z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Chronicles of a Public Bus (part 1.02)

by Ventomology


Monday, 15:00, route 40 eastbound

The bus is empty when it pulls into the west-side station. After glancing in the wide, rear-view mirror to make sure no one is asleep on his bus, the driver reaches up to a punch pad above his seat and presses a few buttons. Then he falls back into his chair and gropes around for the cloth lunch sack slung over his seat. Everyone who rides the Forty-East at this time of day is a regular; they won’t mind watching him eat.

The driver is sinking his teeth into a deep red apple when the first of the regulars shows up. It’s a high school boy, probably, since the driver has seen this kid riding for years. Besides, it’s hard not to notice the kid. His height, lack of muscle, and dark skin make him a stick in every possible way.  Not to mention he also seems like a stick in the mud. As the boy sits down, the driver wonders if he’s ever seen the kid smile.

There is very little time for wondering though. A moment later, the bus is sent rocking. Metal clangs against the floor, and a petit lady wearing a bizarre mix of period fashions stands in the doorway, bus pass held to the driver’s face.

“Good afternoon, Rick!” she shouts.

“Afternoon, Mellie,” Rick mumbles. He wants to go back to eating his apple, but with the bus shaking so much, he’s not sure it’s a smart idea. “Have a good day?”

Mellie inspects the chainmail tunic draped over her flapper. “It was even more boring than usual. I rode around town with an un-powerful police officer and didn’t get to bust out the swords or anything. We didn’t even pull over any powerful folk.”

“Do you normally have to pull over some powerful folk?” Rick asks.

“Usually, there are at least two,” Mellie says. She plops into the seat next to the boy and fumbles with the sheath strapped to her waist. “Hey Marty, does your dad ever tell you stories about the powerful folks’ traffic violations?”

The boy slips a hand into his backpack and pulls out a book. “Mostly, Dad complains about you.” Then he buries his nose in the pages, leaving Mellie shivering with the frigid remark.

“You don’t need to be so blunt, Martin.”

Everyone turns to the front door, and Martin even looks up from his book. The man stepping onto the bus shares Martin’s height and skin, and though their eyes tilt differently, and the man is more filled-out and muscular than the son, the resemblance is clear.

“Though it is true that I mostly complain about whichever of the powerful folk employees I get stuck in my car. You included, Melody.”

Mellie crosses her arms and pretends to spit on the floor. “You’re almost as bad as your son, Mr. Stevenson. I can see where he gets it."

“Honesty is a virtue,” Mr. Stevenson says, and then he takes his seat, easing onto the cushion so slowly it’s as though he is reluctant to sit at all. Rick pulls the lever to close the door a second later, and the bus jerks to a start.

The scenery along the first section of route forty eastbound can be considered some of the dullest in existence, rivaled only by the American Plains. Between the two sections of town is a lone highway stretching over fifteen minutes of dry, tan dirt. The only greenery is the occasional, half-dead shrub.

Inside, Mellie stretches her arms, nearly whacking Martin’s face every time she switches positions. Her eyes are trained on the windows, and a pout grows on her face.

“I really wish Mr. Talisman would sell his land already,” she says, “or at least rent it out. I’m tired of looking at this hunk of dirt. Besides, if he doesn’t use it soon, he’s never going to make anything off it.”

Mr. Stevenson chuckles and scratches his head. “Just wait a few years. The man is past ninety, and it’s common knowledge that when his granddaughter inherits, she’s going to sell it all.”

“Marcy Talisman is going to be rich!” Mellie draws out the last word and adds a whistle to the end before bringing her elbows to the back of the seat and reclining. For a moment, it seems she might try to sleep, but a sudden jerk in the bus's motion sends her head shooting back up.  The bus is no longer moving.

“Yo Rick!” she shouts. “What’s the hold-up?”

“Traffic’s all jammed,” Rick says. “I see a few police cars and an ambulance, but no collision.”

Face curled in concern, Mr. Stevenson stands up to look out the front window. “You’re right. It almost looks like a hit-and-run.”

“That’s insane,” Martin says, not looking up from his book. “The only people who go walking around this stretch of road are the Talismans, and they know how to cross a two-lane highway.”

“Let’s just wait and see then,” Mr. Stevenson says. He stays standing, watching the accident drift closer as traffic crawls along the road.

Rick radios the bus office to inform his colleagues about the delay, and when he’s done listening, the bus is silent with worried anticipation. A pressure like that of a hundred disembodied spirits haunts the air.

Minutes later, Rick rolls the bus through the one lane open to traffic, and the passengers hold their breaths. Through the wide, low windows, they see a pink-stained stretcher being loaded onto an ambulance. The woman lying atop the sheets has her face twisted in pain, and the mask over her mouth and nose only accents her agony.

Martin and his father wince at the sight, Rick steels his face and looks only at the road, and Mellie gapes.

“Oh my god,” she whispers. “That’s Marcy Talisman.”


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Wed Sep 09, 2015 2:57 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

So, this review has been more than a month overdue... Nevertheless, I signed up for NaRevWriMo, so this will be killing two birds with the one metaphorical stone. Also, since it seems the other members of Team Striprime (yourself included) are using the notes-impressions format, I shall as well.


Notes

Notes are where I shall address any technicalities, such as frequent errors you may be making, odd sentence structures, and the like.

1. In your second paragraph, you say "high" instead of "tall", as one says in relation to people, and you wrote "make" instead of "makes".

And that's it for the notes. I had to reread a few sentences, but they were just a little long. (Funny that I should say that.)


Impressions

The title here is self-explanatory. Besides, nobody likes a review that doesn't address the true essence of writing.

1. The first thing I noticed is that you changed perspectives. That's an odd thing to do when you are only *checks* two parts into a seven part chapter, but since the parts are published separately, I suppose there's nothing wrong with it. (You would have inserted asterisks between this part and the previous one, yes? If so, ignore everything before the parenthesis.)

2. Ah, so powerful folk is what you're calling the "magical", "Talented" or "gifted" people. Interesting... At least I've never heard that one before.

3. You pay decent attention to your characters, but I especially enjoyed the scenery's description. Why does it sound familiar...? :P

4. I totally expected it to be Marcy. I just got that feeling that it would be her... Or it's because your foreshadowing is well-executed (probably the latter), but either way.

You introduce more characters here, which is nice, but I wonder what happened with Willow. If I'm not mistaken, she was still on the bus when it departed at the end of the previous part. Maybe some clarification would help smooth things over.


So, I finally reviewed another part! Hopefully, there won't be another month before the next one. But until then, keep being punny! ;)

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Ventomology says...


I reread the paragraph you picked out, but I don't think either of those nitpicks were wrong. Sorry!

1. Ah, I am purposely not calling my chapters chapters. With the way I divided the story, that way of separating things seemed rather cumbersome.

2. Thank goodness I get to be unique about the terminology for once.

3. Ha ha ha! You are referencing my constant complaints of my own hometown, no?

4. Thank you. :)

Well, it seems my work stays in the GR for a rather long time, so whenever you have time to review, you know where to look! (BTW, I will be updating Snap-Dragons sometime this month.)

Ciao!



BrumalHunter says...


I shall do so, and you're welcome!

I looked at the paragraph again and realised it should actually be "make", since it's several things being listed. However, when you refer to a person's length, you say they are [insert length] "tall". Inanimate objects, such as buildings or pillars, are "high".

Anyway, I hope to review another work on Monday.



Ventomology says...


Er... It was not referring to height? Should I have used a hyphen, since the adjective is "high school?"



BrumalHunter says...


*facepalm*

So that's what you meant! I think "high school-boy" might remove the possible ambiguity, yes. I suspect having high and school on separate lines has something to do with the confusion...



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Thu Aug 20, 2015 10:12 am
TinkerTwaggy wrote a review...



Finally, I can review this. Let's jump right into it I guess.

I. Impressions of the Shell Master!

A. More character presentations! Seriously though I really like how normal the situation is so far, it's great.

B. There's an accident, eh? Wonder how that'll turn out.

C. Well darn it, Marcy's dead. And I didn't even had to time to greet her :/

D. Kind of a short chapter, but that dramatic ending definitely makes us wanna read more. That and the characters are seem pretty likeable so far, so nothing to complain about.

E. Perfect grammar to my eyes - though as usual, I'm not exactly qualified to make any comment here. That and nitpicks have already been made, so you've got all the time in the world to correct your eventual mistakes.


Conclusion!

Short Review for a short chapter! That, and I didn't really have much to say. I liked the chapter, and I want to read more. What's more to add? Good job, Buggie! Nooooooooooow, on to Chapter 1.3 :D

~Shell Master Tortwag~




Ventomology says...


Oh! I'm sorry I didn't catch that you'd reviewed another chapter! I'm glad you liked it. :)

Thanks a bunch!



TinkerTwaggy says...


it's fine, I'm late anyway! I'll catch up whenever I can.

Ya welcome :D



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Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:55 pm
ulala8 wrote a review...



Oh crap oh crap! The crap hits the fan! I loved the dynamics between the all of the characters here, and they're all so colorful. I'm excited to see how this part relates to the previous one. I can feel the tension rising. This story is gonna be so great. Once more, I only have nitpicks for you.

For a moment, it seems she might try to sleep, but then she jerks up her head and leans forward. The bus is no longer moving.

Perhaps you could mention the bus jerking to a stop? Because it sounds as if the bus jerked to a stop, or the driver hit the break hard. Perhaps it should be: "For a moment, it seems she might try to sleep, but the driver it the breaks and stirs her. She jerks her head up and leans forward to see why the bus is no longer moving."
His height, lack of muscle, and dark skin make him a stick in every possible way.

Not to mention he also seems like a stick in the mud.

I think that the latter sentence should belong with the former since they have relating ideas. It seems strange to have them separate.
Other than that, I find no other errors. It was all very nice and I liked all of the characters, though I do have to wonder about the role of the "powerful folk" and the conversation where Mellie was introduced. I dunno. Perhaps you should reread it?
Great addition! Oh to the next one! :)




Ventomology says...


Thank you for the nitpicks! I'll get on those.



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 1:24 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, it's me to review! I like to be the first to review as well, but being second is fine. .u.

The driver is sinking his teeth into a deep red apple when the first of the regulars shows up. It’s a high school boy, probably, since the driver has seen this kid riding for years. Besides, it’s hard not to notice the kid. His height, lack of muscle, and dark skin make him a stick in every possible way.

Not to mention he also seems like a stick in the mud. As the boy sits down, the driver wonders if he’s ever seen the kid smile.


I think these paragraphs can do better being merged into one.

Metal clangs against the floor, and a petit lady wearing a bizarre mix of period fashions stands in the doorway, bus pass held to the driver’s face.


"... a bizarre mix of period fashions..." gives us something to imagine but doesn't really describe anything. Maybe you can tell me the combination of her clothes, plus accessories like hat and glasses and bags can give us an impression she is wearing a mix of different fashions by how different they are to each other.

“Usually, there are at least two,” Mellie says. She plops into the seat next to the boy and fumbles with the sheath strapped to her waist. “Hey Marty, does your dad ever tell you stories about the powerful folks’ traffic violations?”

The boy slips a hand into his backpack and pulls out a book. “Mostly, Dad complains about you.” Then he buries his nose in the pages, leaving Mellie shivering with the frigid remark.


I like this part. Gives some substance to the story.

The scenery along the first section of route forty eastbound can be considered some of the dullest in existence, rivaled only by the American Plains.


Isn't "forty eastbound" is a title of the route? Shouldn't you capitalize them? I dunno, I always get lost with the roads and what not.

Inside, Mellie stretches her arms, nearly whacking Martin’s face every time she switches positions. Her eyes are trained on the windows, and a pout grows on her face.


I like this part too. Seems like humour is your thing.

“Marcy Talisman is going to be rich!” Mellie draws out the last word and adds a whistle to the end before bringing her elbows to the back of the seat and reclining.


This is the second time I've read the phrase "draws out". Why don't you just say "says?" Why do you need "draws out"?

“Let’s just wait and see then,” Mr. Stevenson says.


You missed a comma before "then", I believe.

Now, let's get to the characters department. You have succeeded on making interesting characters - all of them are interesting in their own rights. I don't know who is the focus right now though. I would say it's Rick, that this chapter is in his point of view, but Mellie steals the attention sometimes, but I goes "sometimes" doesn't count as making her the main character here. It's just not clearly stated. I would like to know more of Rick's thoughts on the passengers, he's bound to have some.

The surprise at the end just hits at the right timing. Just after Melli said about Marcy, the woman got hit - well, I don't know what's actually happened, the scene wasn't described in details - and this accident would sure give rise to questions about what really happened. This is a cliffhanger, and I like it because you're drawing the readers' attentions to read the next chapter of the novel.

That's all. Keep up the good job! :D




Ventomology says...


I'll see about those nitpicks you mentioned, (and I have no idea about titling routes. I'll look it up.) so thank you very much!

Also, I am glad you thought the cliff-hanger was well-played.

Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 1:15 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



So, it all takes place on the school bus? I think I like that, because something so simple can show such a story, I hope we stay on the school bus for most or all of the journey, it's a fun ride.

So, we see Rick, which is a powerful-folk? I don't know yet, but I want to find out. I'm liking all of your characters so far, keep it up, I dunno how you do it. Maybe you're one of the powerful folk. (Squints)

I think I did by a slim bit like the first chapter better, but only by that slim bit.



And you leave us with a cliffhanger, I'm going to go cry.




Ventomology says...


The entire story will take place on Rick's bus, yes. (Whether or not he has the same bus for the whole thing, I have no guarantees.)

Thanks for the review!



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Sat Jul 25, 2015 6:28 am
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EnderFlash wrote a review...



I'M HERE.

Alright, so another wonderful chapter! I see that you're introducing more characters; Mellie is quite amusing. I wonder if she's the only one carrying medieval, or at least unusual, weaponry around, or if this story will take place in a 'unique' sitting.... Oh wait, there's that Fantasy tag. hahahahah-

I feel dumb, because I just realized that this story is about the bus, not what goes on afterwards. Anyways, this chapter all used terms that I'm familiar with, so no in-bus confusion there. Is Mellie causing the shaking in the beginning? It doesn't seem probable, but I don't know any other reasons and this is fantasy.

Jeez, Buggie, stop writing your chapters so well or I'll never be able to input anything helpful!

I'm just going to spam this review with impressions, then.

1. Rick might be a reoccuring character, being the driver and all. He seems cool.
2. I like the quaint feeling of this story. It's so normal yet interesting. This chapter and the previous one don't seem to be related, but I'm expecting for some of the characters to show up again at some point, or for something to tie them together eventually.
3. I don't know why, but I feel that at some point in this story, the bus will go through lots of physical trauma but come out with everyone relatively undisturbed and continue on its normal path. :D

Anyways, another great chapter! (And another not-so-great review x3x)




Ventomology says...


You're so fast! I totally wasn't expecting any reviews until the actual review day.

Also, all three of your impressions are dead-on, and exactly what I was going for. :)



EnderFlash says...


Oh right, the review day. It's summer, so I'm all over the place, meaning I like to be the first to review works .u.




It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind