Young Writers Society

Hi there BubblegumGoddess, I'm here to leave a review for you.

I like the theme that you've chosen to meditate on. Finding one's purpose is a common theme. I would venture a guess that everyone has wondered what they're supposed to be doing at one point or another.

The first thing I noticed in this piece was the rhyme scheme. You've made a bold choice to have such prominent end rhymes. I think that it needs some adjustment, though. I feel like this poem would do better with a little more attention to the meter in the lines, and the pattern of the rhyme you're using. It feels unbalanced when rhyming is all over the place, all crammed into one stanza. I feel like a more structured rhyme and meter scheme would give the ideas more structure as well. As it is, I feel like the ideas kind of jump from one to another.

Meter is at its basis, the rhythm of the poem. Sometimes this includes rhyme, and sometimes it does not. The meter of your piece relies heavily on rhyme, and when the rhyme isn't consistent, neither is the meter. Because the thought process in this piece is highly linear, it would make sense for your meter to follow the same pattern, driving downwards to a single point.

Your meter starts off really nice. The first four lines, while short, are punchy and feel good rolling off the tongue. "TWISted UP inSIDE the MIND" is actually a troche, which means that the first syllable is stressed, followed by an unstressed syllable, and then repeated several times. In fact, it's so good that the next line continues with the alternation: "there's NOTHing MORE to HIDE beHIND." It all goes very smoothly until we come to

Questioning the consistence of existence.

Hello, BubblegumGoddess! VegasLights here to give you a review!

Overall, I really do love this poem! Like all of your poems, it has a consistent theme and good details kept throughout the poem. My favorite line is "And is it all worth it" because it makes you question everything. I love the rhyming that I found in your poem, it really kept me concentrated (don't ask why). Everything had a good flow and I don't know, it all went really well. Here are a few things that I noticed.

Structure. Structure is really important in poems. Right now, your poem doesn't really need a structure because it all sort of fits together. But I feel like it would be nice to have a structure in your poem. Like every 5 lines could be split or every one that sort of goes off into another part of the poem. That is the only thing that I noticed.

I really loved your poem and I mean you don't really need to change anything, those were just my suggestions. Well, this is a wrap for this review. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

~Keep Writing~

VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)

This poem is something, I at least, can relate to. Its deep in meaning and tells a lot about you as a person. Thank you for sharing.
This being your first poem (right?), I have to applaud you on your effort and skill.
As your journey in writing begins, (maybe it has already begun and it continues here), but as it does either way, you'll see that there is more to writing than just words and their overall/explicit meaning. What's more important is what's not there but what the work still tries to convey.
Structure is important too. And it usually says something about the poem as well. Here you've used free verse with no definite rhyme scheme. Whether you intended it or not, I think this form is brilliant. The world is brought up in order, definite rules, but in the poem you are questioning them. Question the reason for life itself which is why free verse is used. You don't have a steady state of mind. Your mind is not at ease. As for the occasional rhyme I could interpret that as some kind of order that the world and it's people's influence has over you. You have been accustomed to it even though you do not realize that. To push this idea through, I would have used a standard line length, meaning each line have the same number of syllables.
If this sounds confusing, read more poetry, write more poetry, and most importantly, comprehend more poetry and then come back to my response. Maybe months later. You'lll understand it completely for sure then.

"Twisted up inside the mind
There’s nothing more to hide behind"
This seems to be done explicitly for the rhyme. I'd change it to this:
Mind twisted.
There's nothing more to hide.
See, how the period/full stop (wherever you're from), give a more decided feel and adds meaning to the poem?

"Taking time
And wasting breaths"
Absolutely loved these lines! Almost paradoxical and that's why its so beautiful!!!

"Wondering if there’s anyone else
Questioning the consistence of existence"
Great lines!

"We are all battling fear
Who knows why we are here
Justifying living
And fronting our battles"
id change it to fighting fear, for the alliteration. And use "By" instead of the "And" in the start of the last line. So it is as if you are saying I dont want my life to be defined by my battles.

"And fighting
For our rights to find
Reasons behind
Of lives and purpose"
Was the "of" in the last line supposed to be an "our"?
Here you seem to be restating what you said before. I'd tweak this a little.

"And is it all worth it"
I'd write a plain: "Is it all worth it?" It sound more intimate and real.

Overall, It is an excellent poem especially considering this is you first. Great job!!!

Keep writing and don't be afraid to share any of your work!

~ ILived