everyone freaks out ASAP.

That's about it. The only real problem for me with this chapter was Mellie's reactions, so you're doing pretty good.




Ventomology says...


Sometimes I forget that I need to remind people that Mellie wears armor. Oops.

Thanks for the review!



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Thu Aug 27, 2015 1:43 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm Lightsong here for a review! Please do check my signature to find the link of my review shop if you want some review. ;)

So, HopelessAbandon has already covered up the grammatical errors in this story. Following this story since chapter one part one and stopped somewhere in the middle (>.>) I find that you have the ability to grip the reader's attention... quite easily! This chapter for example is started with a setup to something bigger. I didn't think Mellie would actually fight the vampire. My first impression of her here isn't that of courageous and instead more to afraid of the vampire.

The action, although pleasant since Mellie won, is quite short for my taste. So the vampire tried to attack, Mellie ducked, and stabbed him. That is basically the gist of the fight. You're aiming for an Action/Adventure story, so more action is always better! :D And even if you want to keep it like that because the vampire is out on the sunlight, give us reasons as to why he's so weak. I feel like the thrill here is cut short because of the lack of action - there is action, but a bit of it.

That is all. Sorry for making this review short, but this is everything I can say about this subchapter. I feel like you can do more to make it more interesting, although it is interesting as of now. I like how this story isn't aiming to be deep and stick to its beauty of simplicity. Keep up the good job! :D




Ventomology says...


Ah... maybe I should've put it under mystery/suspense then? Honestly, the actions scenes are few and far between, but I feel like the mystery isn't really explicit enough for the genre either.

Thanks for the review!



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Wed Aug 26, 2015 7:51 pm
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hello! You're my 75th review! Yay! :p

Sorry to say that I have not read the previous chapters. I may go back eventually to read them, but for right now, I only have time for a short review. :)

and the hooded stranger’s cap

I think you meant "cape".

shiny, black loafers

You don't need a comma in-between these two.

I can’t have my blood eaten now!

This sounds awkward. Vampires drink blood, they don't eat it, because it isn't solid.

“Hold on, a vampire? There aren’t any vampires registered in this city. You and Mellie are overreacting, and I know Martin can handle himself in front of the powerful folk.”

His thought process is really quick here. He hears they think he's a vampire, and then without even considering the though he jumps to the idea that they are overreacting. I don't know, but this sounded a bit strange to me. Could just be me though.

“Please do,” Mr. Stevenson replies, “and I’ll make sure Martin’s okay while you’re at it.”

Does he suddenly believe them now? Or is a it a just in case kind of thing?

“There is magic then, Well,

I believe the first comma should be a period.

leaving a mess of black, satin confetti

There doesn't need to be a comma after "black".

General comments:

It seems like you tend to use commas in places where you don't necessarily need them. I would just read your work out loud and see where you pause in your head, and if you don't pause in a particular spot, you probably don't need a comma there. :)
I really enjoyed your characters! Even though I don't have too much backstory on them, they're likable and I don't have to know their backstories to know that I want to keep reading about them. They're well developed from what I can see.
Your storyline is great as well. It's different than a lot of things you find now a days, and it's refreshing.
Great job! :D




Ventomology says...


Shame I didn't catch those errors sooner. Also, there is a rule which states that we require commas between two adjectives which describe the same thing and affect each other.

Thank you for the review!





There is a rule, but if the two adjectives can't be interchanged without changing how it sounds, there doesn't need to be a comma there. So for example, with the "black satin confetti", it sounds awkward if you "satin black confetti". It doesn't mean the same thing if you say it that way. Therefore, you don't need a comma there.
http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/educat ... adjectives
Here's a link with a great explanation. :)
As for the review - anytime!




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi