People say its hard to find true love
I think its because its placed all above
My beloved, am I a part of you?
Because this is too good to be true
I'll spend drifting forever
As long as it gets me closer to you, what so ever
Memories become part of me
If there is love, use it to set me free
As the lone moon gets to be one with the sky
Don't use love as an alibi
As my heart gets colder and seemingly lost
Don't put it out in vain, let it not exhaust
Somewhere there lies a bright light
To shine through and make us let go of all our fright
As for now, I don't care if I lose my life
That's not the point of my sad little song
I have a future with you
For that, is all I long
Is it the beginning or the end?
Maybe, fate has given us a chance to amend
How could I ever stay away from you?
When you brighten up a part of me
Don't you think the other needs awakening too?
As thought's whizz past my mind
You make me feel confined
Always, it's you in my head
I can't see anything beyond or ahead
Lost in thought people may think,
All this is nothing but my thoughts that move faster than a blink
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is quite a nice poem. I like the way it tells a lovers story, and I can relate to it quite well with my current crazy relationship. The way you did the two lines is brilliant and they all seem to work quite well. I think my favorite line would be.
"Always, It's you in my head
I can't see anything beyond or ahead"
or
"Is it the beginning or the end?
Maybe. fate has given us a chance to amend"
They both sound great and I relate to them.
With this line though I get wear your going with it but it when you read it allowed it doesn't sound quite right to me.
"I'll spend drifting forever
As long as it gets me closer to you, what so ever"
Beautiful poem over all! I'd love to read some more of your work.
Thank you !
Yes, I suppose you're right. I'll try working harder. Thank you again
Hey, welcome to YWS! I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie!
I am here to review, and in this case, I think I wont go stanza by stanza.
Right of the bat, I realize you try and rhyme. I like it, but I feel like it is a LITTLE, but not a lot, forced. Try making it flow a little better. As well with your words, if you change the vocabulary a little, I feel this poem will be golden.
My favorite stanza is probably:
"As my heart gets colder and seemingly lost
Don't put it out in vain, let it not exhaust"
I know it is not the main focus point, but this stanza truly caught my attention!
The stanza that bugged me alot was the last one:
"Lost in thought people may think,
All this is nothing but my thoughts that move faster than a blink"
I feel the first line is perfect, but the second line seems a little forced. This is, just a suggestion, but maybe try
"Lost in thought, people may thing
all this is thoughts, moving faster than I can blink"
Basically, I reworded it so it flowed a little better.
Of course though, this is just a suggestion.
I like this poem overall, and with some work, it will be golden! Keep writing!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Thank you so much! I'm quite frankly really open to suggestions. I'm really glad you liked it!