z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 1.06)

by Ventomology


Tuesday, 15:00, route 40 eastbound

Mr. Stevenson’s absence from the three o’clock bus disturbs everyone onboard. Martin pushes his face further into his book, Mellie sulks in the very back of the bus, and Rick spends the first half of his drive with his teeth clenched and his knuckles white. The only person unaffected is a hooded stranger who sits across from Martin, licking his lips every few minutes.

As Rick pulls off the highway and rolls onto a street lined with dumpy, dusty trailers, Martin snaps his book shut and lifts his head.

“Miss Mellie!” he shouts.

He earns a grunt of acknowledgement that sounds like a cross between ‘yes’ and ‘hmm.’

“Where’s my dad?”

Slowly, Mellie’s head rises from above the seat backs, her hair shooting up first like a candle flame. Where she inherited that brand of strawberry blonde, no one knows. She sends a cautious glance at the hooded person before cupping a hand to her mouth.

“He’s working overtime,” she shouts. “There was another hit-and-run this afternoon, so the police are sending out extra patrols just in case.”

Martin raises his eyebrows. “Another already?”

“Yeah, and it’s another platinum blonde. About the same kind of figure as Miss Talisman’s too, though I think most people look the same with their winter coats on. Someone must have a vendetta against good-looking blondes.”

“This isn’t an appropriate subject for humor,” Martin says. Staring past Mellie’s fiery hair, he runs his index finger along the spine of his book, savoring the embossing. And though he doesn’t speak further, he ponders the truth in Mellie’s jest. Hit-and-runs are some of the rarer auto accidents; a single incident will make headlines for a week as investigations reveal new evidence. To have two accidents on two consecutive days, with two victims, very similar in appearance, is no coincidence.

The biggest question for Martin is why the perpetrator has such a vendetta against blondes.

A minute later, a slight change in scenery outside the bus draws Martin’s attention away from his thoughts. Though the small, single-story houses that make up his neighborhood don’t look much bigger than the trailers, they are far neater. Tidy lawns, clean paint, and floral curtains peaking through the windows send out an air of quiet coziness.

Rick pays little attention to the houses, hardly thinking about anything at all as he pulls to the curb at Martin’s stop. This route so ingrained for Rick that he drums his fingers on the steering wheel and hums a jazz tune, only just remembering to look up at his mirror and watch the Stevenson boy step off the bus. When the gangly kid is off, it takes Rick a second to remember that Mr. Stevenson is not on, and in the moment that Rick pauses, he sees the hooded person stand. Rick is so thrown off he flinches; for years, the only people who ever used this stop were the Stevensons.

Mellie watches the scene as well, straightening in her seat, interest piqued. As the hooded figure strolls of the bus, she notes that they follow Martin’s steps up an intersecting road so lifeless that the normally bright houses are gray.

“Odd,” Mellie mutters. “I seem to remember making fun of Martin because his neighbors are always sitting on their porches to greet him.” But before she can devote much thought to the matter, the bus doors squeak to a close, and the engine putters to life. In a few seconds, the darkened street is blocks away, and Martin and the stranger drift out of Mellie’s head.

Eventually, the dainty houses of the Stevensons’ neighborhood are replaced by a long block of shops with their unlit neon signs hoisted up over each doorway. Most of the lots host dimly lit antique stores or ethnic restaurants, but on the very end, hanging over the blackened cement walls of an old accounting firm, is a giant, white poster advertising the grand opening of Talisman Consulting.

Mellie squints, leaning over in her seat and pressing her face to the window to watch backwards for as long as possible. She can’t have read that name right. Mr. Talisman’s only surviving descendant has just died, and he opens a consulting office?

“No,” Mellie whispers. “You’re looking into this too much. It was probably in the works for a while already. With a name like Talisman, anyone would open a consulting office.” She looks to the bus’s front mirror to see if Rick has noticed as well, but like any good bus driver, his eyes are trained on the road, face flat from focus.

Having no one with whom she can discuss Mr. Talisman, Mellie turns to her phone. She whips it out of her pockets and searches for a headline or website, forehead still digging into the window, even though Talisman Consulting is far beyond view.

Her first result is the office’s official website, so Mellie taps the link without bothering to read the subhead. She is taken to a page crafted from clean strokes of white, black, and tan with the hours and a phone number listed on a side column. The title is bold and professional, but it is a line under the company name that catches Mellie’s eye and makes her curl her lips in a snarl.

“Our mission is to help everyone resolve encounters with unruly powerful folk,” the line reads, somehow sounding excited despite the absence of punctuation and sensible, serif font.

A burst of rage sends literal smoke whooshing out of Mellie’s ears, and flames consume her already fiery hair. The urge to crush the phone in her hands shoots up her arms, just barely stopping at the wrist. Rick shouts a question Mellie’s way, but she ignores it.

“How dare he,” she hisses. “Does Mr. Talisman even know what he’s doing? There aren’t unruly powerful folk any more. We can’t escape the law any better than a regular person, so there’s no point in causing trouble. What an old-school ba—

Mellie chokes, a familiar hooded figure stealing her attention. Rick is just turning into the East-Side station, which lies a good five-minute drive from the Stevensons’ stop, yet somehow the stranger from the bus has arrived on foot in the same amount of time.  And heightened speed isn't exactly a common ability.

A tiny hint of relief taints Mellie’s fear when she realizes her phone is in tact, because she needs to call Mr. Stevenson right away.


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Mon Sep 28, 2015 5:03 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, Buggie!

As promised, I have returned to finish what I started, and I see there is another shiny, new chapter to review as well!


Notes

1. No notes, yay!


Impressions

1. Wow, these people are so settled into their routine, even something as small as a missing passenger disturbs them? Obviously, the vampire is the only one unaffected because he doesn't often ride the bus.

2. Now see, the hit-and-run story is worth their concern, so it's not Mr Stevenson's absence per se that causes the worry, but what it represents. But I also believe there is a plot against platinum blondes, as ridiculous as that sounds.

3. I'm glad you describe it that way, but I don't trust American suburban areas. There always seems to be more going on beneath the surface than the majority of people realise, so I'm happy to stay here. (Besides, practically all our houses are at least partly secure in the event of a zombie apocalypse. :P )

4. It would appear that it doesn't take a lot to upset or surprise Rick.

5.

“Our mission is to help everyone resolve encounters with unruly powerful folk,” the line reads, somehow sounding excited despite the absence of punctuation and sensible, serif font.

I'd click like for that line if it was possible, but since that would anyway imply conformity, I'll settle for saying I enjoyed reading that description.


As usual, your descriptions are fabulously crafted. (I think I've mentioned they are the aspect of your writing I enjoy most, but I'm not sure.) However, the tone strikes me as melodramatic. The passengers seem to be shocked by every second occurrence, and at almost the end of every chapter, save for the ones with Willow and Drake, there seems to be some ominous proclamation.

Don't think I don't enjoy the story, because I do, but perhaps dialling down on the drama a bit would be beneficial. I don't know, I may be the only one saying this, but it's just an observation. Do with it what you please.

Before I finish, I'd like to speculate as to Mellie's power: Is she a valkyrie? Most likely not, but I can't think of anything else that can catch fire and has supernatural strength. I suppose she could be a wraith or something like that, but wraiths are bad, so that can't be right either. I suppose I'll just have to see.

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Ventomology says...


Hmm, I don't think the drama of route 40 eastbound subsides until I start writing the Thursday scenes. I'm glad you enjoyed the rest of it though!



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Sun Aug 30, 2015 5:13 pm
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TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Wow, you certainly know how to make an impressive story. O_O. Well done, Buggie! :D I have to admit something; when I first saw this, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. However, after having read this chapter, I'm deeply surprised and in love with the story. In terms of your character and plot development, you did an excellent job covering numerous aspects of the characters, and the plot is absolutely wonderful. Better yet, despite the entire setting of the chapter being in and around a public bus, I don't feel like I'm being crammed into a small story or only experiencing but a fraction of the character's lives. I feel like I'm right in the midst of the action, and I'm eager to see more. Nice job!

...However, it wouldn't do the story justice to make such a short review, now would it? :P

My favorite part of the story, as it stands, has to be the wide variety of characters. Rick might just be an ordinary public bus driver, but I can't help but pity him; he's obviously got a lot of interesting and chaotic things happening around him. After all, there's the creepy hooded stranger who not only manages to follow Martin when he leaves, but also appears to be able to walk at a super fast speed, outrunning the bus when it arrives as another location. And now Mellie's going to be contacting a cop. Oh, this can only get crazier from here. XD

Mellie's also quite the interesting person. After all, she seems to possess incredible power; she made her hair catch fire as soon as she learned more about Mr. Talisman's business, and she had to restrain herself from crushing the phone. No wonder Rick shot that question; I'd be just as concerned as he is when I hear strange noises coming from the back of the bus. I also like how she acts as the character who advances the plot of the story. Rick always has to remain focused on the road, and he's so used to his route that not much fazes him. However, Mellie has the ability to observe her surroundings, such as the Talisman business, the creepy stranger, and other oddities in the area. She provides the questions the reader has in their minds, does her research and attempts to answer the said questions, and helps to develop the overall feeling of suspense and mystery that you so wonderfully convey.

In all, I find the story is amazing. Your characters each have a vigor and unique personality of their own, and I enjoy seeing them interact with each other. Your descriptions of the setting are immaculate, and I can quite easily imagine every single location that the bus passes by. The plot is also quite captivating, and the way that you provide a sense of mystery is exceptional. In all, I'm eager to learn more and see what happens to each of the characters, and see what kind of conflict appears in the future. After all, there appears to be a series of hit-and-run incidents (I laughed at Mellie's joke about the vendetta against blondes more than I should've. XD ), a creepy stranger, supernatural powers at play, and a growing sense of suspense and tension in the story. In conclusion, well done, Buggie; this story is exceptional! :D




Ventomology says...


Aww, thank you so much, Silver! (By the way, the vendetta against blondes is actually really important.) Hopefully you'll like the other characters just as much, because there are a lot of them.

Thanks again! (And go Zenith!)



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Tue Aug 25, 2015 7:40 pm
EnderFlash wrote a review...



A small nitpick: When Mellie is searching up Talisman Consulting, the way you just say 'her forehead still digging into the window' gives me the impression that her face is still pressed against it, which would make typing and reading something on a phone extremely hard. I'm pretty sure you meant that she moved her head, though.

Everyone has their own way of writing, but starting a sentence with 'but' or 'and' isn't usually nessecary. Stupid, I know, since I guarantee that I've done it a couple times before, especially in reviews. I was just taught that those connecting words belong in the middle of a sentence, and sentences that do start with them tend not to need them. Lines work well without 'em.

I like Mellie's fire thing. It shows some supernatural stuff occuring in the story, not in dialogue or somewhere off screen like Willow's. Yeah, I know Willow was a bunny, but she didn't do much more than talk to show the supernatural-ness.

So in general, this chapter caught my interest more than the previous ones. Can't wait to see what happens!




Ventomology says...


Hehehe... we're going to have some hardcore action in 1.7 :)




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— Creed, the Office